How to properly ask a person for a request. How to properly ask colleagues for help. Test whether your union is durable
For many people, it seems incredibly difficult and scary to simply ask another person for a favor. Fears of being rejected or reacting in the wrong way make this task unreasonably difficult. How to ask for a favor correctly and not receive a refusal in response? With a little confidence and remembering these few simple rules, you can ask for a favor so that you are heard:
1. You need to ask correctly, not to mention refusal.
Many people, due to their insecurity, immediately mention refusal when making a request and talk about it as if the person had already made the decision to refuse. This will not only show your insecurity, but will also offend the person with your attitude towards him. If you don't want to get rejected, don't talk about it.
2. Ask without blaming
Often people, when communicating with their relatives, begin their request with complaints. “Buy me something, because you never buy me anything,” “help me rearrange things, because you never do anything around the house,” this is all more likely a showdown and a desire to get into a quarrel, rather than action. A person will not want to do anything if you insist that he owes you something.
Photo: pixabay.com (CC0 Creative Commons)
3. Express gratitude
If you express gratitude in advance for specifying a service, it will be more difficult for a person to refuse you.
4. Express your request clearly and do not use hints
Another problem for insecure people is to complain that no one is helping, hint that they need a service and wait for the other person to talk about help. If you really need something, ask for it clearly, directly explaining how exactly the person can help. Such honesty will definitely yield results.
5. Get interested
If you ask a person to help, focus on what he himself would be interested in helping you with. Perhaps, if the situation requires it, tell them how you will thank the person in return or that you will also return the favor at the right time.
6. Don't demand
This mistake is mainly made by relatives: spouses or parents to children. But a person is designed in such a way that when something is demanded of him, and not politely asked, then the desire to perform this action disappears instantly. Do not underestimate the importance of a person’s help, otherwise he simply will not waste time on it.
Photo: pixabay.com (CC0 Creative Commons)
7. Explain the reason for the request
Why is this help needed and why is it so important to you.
Fear of rejection is the main reason why a request is doomed and may not even be uttered. This fear needs to be eradicated in yourself. Here are a few simple steps to stop being afraid of rejection and being afraid to ask for favors:
1. If you ask someone for something, do it in private.
It's much easier to do this when there are strangers nearby. Even if the request is directed, for example, to a company, communicate with one of the employees.
2. Don’t hesitate to ask for a reason if you were rejected.
Perhaps she is strong enough to survive this refusal calmly and with understanding.
Photo: pixabay.com (CC0 Creative Commons)
3. Getting rejected is not always the end of the conversation.
You can offer a compromise and receive partial service.
4. Sometimes refusal depends not on what you ask, but on who you ask it from.
If you are refused, you can simply ask another person. And remember - only those who speak will be heard.
Victoria Demidyuk
The words of the well-known character in the novel by Mikhail Bulgakov read: “Never ask for anything!” But, in fact, sometimes we are faced with a situation where if we don’t ask, then no one will give us anything. Therefore, many people ask themselves the question - how to ask without getting it? In fact, there are some techniques that will allow you to achieve the desired result, they are quite applicable, logical and effective.
If you simply ask a person for what you need, especially if it requires some effort, his resistance mechanism will probably kick in and he will refuse you. Therefore, it is necessary to bring the person to the conclusion that fulfilling this request is very important for you, and even better, for him. Let's look at two examples:
You turn to a colleague with a request: “Please replace me tomorrow, I need to go to the hospital.” It is likely that the answer will be negative, and there will be many good reasons not to do this, or your colleague will agree, but with great reluctance - it still depends on the person.
Four stage system
Therefore, you should not start your conversation with the very essence of the matter. American psychologists have developed a system that consists of 4 steps:
- I see
- I feel
- I need
- I would like to
That is, before asking a person for something, you need to express your vision of the situation, your impression of it, the need to fulfill your request and, then, your desire. That is, schematically it will look like this: “I see... I feel... I need... And therefore could you...”. In this case, the steps can be swapped, but it is advisable to go through at least two.
On my own behalf, I can add that offering some kind of bonus for fulfilling a request will also not be superfluous.
Now our proposal looks like this: “I see that you have a lot of work, but I feel very bad and I need to go to the hospital tomorrow, and therefore could you replace me tomorrow. Let me also replace you the next day.” - this request sounds much nicer, more polite and will win you over. This system is universal, try to formulate any request and you will succeed.
√ Initially, try to ask for more than you need. And then, during the discussion, make a concession, and then your next proposal will not seem so significant. There will also be a “concession for concession” mechanism at work here, when a person will consider himself quite comfortable agreeing with you if you make a slight concession. Plus, perhaps the person will not feel comfortable refusing you twice in a row, and will prefer to agree to your second request.
Incentive for favor
- Ask the person when they are tired. But this technique will work better if you want to get some kind of relief on yourself than if you want to ask the person to do something for you (for obvious reasons). For example, if you want to take time off from work, it is better to ask your boss about it at the end of the working day.
- You can also try a technique based on the person's desire to be consistent. If your request somehow relates to a person’s life position or words previously spoken by him, feel free to appeal to this fact. For example, you need help with a project and you want to ask your colleague for help. And instead of the usual “help,” you can offer him: “As I know, you wanted to lead a group on a new project, I have a great idea, let’s go with you...” That is, literally, your request is transformed into a mutually beneficial proposal!
- Be grateful for the help given to you. After all, you and I often hear from different people: “but he/she didn’t even thank you”! And indeed, even if we cannot this moment repay a person in the same coin and do something important for him, then a simple “thank you” spoken from the heart will be enough. Moreover, helping another person and the gratitude received will be pleasant for the helper himself.
I hope my tips will help you make your communication more effective! If you disagree with anything or have questions, I will be glad to hear your comments!
PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTS
TEST for choosing a method of psychological consultation
We offer you to take a test that will help determine the psychologist’s working method, taking into account personal characteristics. Knowing your method will allow you to choose a psychologist who specializes in this area and will allow you to get maximum results and satisfaction from the consultation. You can take the test online absolutely free of charge, without registration, using this link:
- French psychologist Anne Schwartzweber contains 10 questions, for each of which you need to choose one of three proposed answer options. The result is immediately after pressing the “send” button
TEST to determine the need for psychological help
Need test psychological assistance will easily help you determine whether you need a consultation with a psychologist. We all have difficult moments in life, and we all deal with them differently. Some do it on their own, some just need a conversation with their best friend or girlfriend, and sometimes you just can’t do without the help of a specialist. To determine this point, a questionnaire on the need for psychological help was developed.
- contains 18 questions, for each of which you need to choose one answer: “Yes, I agree (Sen)” or “No, I disagree (Sen)”. The result is immediately after pressing the “send” button
TEST Is your union durable?
Most of us dream of love that will always be with us - of an eternal union. How are things going in your couple? Is it strong and reliable? Or maybe fragile, not very stable? In any case, the question of how long the union will last forms the core of the relationship in any couple, no matter what moment in its development it experiences. This test will help you understand what stage of the relationship your duo is at and assess your ability to make the relationship sustainable, no matter how it works.
- French psychoanalyst Alain Heril contains 15 questions, for each of which you need to choose one of four proposed answer options. The result is immediately after pressing the “send” button
Sometimes we ask so much that we ourselves are asking for refusal, says famous psychotherapist and relationship specialist Esther Perel. Because we are sure in advance that we will be refused. Sometimes we voice our request in such a tone as if we already know what we will hear in response. Sometimes we construct a question incorrectly, including criticism of our partner’s actions. (“Vasya, vacuum up, otherwise the whole carpet is covered in your crackers again”). We ask as if there is something more behind this request. As if we mean something else besides a simple request to do this and that.
Let's do without subtext
What makes us do this? The supplicant is a rather vulnerable character, so telling your partner that you need something from him is scary. But part of what relationships are about is meeting each other's needs. The request is really tangled up in a whole tangle of other things. How confident are we in our own worth? What is the history of our relationship? Is there trust in our couple?
If as a child you always heard: “No, you won't get that! Why do you need it?",- then now you find it difficult to ask and even understand what you need from a relationship, and this is worth working on.
Esther says she gives her patients this exercise. They must voice their request over and over again, but with different intonations, emphasizing one word or another. For example, the phrase “Aren’t you going to the cinema with me tomorrow?” can mean: “Could you come with me, I’ll be glad?” - if pronounced as: “You won’t go with me tomorrow to the cinema ? Or “Well, of course, you won’t go, why am I even asking,” if you say: “You don't go to the cinema with me tomorrow? In the second case, you seem to tell the man: “I already know that you will refuse.”
Popular
If you want your partner to meet you halfway, do not put any subtext into the request. Be direct about what you are asking for.
A request is not an accusation
Ask yourself: why are you asking? To get what you want, or to have a row from the heart? If you say: “We never go anywhere! I haven’t been to the cinema in a hundred years!”, - then what is your true goal: to persuade your partner to have a fun weekend or to accuse him of being a worthless husband or boyfriend? If you really want to watch the film, then it’s better to say: “Let’s see which cinemas it’s showing in and what time – maybe we’ll find a convenient showing?”
The request may sound like a statement: “It will be much easier for me if you warn me when you are late so that I don’t worry.” “I will be so glad if you come with me to my parents’ anniversary.” This will let him know how important he is to you and that he can make you happy. People love such requests: it makes them feel needed and loved.
Often men react poorly to women’s requests precisely because they contain a reproach: he is doing everything wrong, not doing what he should, etc. And they refuse simply because they begin to defend themselves. Often, a guy who says, “I want to find another woman, no questions asked,” actually means that he wants to find a woman who doesn’t try to make him “feel like an incompetent jerk all the time.” Nobody wants to feel guilty all the time.
Show him you appreciate him
An important part of asking is the ability to show your partner that you are truly grateful for what he does for you, that you do not take it for granted. “Oh, how great you fixed the zipper on my bag! Thank you so much! Can you fix the boot?”- this is not at all the same as “Your favorite boots have been lying around for six months, you can’t fix them, but the workshop wants more money than they cost. Why should I wear sandals in winter?”
Learn to ask easily and naturally
Yes, asking is an art that needs to be learned. When you learn to freely formulate what you need, the request will no longer sound as if your whole life depends on it.
Of course, we must be prepared for the fact that not all our requests will be fulfilled. You asked, he refused, you were a little upset - well, forget it, let's move on. This is normal in a healthy relationship: when everyone can calmly ask for something, the other can agree or refuse, and the next time you calmly ask for something again. “Let's go to the Petrovs? - No, sorry, I’m tired during the week, I want to rest on Saturday. - Oh, okay, I’ll go. I'll bring you a piece of their signature pie. - Fine. Say hello to them!”
Often it is very difficult for us to ask someone for something because we are afraid of refusal. On the other hand, it can be difficult for us to refuse, because it seems to us that we will offend the person. Thus, request and refusal become not just a tool for achieving a goal, but also a source of complexes and psychological problems.
UNIVERSAL FORMULAS OF REQUEST AND REFUSAL
But all this happens only in our heads: we put more into a request than just a request, and when we hear a refusal, we hear more than just a refusal. All this is projected onto our attitude towards a person, his towards us, and is perceived precisely in this context. And therefore, agreeing to an uncomfortable request just “not to offend the person”, that is, to maintain a relationship with him, we suffer both because we endure inconvenience, and because an unpleasant feeling is brewing inside us towards the person causing us these inconveniences. That is, we have achieved the opposite result: not wanting to offend him, we are offended ourselves. And the relationships that we tried to preserve in this way are showing an invisible crack. Who is a trouble-free person? Someone who likes to provide services to other people, who has a lot of extra money and nowhere to spend time? But no! This is a person who does not want to not only quarrel with anyone, but at least to allow the slightest discomfort in the relationship. And often this happens due to lack of self-confidence. Somewhere in the depths of his soul sits this thought: because if I refuse... they will stop being friends with me!
And the other person will sit and suffer from his helplessness (he got sick, got into a difficult situation), and there will be many people nearby who would be happy to help him. But how is it possible to ask just like that? Do they need it? And I will strain them, and they will refuse me, I will be upset. And again, a whisper from childhood: if I do this, they will stop being friends with me!
But if we make the procedure itself technological, that is, we deprive both the request and the refusal of an unnecessary psychological background, we remove this tension from the situation, perhaps it will become easier for us. After all, if a person is not afraid of being rejected, he has exactly 50% more opportunities.
According to probability theory, the prospect of a positive response to your request is 50%. If we don’t ask, then we deprive ourselves of these 50% of situations that are favorable for ourselves.
HELP ME OR YOU WILL BE REGRET!
Of course, our culture is such that we are taught from childhood that we need to be strong and rely only on ourselves. What am I going to ask someone for? Otherwise they will think that I am helpless! Remember the textbook: “Never ask for anything - they themselves will offer and give!”? On the one hand, in that particular case of Margarita and the person with whom she communicated, this strategy was probably correct. But from the point of view of everyday life, even in relationships between a man and a woman, it often does not work. Firstly, men often don’t even realize that they need to offer you their help, although they are happy when they can show their strength! But in order to give them the opportunity to help, you need to ask them about it. Women go to all sorts of tricks and manipulations to make them figure it out themselves, without any requests. And it turns out something like this parable. An elderly couple celebrates their golden wedding. In the morning they sit down to have breakfast, the wife takes fresh bread out of the oven... And then the husband says: “Darling, we have such a holiday... Can I ask you for one favor... I haven’t dared to ask you all my life, maybe even today in honor of the holiday... In In general, you bake amazingly delicious bread! And most of all I like the pink one! But I know that you like it, because you always take it... But today... can I eat it? The amazed wife replied: “Darling! To be honest, I don't really like the top! And the teeth are no longer the same. But you always took the middle, and I didn’t dare contradict you! I'd be happy to trade with you! It’s great that we finally confessed to each other!”
It's the same in the professional field. There are people who need approval, admiration, and demonstration of their professionalism. They will be happy to help, support, and share. But you have to ask them about it! And yes, to do this you will have to admit to yourself that you are not omnipotent.
It's the same in friendships. One friend says to another: “I have no one to leave my dog with, oh, I’m poor and unhappy, now I won’t be able to go on vacation!” The other, as an honest person, should say in this situation: “Leave her with me!” Very often we choose the path of manipulation because we do not want to take responsibility., so we’d rather complain and pry: “What if he doesn’t offer help? What a bastard!” Instead of just getting down to business: “You stay with my dog, and I’ll meet you at the airport next time.”
Elena Lopukhina, a classic of Russian psychodrama, a psychologist, at one time taught me a lot from the point of view of the role relationships “Adult - Parent - Child”. This is all reflected in how we ask or respond to requests.
If we ask from the point of view of the Parent, it will be more like a kind of order. Help me! Immediately! And this will most often cause a negative reaction, because it puts a person in the position of a Child. And the Child automatically reacts in two ways: either he will pull his head into his shoulders and act out from under the stick, “before it starts,” or he will begin to kick out, demonstrating his power: “Why am I going to do this. Here's another! Do it yourself!” Although if you then ask the person, it turns out that he might not mind helping and doing.
Like in the joke where one person complains to a friend: “Imagine, I sent my son to study in the city, and he sends a telegram,” and reads it with an indignant intonation: “Dad, the money has come out!” No, I would kindly ask: “Dad, send me some money!” The first time Dad read this with the intonation of a Parent, and the second time - from the position of a Child: “Please, come out!” This is already the second extreme: well, buy ice cream, well, make it!
One day there was a girl with us on vacation who was twisting ropes out of her dad. She couldn’t ask directly: “Dad, buy me ice cream!” She always walked along mysterious paths. For example, we are walking in a group of ten people, dad is such a handsome officer, brave and courageous. And suddenly she says mournfully out loud: “It’s such a pity that my dad doesn’t have 20 rubles!” Moreover, she declares this to everyone around her, not to dad. “How is it not?” - Dad yells. “What, is there? Then buy me some ice cream!” - the girl immediately answers.
There are also adults who feel like they want to do something for them themselves, so as not to watch this creature suffer. Without money. Out of employment. No vacation. No joy.
But this is a long way that may not cause the reaction we want. And the Child’s position is precisely the most vulnerable, because it’s the most offensive if they didn’t help. “I asked and asked, but no one heard me!” “I was starving here (I didn’t sleep at night, I suffered, I suffered), and you didn’t even notice!” As the little boy said in the old movie: “I sleep and sleep here, but no one hears!”
"NO" IN THE LITERAL SENSE
The only constructive way is to ask from the position of an Adult, which is what Elena Lopukhina wrote about. The essence of the method is that we appeal to both the left and right hemispheres.
UNIVERSAL REQUEST FORMULA:
1. contact;
2. formulating a request;
3. rational justification (arguments);
4. justification of emotional significance;
5. indulgence (if you refuse, the relationship will remain the same).
Firstly, the main condition: we both are fine. Secondly, I clearly say what I need. Like Boris Grebenshchikov in one song: “If you want to say a word to me, try to use your mouth!” So: “I ask you to sit with my dog!” If I just end here, it will look like “Dad, give me money!”, that is, like a Parent. Therefore, I make sure to add arguments for the left hemisphere: for me this is very important for this and that reason. I need to find someone to look after my dog while I'm away. Then I explain why this is important to me. Because I really want to leave, but I have nowhere to take my dog, I’m so looking forward to this vacation, but I’m worried about my dog, what will happen to her while I’m away. All these are emotions, that is, arguments for the right hemisphere. And finally, a very important phrase: “If you refuse, I will understand!”
With this formulation, a person has no reason to refuse if he really does not have good reasons for this. I will refuse if I really cannot: I will not be there, or I will have guests myself.
Refusal from the position of the Parent: “No, that’s all! Who's in charge here? This position causes resentment and protest. "Why?" - “Yes, because! I said!" Refusal from the Child’s perspective: “Here, sitting with the dog, don’t I have anything else to do? Come on!” The child begins to take offense and sort things out.
“ADULT” REFUSAL FORMULA:
1. contact;
2. request;
3. clear refusal;
4. rational justification;
5. support: sympathy (I understand how you feel now) or regret (nothing personal, this is business).
Just like in the request, everything is fine with us, we have equal rights and respect each other. Second: the refusal must also be clear and unambiguous. The “no means no” attitude eliminates the need to think things through. Because we sometimes say: “I would love to, but I don’t have time right now!” What does a person hear? “Oh, that is, we can try tomorrow!” Or the person explains: “I’m not ready now!” - “When will you be ready?” Or: “I’ll think about it!” - “Okay, every day I’ll ask what you’re up to.” "I will write to you!" - “And so that you don’t forget about me, I will remind you every day. When will you write to me?” If we haven't said a clear no, it leaves the person with hope. We seem to have closed the door, but not all the way: sounds, smells come from our room, they tease us and force us to poke our heads into the door again and stomp on the threshold, instead of moving on. This position is unconstructive for both. Only capricious beauties who surround themselves with a crowd of admirers act this way. But it's a bit like playing Dynamo, isn't it?
Playing around with a refusal can actually cause much more harm, including emotional harm, than if you explain your “no”. But this is too harsh, you will object - and you will be right.
After refusal, you must present your arguments: allergy to dog hair, Small child, yes, in the end, say directly if you do not like animals or are not ready to take on such responsibility! At the same time, be sure to add that you sympathize with him, but you have your own circumstances.
I assure you, your relationship will only benefit from this, by the way, as will your dog. Why would you give her to a friend who reluctantly agreed to look after her?
Psychology for Every Day, No. 12 (46) December 2010
Say “yes” and “no”!
http://psyh.ru/rubric/2/articles/659/