How to respond to a comment about parenting. How can parents respond appropriately to teachers' comments? Who is educating whom

Often a diary entry becomes a shock for parents. Basically, this happens in families where the right parents, grandparents motivate the child for excellent studies and a successful future. Or too busy parents take a position: do what you want, but so that there are no comments - I have no time to do this. Ambitious parents know that their child is the best and take his failure as a personal defeat.

In order not to react painfully and not to aggravate the trauma of the child, you need to understand that what happens within the walls of the school does not happen to you, but to your child. All that mom or dad can do is listen, teach them to negotiate, forgive, defend their opinion. A note in a diary is a teacher's wish or cry for help. For parents, two extremes are equally wrong: taking the side of the child and taking the side of the teacher.

Parents on the child's side

The student needs the support and interest of parents. It is best to show interest in a confidential conversation. It is not at all necessary to interfere in his relationship with the teacher at every opportunity and tell the teacher what kind of relationship your child deserves. There is no ideal school, there is always something - a lot of assignments, a strict teacher, heavy physical education, uncomfortable desks, stupid children.

Following the lead of an offended child, you can change the class, teachers, school, several schools. But it is much more important to teach your chick to overcome difficulties in communication, and here he may not cope on his own. It is at school that the child gets the first experience of conflict and avoidance of conflict. Try (if you are asked to do so) to analyze the situation. Think together about where you can act or speak differently. Do not criticize the child, speak softly and patiently, share your experience.

Please note: if you unconditionally take the side of the child, if you believe only him, he may not tell you the whole truth. Show that you respect the teacher, never speak badly about the teacher, do not discuss it in the presence of the student. If you think your child has been treated unfairly and you need to intervene, talk to the teacher in private. Clarify the essence of the problem, listen to complaints and state your opinion. The right approach is to support and protect the child, but do it alone with the teacher.

Parents on the teacher's side

In general, parents should support the school. Did you send your child to this school? It means that you have read and agree with the school rules. But if the child knows that you will support adults in any dispute, he will not be able to turn to you for help. Sometimes there are situations that require the intervention of parents. For example, bullying or bullying by other children. Slander on a child when he is in the minority and someone else's offense is blamed on him. Finally, an argument with the teacher, when there is a child's word against the word of an adult. He tells his story, and the teacher states that it was different. Do you know whose word will be more weighty?

The child should know: where he cannot solve the problem, you will take his side. Believe him and be happy that in difficult times the child has someone to turn to for help. In special cases, the child may refuse to talk about the nature of the conflict and simply ask to leave the school. Parents do not always have to act as a judge and make a decision, but they should always help a loved one who finds himself in an unsolvable situation for him.

How to reconcile two sides

This is a chance for parents to teach their child a life lesson. In the event that you yourself are able to negotiate, hear others, apologize and forgive. The teacher is humanly wrong. He can just make mistakes, like any person. Fatigue and mood “happen” with him. Finally, he just did his job. It's really difficult - thirty not always friendly teenagers, each behind a couple of adults who have read American psychologists. Believe me, no teacher is interested in continuing the conflict. We all get through life by making friends, not by making enemies. Show by your own example how you can find a common language, yielding in the small, win in the main.

Word to the teacher

“Almost 50 years of work - and not a single comment. I always thought: I don’t know my parents well, what if they punish the student. This will turn him against the teacher, he will try less, he can withdraw into himself. The teacher, like a doctor, should do no harm. Advice to all teachers: never miss an opportunity to praise and encourage a student - in personal conversation, in the classroom, and at the meeting, even for small successes. (Alla Alekseevna, 70 years old, French)

“Just today I wrote a couple of comments. “I didn’t listen to the teacher”, “Refused to write in class.” I hope the parents read the diary. It’s hard for all children after the summer holidays, but in the third grade you can’t be capricious, as in kindergarten. There are many children in the class, I see how difficult it is for them and how they try. I made a few verbal remarks. And if I don't write it down in my diary, then the violator will win. In addition, I spent time on one student that belongs to everyone: I interrupted the lesson, took a diary, made a note. Personally, I'm not very pleased, but this is how justice is manifested. After all, we teach children that good behavior should be encouraged, and bad behavior should be punished. (Valentina Aleksandrovna, 34 years old, primary school teacher)

“What parents? It was not enough for them to interfere in the educational process. We can do just fine on our own. We have one indicator - solid knowledge. Parents want their child to enter a university, which means - to study, work, just plow. There is a goal, and I help to achieve it. (Nina Anatolyevna, 60 years old, mathematics)

“Yes, noted. Recorded "Yawned in class" for a 7th grade student. Mathematics is a serious subject that requires attention and mental effort. Here you have to think. If a student struggles with sleep for half a lesson, he shows disrespect for me and disregard for the subject. Let his parents put him to bed on time. That's my right. The guy interfered with our work with the class, and I shamed him in front of classmates. (Alexey Vladimirovich, 38 years old, mathematics)

“Sometimes it's inevitable. Now the school does not have an assessment for behavior, the characteristic has been canceled. You can not put in a corner and drive out of the lesson. The diary is the teacher's last chance. Already in the middle grades, the child knows which subject he needs and which is not useful. With the consent of his parents, he misses "unnecessary" subjects, distracting other students. In such cases, the teacher needs the help of parents. And this is not a request, this is a demand: respect your classmates, do not interfere with their studies, do not violate discipline. Although, in my opinion, idleness in the classroom, when everyone is working, should be equated with absenteeism. (Svetlana Mikhailovna, 45 years old, Ukrainian)

Parents' stories

“We were horrified when Artem brought “I didn’t try.” Scolded, demanded to fulfill everything, in general they pressed. They really wanted to study well. And a month later it turned out that he couldn’t write beautifully curved sticks, as in the letter “m”. I would like the remark to be not just a remark, but a recommendation for parents - what to pay attention to and how to help the child. (Tanya, 32 years old, son Nikita, 7 years old)

“We learn everything from eyewitnesses when we take Sasha to school. She is an active and mobile girl. Once the children were jumping around the class, and the teacher punished everyone, put them at the blackboard. Sasha asked not to tell dad, but you can’t hide an awl in a bag. Dad had a conversation. He explained why it is necessary to behave decently at school and respect the work of the teacher, it seems that after that her attitude to learning changed. There were no more complaints." (Lydia, 35 years old, son Sasha, 8 years old)

“I'm tired of these remarks. I try to figure it out, but if the complaints are about behavior, then, according to Denis, it is always not his fault. Someone was the first to start, they threw a piece of paper at him, took away the notebook ... I read and sign, but what should I do? I think bad behavior is a form of protest or defense. Perhaps the teacher does not respect the students. There was a case when the teacher accused her son of changing his version of the control. The notebook was torn, she called me to school. When they figured it out, it turned out that on the day of the test he was sick, he wrote the work separately from the class, and the teacher put the notebook in a common pile. For three years now, she has not missed the opportunity to remember: "This mother always protects her son." And she forgets that she was wrong, and sometimes no one except the mother will protect the child. (Elena, 35 years old, son Denis, 15 years old)

“The small diary has not been showing for a year now. Thinks she's an adult. Mostly comments because of the clothes. If he wears a uniform, he tries to decorate himself - a belt with a flower, a tie, a bright hairpin. As a man, I think that this is normal - it is important for a girl to be aware of her individuality and attractiveness. As a dad, I’ll say that these are trifles against the background of the fact that children choose a specialization, like ours - the humanities, and get permission to give a damn about mathematics and physics ... ”(Andrey, 40 years old, Natasha, 14 years old)

“I react easily. I call the teacher, I say, thank you, we talked, shamed, but what to do? It's a boy, he's so frisky. Previously, he didn’t obey at all, and only now, thanks to your efforts, thank you very much, he is worried that he upset you ... And everyone is happy. The teacher knows that he was heard. And for me, the main thing is that the child develops freely” (Tatiana, 35 years old, Sasha, 11 years old)

As soon as a child appears in the family, parents are given to understand in no time: we live in a country of councils. Grandparents, friends and relatives, compassionate passers-by and active neighbors - everyone knows exactly how to help your baby fall asleep, at what temperature it is time to put a hat on him, how good boys and girls should behave so as not to get dirty in the mud and not deliver mom has trouble with laundry, and how a mother should behave so that her child does not annoy her neighbors in the aircraft row by playing peek-a-boo.

Admittedly, it's tiring. For the first time, you will nod indistinctly and smile politely at the friendly advice “give the baby a pacifier, he will fall asleep right away.” Another time, you will sigh heavily, trying to explain to your own mother that the child will not be blown out because of the window open in the room. In the third, you will break into a security guard in the clinic, who, for educational purposes, will threaten your son: “Our policeman will immediately take such a capricious boy!”

It seems that those around you are testing your strength. But in fact, they just get into a sensitive place - parenthood, which for most people is the most important thing in life. It’s not easy to put on armor every time and reflect third-party criticism when you yourself didn’t sleep at night due to cutting children’s teeth, or you don’t know how to persuade a child to take the medicine he needs, or you suffer from toxicosis, expecting another baby, so you allow the older child a little more freedom. And the society does not sleep, points a finger at the fact that “your child will now catch microbes in a puddle and get sick”, and every word resonates inside like you. Bad. Parent.

Painful comments become a problem, reduce self-esteem, assure that we are not up to our role. But still, you need to remember that not all comments deserve a reaction. In general, they can be divided into two categories: criticism that should not be taken seriously, and comments that should not be left unanswered.

We don't get into a confrontation

Let's not dissemble: we are all capable of condemning someone from time to time, at least mentally. For going to the sea with a three-month-old baby, for letting the child cry, teaching him to sleep on his own, for choosing home schooling, and not going to school like everyone else. This is how triggers work for us, which mean something to us, touch sensitive areas. Exactly the same triggers work for others. Unfortunately, few people tend to take into account the context in which parents make this or that decision while raising children. An outsider is guided by his own experience, it seems to him that he knows how best and will help with advice.

Often our own parents hit where it hurts. They give advice out of the best of intentions, but they are too persistent. No one wants to spoil relations with each other, but the fact remains: the experience of mothers is not identical to our experience, approaches to education change over time, and older generations find it difficult to accept changes and innovations. Therefore, controversial situations are better perceived as an opportunity to learn how to talk to each other and find a compromise.

Listen to the parents' point of view, but let's firmly understand that you make the main decisions about raising children. A possible response to criticism of your sleep method might be, "Thanks for the advice, I understand that some babies enjoy being rocked, and yet our baby sleeps better when breastfed."

For many people, it is important to hear another authoritative opinion. It is good if you show awareness of the controversial issue and back up your opinion with a professional one. If the grandmother assures that you need to swaddle a child with handles so that he sleeps soundly: “After all, I did this with you, and you slept all night!”, You don’t need to offend her with a sharp disagreement. Show, for example, a book by Dr. Komarovsky, whose advice you trust, or print out an article for your grandmother stating that modern pediatricians do not support tight swaddling. Perhaps, having learned about an authoritative source, the elders will not be so critical.

The first impulse when receiving criticism in your address is to prove to a person that he is wrong, but with loved ones the most important thing is to maintain good relations and not quarrel over dear grandchildren. According to the law of nature, the older generation considers it necessary to take care of the younger in words and deeds, if it sees that children need them. Increase your independence in parental eyes, let them understand that you are ready to make your own decisions and take responsibility for raising your children.

We don't stay away

Often criticism comes from strangers and causes negative emotions and rejection, goes against what you feel, becomes an invasion of privacy. This is what happens when outsiders label you and your children for no reason. In this case, we must stand up for protection.

“Bad girl,” a passer-by will say, as if in your support, if she witnesses not the most beautiful street scene, when a three-year-old daughter, tired from a long road, sits down on the asphalt and refuses to go further with tears. To remain silent or agree in such a situation with an outsider means to recognize the “badness” of your child. This is the case when it is necessary to answer a passer-by aloud that she is wrong, and daughters - that she is not at all what the woman called her.

Another way to respond to unwanted criticism is to turn the negative assessment of others into a positive one:

Your child is so noisy, how do you deal with him?
- Yes, he is very energetic and active, look, at the age of five he already knows how to climb a rope and pull himself up.

Have you decided not to breastfeed?
- There were reasons for this. But I am glad that my child is getting a good formula and is developing well.

One of the mistakes of parents is to share personal problems with a non-intimate circle. People around you are visibly encouraged if they find out that you are having difficulties with children, advice is instantly ready for them, because with your revelations you show openness to criticism. Don't give other people a reason to think that you are ashamed of your children's behavior. It is much better to show confidence, even if external, in your approach to parenting.

You are convinced that boys do not have to wear short bob haircuts if they have beautiful curls. You are sure that an hour of cartoons a day will not hurt your children. You do not think that it is useful for them to drink sparkling water and refuse the offered drink. Make it clear to the one who makes a remark in your direction that you have heard his point of view, but your approach works in your family and only you can decide everything that concerns your children.

When other people's words hurt, it can be useful to say to yourself: what is it in the life of a neighbor that makes her scream that you are not watching the child, and he will now hit the swing? Perhaps in her own experience there was an unpleasant incident, because of which she wants to warn other mothers to watch the children on the playground more carefully and not let them run around near the swings. Very politely thank the neighbor for the concern and tell her that you have everything under control.

Note bene:

people who give unsolicited advice don't necessarily think you're a bad parent. In many cases, they are just sharing their experiences and want someone to listen to them; most advisers are not experts in psychology and pedagogy. Most likely, they are parents themselves and, like everyone else, tend to make mistakes. Don't take all the words to heart; you don’t have to explain to everyone why you don’t take your child to McDonald’s, or you let him go without a jacket at plus 10, or you pierced your ears so early. Don't waste a lot of energy on this. if some people's remarks seem annoying and inappropriate to you, this may be a reason to politely distance yourself from communication with them, and spend more time with those with whom you have the same views on parenting.

We cannot influence the words and actions of other people, but we can think over our reaction to other people's comments. You don't have to be rude to let others know that you are raising your children the way that suits you. Although, to be honest, I want to believe that there will come a time when, much more often than unpleasant comments, we will hear the best compliment that can be given to a woman with children: that she is a good mother.

L. Charlin

, Cohabitation

Good afternoon! I have a difficult relationship with my mother. I really do not like that she often screams if I do not do what she wants. It also annoys me very much that she speaks badly of people, even those she knows little, does not trust anyone. He sees more bad in people than good, and tells me about it. It really spoils my mood. And even sometimes her opinion of someone affects mine, although at first I think positively about a person. Recently, I can’t stand it and break down, making remarks to my mother that it’s enough to see only the bad in people and let them not share it with me. Do I have such a right at all - to make comments to my parents, or should I just endure in silence? Thanks in advance. N.

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Answered by Tzipora Kharitan

Dear N.,

I can only speak from two positions: one is the position of Judaism, which offers clear criteria by which our behavior with parents can be judged. The second is the position of common sense and usefulness.

The Jewish Law says that children should not make any remarks to their parents, criticize their behavior aloud and teach them how to behave correctly. On the other hand, you are not obliged to accept the opinion of your mother and, figuratively speaking, let her words fall on deaf ears.

From the point of view of common sense: because. Your mother is already clearly over fifty, it is unlikely that you will be able to change her views on life, which, probably, have developed as a result of difficult life experience. In life we ​​come across a variety of people. The bad very often catches the eye, and it takes a lot of work on oneself to look at life optimistically. Not all of them can and do. If I were you, I would try to sympathize with my mother inwardly. How hard it must be for a man who looks at the world with such a gloomy look. From the fact that you will make comments to her and try to re-educate, she is unlikely to change. But your relationship with her is in danger of getting worse. If you say to yourself: “Well, I know that my mother is like that, therefore, she said and said. I shouldn’t pay attention to it,” then your suffering becomes less, especially if you promise yourself inwardly not to listen to this opinion. After all, we all hear what very different people say on different topics, and not every opinion is important for us. Therefore, if you say to yourself: “When mom talks about others, I know that this comes from her approach to life, and not necessarily from an objective analysis of a particular situation, so I don’t give weight to this opinion,” it will help you much more. than trying to silence your mom and arguing with her.

I wish you to gain strength and patience for your relationship with your mother. Let the thought support you that respect for parents is a very charitable behavior.

Classmates

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“Is it possible to talk to your mother like that, boy?”, “Who is it that screams like that here?” - favorite remarks of strangers in the direction of your child. Some passers-by are very fond of making remarks to other people's children. In this case, how should a parent behave?

First you need to prioritize

The easiest way is to shake your head reproachfully, agreeing with a stranger, or to scold your child for a misconduct, maybe even a minor one. Most of the time, this is what parents do. They will censure the baby and forget about this situation in a few minutes. And that's what kids remember. It seems to you that the child doesn’t care, but look at the situation from the outside - you, in fact, go over to the side of offenders, strangers and strangers, and scold your own child together with them! Isn't this a betrayal?

Imagine the situation: in a hurry, a young wife paints her eyes and as a result the arrows turned out to be crooked. She and her husband enter the elevator and the neighbor begins to comment: “Did you see how your wife let down the arrows? Does she look in the mirror or what? And the husband, instead of taking the side of his half, will answer: “Yes, she is clumsy with us, she constantly brings her eyes up like that!”

Is it really a ridiculous and funny situation? And with a child, adults do just that. Before reacting immediately to the provocation of a passerby about your baby, think about who is dearer to you - some kind of aunt or your child?

Guilty or not guilty?

If strangers give you advice or make comments on a case, you should understand when to listen to their comments, and when to ignore them. After all, people are sometimes indignant for a very significant reason and sometimes for a reason. The most typical reasons are “Your child is throwing sand”, “He is throwing stones at my child”, or something else that you yourself did not notice and that:

Moms take note!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me, but I’ll write about it))) But I have nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too ...

• poses a threat to the health of your child;
• endangers the health of others.

Assess the situation soberly and understand who is to blame. Maybe it's a child, maybe it's your fault that you overlooked it, or maybe a ridiculous misunderstanding. Be that as it may, even if your child is naughty, you do not need to immediately scold him in front of strangers. Do not humiliate your own child! Say thanks to the "adviser", step aside with the child and talk alone without threats, slaps and screams. After all, your cries will not change anything, you will only be ashamed in front of people, for the staged performance.

If you are very angry, it is best to take your child away from the playground and talk to him at home. On the way home, you will surely cool down and take things more seriously.

not to blame

And if the child is not in business at all? Maybe for you and your child, some behaviors are absolutely normal - so what? Swear? Make a scandal in public ()? This is highly discouraged, because the child is looking at you. You are an authority for him, and he learns from you, absorbs everything that you do and will repeat your behavior throughout life. Teach your child to be polite, but to have a point of view and defend it. You can thank a passerby for advice and add your “but”. “Thanks for the advice, but I will deal with my child myself”, “Thank you, but you don’t need to worry about us, we will work it out.”

Even if such answers do not satisfy the same neighbor or passerby, it does not matter. It is important for you not to destroy the trust and that bond between you and your children. Since for all children - you, as a parent, are a support, protection, authority and best friend - who will understand everything, protect and not give offense.

Sometimes a fleeting remark issued by a child unsettles parents. Because it happens so unexpectedly that adults do not even have time to figure out how to answer the child correctly in this case. Of course, children grow up and have the right to their own opinion. And due to the fact that they still quite honestly and frankly speak about what they think and see around, their phrases are sometimes literally knocked down.

The remarks are both funny and offensive. They may be said without a reason, but in any case they make an adult think about his behavior or his appearance.

Who is educating whom

As parents, we have the right to raise our children the way we want. But do they have the right to comment on us and educate us? Certainly yes. Because they are individuals just like us. They have every right to express their opinion. Moreover, there are times when comments from children come from dissatisfaction with the behavior of their parents and are far from in vain. For example, in the family alcohol is excessively abused or one of the parents is very overweight. Of course, not all mothers and fathers are serious about children's comments and requests. But still, somewhere on a subconscious level, they make you look at the situation from a different angle. And parents begin to wonder: “What if it’s true, I’m doing the wrong thing, even if the child points out my shortcomings?”

Sometimes children's comments are even helpful. After all, if they hadn’t told us about them, we would have been sitting at computers for hours on end, wearing ugly clothes, and so on.

Children are much thinner and better than adults feel the attitude towards themselves and others. They have much more developed intuition. That is why it is worth really listening to the children's opinion and trying to take it into account.

But there are parents who do not allow their children to teach adults anything and speak out against them is not flattering. Especially the upbringing of our grandparents, as well as dads and moms, did not allow such liberties as “remarks to parents”. This was considered impolite towards them and therefore not allowed, so as not to "undermine parental authority."

Now times have changed a bit and many mothers and fathers raise their children in equal rights and give them freedom of speech. They are free to express their opinion, even if it does not quite coincide with the opinion of others.

The thin line between criticism and criticism

When a child makes a remark to a parent about it, this is quite acceptable. But when, for example, a kid starts to loudly sneeze at his grandmother for accidentally breaking a jar or incorrectly tied laces on children's shoes, this is already overkill.

Reprimanding parents and arguing are completely different things. Therefore, if you do not want to spoil your child to such an extent that he controls all your actions, set clear boundaries. Regardless of who and to whom makes a remark, it is worth observing the important rules known to us from business etiquette.

1. All comments are made in private. If, for example, you want to reprimand your child for misbehavior, do it at home. Thus, you will cause respect from your child, he will remember this rule. And the next time he is outraged by your behavior, he will not comment on you in front of everyone.
2. Comments should be made only about and for a good reason. Otherwise, it's boring. Constant children's reminders to the parent that he is doing everything wrong is very annoying. In the same way, frequent remarks from mom and dad to a child do not have a very positive effect on his psyche. Therefore, think carefully before scolding a child for something, whether he really did so much wrong.
3. Before pointing out a person's mistake or scolding, praise him. Find positive aspects or point to his actions that are worthy of respect. For example, your son or daughter received a deuce at school. Before scolding your child, start with the phrase: “I know that you have a very heavy workload at school and you have a very hard time. And you, of course, well done for doing everything, even I could not do it, but today in the lesson you got a bad grade, why did this happen? Perhaps the child will tell you that he was worried or that he had other reasons for failing in school.
4. The conversation should be carried out in a friendly and calm tone. You should not raise your voice and take it out on the child, even if he greatly upset you and did not do the right thing. Thus, trust and respect are increased. In any situation, when the child wants to scold you too and make a remark, he will do it just as calmly and without screaming.
5. Formulate your phrase so that it is without a part of "not". For example, if you want to say "don't make a noise", it would be better to say "speak quietly".

Children are our reflection. And what we put into them now is what we will get in the future. How we educate them depends on their attitude towards us and others. If they are instilled with a sense of trust, respect and love from childhood, they will never argue with their parents. And relevant comments from children that help to become better are very important for parents. After all, strangers do not always dare to voice them to us.