Psychology of the victim in a relationship with a man. Psychology of the victim: how to get rid of victimization? How not to be a victim in a relationship

Hello, dear readers! I recently came across a person who just couldn’t achieve success in any area. There are constant problems at work, relationships with girls do not work out, his family considers him a pathological loser. But happiness is very close to him, you just have to take a couple of steps towards him. Today I want to talk to you about how to stop being a victim.

Victim Syndrome

It happens that absolutely nothing happens in life. No matter what, everything fails and goes to hell. I’ll tell you honestly, I also had periods when it seemed difficult to find a greater loser. But sitting and just suffering was not for me. Therefore, I pulled myself together and, with effort, coped with this status.

The only problem with the victim is that they like the feeling of pity that others feel for them. They are constantly pitied and tried to help. But the trouble is that such an attitude makes a person become a victim even more. Self-pity appears and it becomes a chain reaction.

You need to understand that you are not a victim of circumstances, that the universe is not planning anything bad against you. Each person is given enormous forces and the endless potential it unlocks throughout life. We ourselves make this or that choice. Therefore, the first step is to start loving yourself and believing in your own strength.

Nothing comes of it only when you don’t try to do anything. I'm sure you've heard the phrase about experience a million times already. If something doesn’t work out, draw conclusions and move on. Experience is the son of difficult mistakes. And it is true.

One of my friends constantly faced problems at work. She changed her place of work, changed her type of activity, but nothing worked out. She began to consider herself a real loser. The girl gave up and simply accepted the state of things. For a year and a half she simply went with the flow and suffered more and more failures. One day we met and had a serious conversation. Today this girl is a successful financial director, for whom many large companies are fighting.

Remember that failures are in your head. You call some incidents failures. Look at yourself differently. Be aware of all mistakes and accept them as a gift for your experience. Something didn't work out - no problem.

Scapegoat

It often happens that there is an unhappy person in the office to whom everyone blames everything. He stays at work the longest, does the most, and gets paid the least. This “Vanka” is for whipping. He gets all the big shots. But he just can’t achieve success.

It is very important in such a situation to be able to defend your interests. Remember that you are not a silent slave. It’s not for nothing that labor laws exist. In addition to obligations, you also have rights that you have every right to defend. If your boss is a completely intractable type, then maybe you should think about changing jobs?

The problem may be that you are not working in the right field for you. You graduated from a university with a degree in economics, for example. And they did it because my mother said so or my father insisted. But this type of activity is not suitable for you or is not at all interesting. Think about what you really want to do. What do you get sincere and real pleasure from? After all, it will be much easier to succeed in such a business.

Also, don't forget that success doesn't just happen. If you want to achieve real heights in your business, then do not forget about hard work. It is no coincidence that the proverb talks about patience and work, which will grind everything down. Have a lot of patience. It will help not only in work, but also in communicating with people, in relationships with a loved one, in raising children and much more.

Matters of the heart

Another area in which people willingly try on the victim costume is relationships. One of my clients is very successful at work, but the problem is that his relationship is not working out. All his young ladies use him solely as a money bag. They cheat on him, deceive him, betray him. Each time he and I tried to figure out why he allowed this to happen. And I saw how much he reveled in his victim status. It gave him sincere pleasure to complain and complain about fate. At one session, I told him that it is not fate that sends him such girls, but that he chooses them himself. The man thought about it. He was silent for a long time, and then simply left. I haven't seen him for about a year. One day he came to me without an appointment. On ring finger the wedding ring was shining. He showed me photographs of his wife and told me how wonderful and beautiful she was. He met his true happiness.

There should be no victim in the family. The spouses protect each other and help in everything. Family is your fortress, in which you can not be afraid, not tense and not experience discomfort. If it happens that your partner is constantly putting pressure on you, then it is time to talk. Honestly, frankly, without shouting or quarreling. Relationships are the work of both partners. Everything depends equally on you and your loved one.

If you are unable to build a harmonious and healthy relationship, then the article “” will be very useful to you. Remember that the universe loves you and is not trying to make you as bad as possible. It gives you options, shows you different options, asks you to make a choice. Let me remind you again, your potential is enormous. Every person on Earth deserves happiness and love.

Start with yourself

So, start loving yourself. And trust yourself. If you are doing something and you like it, then don’t listen to anyone and continue, even if at first it doesn’t work out the way you planned. The eternal loser is just our own idea. Throw it away.

Learn to fight back. Stand up for what is dear and close to you. Don’t be afraid that someone will look at you askance; you won’t be able to please everyone anyway. And remember that your happiness does not depend on others. It's inside you. You control your own life. Develop your thoughts with the help of a book by a famous psychotherapist " How to get rid of the victim complex».

Don't be afraid to take responsibility for your actions and words. If something doesn't work out, don't blame others for it. Don't blame fate. You and only you are able to change your life. You have everything you need for this. When you realize that you are not dependent on others in any way, then you can be happy and content. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You live for yourself.

Take failure as a signal or sign. Thus, fate tells you what needs to be changed, where to turn. Learn to see such clues. Develop your intuition. She is always on your side.

I'm sure you will succeed. You will be able to fight back, learn to defend yourself, see clues in mistakes, find your calling, meet true love. All this is near you, you just have to learn to see it.

Best wishes to you!

We looked at it in the previous article. Today I want to tell you why you shouldn’t be a rescuer and how to stop being a victim.

To explain why “rescuers” do not save anyone, but on the contrary, they harm, Let us turn to the well-known model of behavior of the victim, the pursuer and the rescuer. This is a model described by therapist Stephen Karpman back in 1968 called the Karpman Drama Triangle.

In healthy families, such triangles occur in a very mild form, not fixed as a permanent type of behavior. This often happens when faced with a new situation or when there are not enough resources to solve it.

Healthy families have many resources that they use to solve problem situations: they discuss, talk to each other, there is intimacy, trust and warmth in the relationship.

Therefore, having found themselves in such a triangle in some situation, they understand the “immaturity” of such a solution to the problem and look for the most comfortable and effective way out.

If you are still a victim, it means it benefits you

In codependent families, everything is a little different; their relationship is this triangle. Karpman believed that: “If there is a certain game going on, if there are certain relationships, they are beneficial to all participants in the system. Otherwise everything would simply fall apart. If you participate in something, you need it for some reason.

Communication within this triangle is very effective method not to take responsibility for one’s actions and decisions, and also as a reward for this to receive strong emotions and the right not to solve one’s problems (since others are to blame for “all this”).”

What is special about a triangle? The transition from one role to another - the victim often becomes the persecutor and vice versa.

If you want to help, help me grow up!

Role reversals within the triangle can often be seen in situations of violence: the husband (aggressor/persecutor) beats his wife (victim), the wife calls (the police) in search of a rescuer, becoming at that very second an aggressor towards her husband-victim, and while this same police (rescuer) gets to the victim (wife), she still on the way, he becomes an aggressor towards the victim husband, and the savior wife “recaptures” her husband from the police.

Therefore, if you really want to help your sister/friend/acquaintance cope with this situation, do not support her sacrificial position by becoming a savior!

Your help may be useful if you return her to an adult position:

• Public protest:

Suitable in relationships with those who are not particularly close, or the relationship is reduced to business: “I’m sorry that you have to go through this, but this is your relationship and only you can figure it out!

• "Wake the Beast"

Suitable in situations where the victim is in a state of complete helplessness and weakness and it is necessary to revive energy: “You're right, it's a terrible thing to do, he's a bastard! But you are a real rag, unable to even stand up for yourself.”

You should be careful with this method, since due to low energy levels and low self-esteem, such speeches can drive the victim into an even greater dead end. But for some it invigorates and brings them to their senses.

• Reduction to the Absurd

Another effective technique. One of the goals of the victim involving you 105 times in discussing his situation is to avoid responsibility for analyzing the situation, placing it on you. Therefore, it is important that the responsibility remains with the owner:

- Masha, he’s such a scoundrel, can you imagine what he did yesterday...

- You're right, you can't live like that! Get a divorce!

- Yes, he ruined my whole life!

- Get a divorce tomorrow!

- Where should I go? And what to live on?

- Well then, don’t get a divorce.

• Back to real business

This method works well to return a person from the world of dreams to real life:

- He is such a scoundrel (wave of indignation)!

-You are my friend and you should respect yourself! I don't want to listen to your suffering - pull yourself together. If you don't want to be a wuss, take care of yourself! Here's the number for your hairdresser/makeup artist/psychologist/fitness club/English course.

• Query clarification

Many will try to object, saying that the request is already clear: “Hear/support,” but in reality this is not the case. Often the victim turns in search of salvation, although she herself has no idea what exactly she needs from you.

She unconsciously draws you in as a rescuer, and as you get drawn in, you feel not satisfaction from having helped, but an additional burden, irritation and guilt. So, to your friend’s next call you answer:

- I hear that you feel bad now, but try to formulate what kind of help you would like from me now? What exactly can I do for you?

If the conversation goes in a constructive direction, great. If you feel that she is not able to explain anything and is gurgling, tell her that you can continue only if she gives free rein to her tears and cries everything first. And then try again.

The good thing about this method is that it allows you to avoid all sorts of manipulations.- You are ready to be there and help, but it is important for you to understand what exactly this help should consist of.

What to do if you want to stop being a victim?

• Realize that what is happening in your family is not normal

It is often difficult for women living with such a person to adequately assess the degree of “abnormality” of what is happening.

This happens for various reasons:

- if the tyrant husband earns a lot of money and fully provides for his family, then very often this is almost the main argument in favor of the fact that everything is in order: “He works so hard, gets tired, sometimes breaks down, what can I do...”

- a woman’s low self-esteem can justify literally everything a man does, these arguments, as a rule, begin with the same phrase: “It’s my own fault...” (gave cause for jealousy, cooked the wrong borscht, left me alone with a capricious child, etc.) The list can be continued indefinitely.

- fear of responsibility for yourself and your life forces a woman, after the next “incident,” to quickly devalue her feelings and experiences and believe that “nothing terrible happened,” or to live in some kind of reality of her own, in which (as in the case of my friend) everything married women are faced with this.

• Realize why you need a tyrant husband?

Ask yourself what hidden benefit Do you have anything to gain from living with a tyrant? The answer to this question can be given with great effort and unpleasant feelings, because you will have to admit to yourself that you are avoiding responsibility.

There are always many people around such a person who sympathize and truly forgive everything. And most importantly, it allows you to forgive yourself everything, and this is also a form of irresponsibility.

• Take responsibility

If you decide to end this painful relationship, then taking responsibility is an inevitable step. Only you and no one else is responsible for your life and your relationships!

Of course, it was not you who made your husband a tyrant, but you chose just such a man, you live with him because you want it, it brings you certain bonuses.

Therefore you will have to choose: on one side of the scale - self-respect, healthy relationships + responsibility. And on the other - an irresponsible life under the tutelage of a tyrant + humiliation, suffering, a sense of insignificance and depression. And depression is not the worst outcome...

I know one story in which everything ended more tragically: a woman fell ill with schizophrenia... This was the only way available to her to “escape reality.” The choice is yours.

• Changing ourselves

Or rather, we change our previous worldview and attitudes to new ones - effective and healthy. Enlist the support of your loved ones and relatives, I am sure that in this decision of yours many will be ready to support you.

Read books, articles. But do not neglect the help of a specialist psychologist; do not forget that your fears of responsibility may be based on deep-seated unconscious reasons that only a specialist can help you cope with.

There are specialized group classes where you can find out that you are not alone with your problem and receive support from “sisters in misfortune”, as well as receive qualified help from a specialist. Or you can choose an individual format of work, depending on what suits you best.

• Increasing self-esteem

The first step in this direction may be the decision to take out your dusty diploma and go to work. For some, this step will be going to a manicure/pedicure.

Everything that helps you feel strong, smart, beautiful, etc. is important. Of particular importance are some specific actions, the result of which can be measured - work, hobby, passion, study - choose for yourself. Your goal is to begin to respect yourself, and to receive that respect and recognition from others.

• Rebuilding the relationship with my tyrant husband

All you need to do is “quit the game”, i.e. stop playing the victim role. Imagine that there is a stranger in your husband’s place - do you need to be offended by him?

How about proving your right or his wrong? No. So you don’t owe anything to your tyrant husband either.

As long as you react emotionally, you are included in this game and it continues. As soon as you can “get out” of the game even a little, the situation will begin to change.

The main “pitfall” of this game may be that, having lost the “object of confirmation of his power,” it will become very difficult for the tyrant. In the process of the so-called “withdrawal”, he is capable of the most nasty acts. In the best case, he will find a “savior”, i.e. mistress.

When one of the participants in this game comes out of it and “recovers,” it is not at all necessary that the other will recover too, he must want this himself, and this does not always happen.

Therefore, as a rule, such families fall apart. But it's up to you to decide- live your life freely and happily or be a “punching bag”, serving someone else’s complexes and traumas all your life.

Dear readers! Have you ever witnessed scenes of domestic violence? Have you ever played the role of a rescuer or a victim? We are waiting for your comments!