I live by emotions, I live by mood. What does it mean to live: with emotions, reason, logic, common sense, not rationally. Living with feelings: do they tell the truth?

Now let’s pay attention to the question of what exactly this condition gives us and why.

Navigation through the article “Here and now: what will we get if we live by feelings?”

What does the “Here and Now” state give us?

Firstly

Being “here and now” will give you the effectiveness of your reactions and actions. We have already said that it is impossible to predict everything 100%. How then to react to something that was not part of the plan, that did not go as you expected? If you are still in your own mind, ideas, fantasies, any deviation from the plan will plunge you into a stupor and generally slow down any action.

“I get lost when something goes “wrong”, I am speechless, I don’t know what to do, and often I just stand in silence, trying to collect my thoughts, and realizing that I look stupider every second... »

If you are in Here and now, you easily feel what you want this moment. And you can easily express your feelings about what is happening and act in accordance with your natural reactions. And, accordingly, if you are in contact with yourself, there will be no stupor or clouding of reason.

Many people are afraid that their reaction will be “inappropriate” or “wrong.” At sessions, hearing this, I always ask – wrong for what?

What standards of correct behavior do you follow? Are you sure these standards are appropriate for this particular case? Why do you put standards above your feelings and your goals? Who told you and when? live by feelings– inadequate?

Naturally, we are forced to respect social boundaries, but they are quite simple in general.

Read the Code of Administrative Offenses - it does not involve many restrictions. Everything else is your own speculation about whether this particular group of people will consider you “normal.”

The most important thing here is that if you constantly think hard in any society about how to react “correctly”, then you will only increase your chances of negative assessment. Because it’s hard to deal with a squeezed, tense, dejected and frightened person in any society.

Even if you try to hide your tension, no one has deprived those around you of their original ability to feel. And therefore, albeit unconsciously, any person next to you is able to grasp your true mood here and now.

Remember the example of cracking eggs. This applies to everything you do - work, sports, sex, household chores, creative expression, communication. If one part of you is here, the other is thinking about who will think what and how this or that might turn out, and the third is generally thinking about tomorrow’s meeting at work, it is unlikely that any of these actions will be quite effective.

Moreover, what is done in “autopilot” mode is poorly remembered. Even if this action does not require attention or special skill, you will then have difficulty remembering in detail what exactly you did and where, for example, you put this or that thing. Sometimes this kind of everyday absent-mindedness becomes an endless source of irritation and loss of time.

Secondly

By being “Here and Now” you will reduce the likelihood that it will be the same as before. When you are in your assumptions, your consciousness filters new possibilities, that is, it “does not notice” them. Look again at the scheme for reproducing the old experience.

If you don't expect anything specific, but actively notice everything that happens in Here and now, you begin to see new possibilities and live with new feelings. And react in a new way. And accordingly, you gain new experience. Which is often much better than the old one.

Most people try to do a lot “ahead of the curve”, based on old experience, other people’s experience, negative expectations and other “suddenly”. Let me give you an example, so to speak, from real life.

The girl tries “just in case” (because she already had such a negative experience) to provide for all the options for the situation “my partner might cheat on me.”

To do this, the following actions are taken: the purposeful survival of friends of the opposite sex from the partner’s environment is carried out, his mail is checked, social media, telephone (depending on what is more accessible).

Restless and unnecessary body movements occur, for example, calling for no reason (because this is the fifth time in a day, and it’s difficult to come up with a reason), attempts to constantly “be there”, dictated by the fear of leaving him alone, coming up with some, in the girl’s opinion, “ inflammatory" situations (for example, provocations to jealousy on her part, which most often degenerates into banal hassle), etc.

All this is designed to help avoid betrayal.

But in reality, the opposite result is achieved - the partner feels extremely limited, gets tired of the constant control and presence of another person, cannot relax, be alone with himself or communicate with friends the way he wants, is constantly forced to delve into provocations and waste his emotions for various “checks”. The result is that he leaves.

And now a simple question - where, in what reality did that girl live? Any day except today.

Partially - in the past, where she had negative experiences. Partially - in the future, about which she was visited only by fears and dark fantasies.

All this had nothing to do with reality, with being “here and now.” And it didn’t work out to live with real feelings for my partner. And sometimes you have to assume that they never existed. After all, what kind of love can we talk about if one does not feel any trust in the other?

If we’re talking about how to draw conclusions from the past, then first find out why there was betrayal in the relationship and how the responsibility of each of the participants was realized in that situation.

Only by realizing the extent of your responsibility (and not just the “guilt” of your partner) can you really draw conclusions. And the most reliable guarantee that the likelihood of betrayal will at least decrease can only be an understanding of what actions in the couple led to this. The actions of both, I emphasize.

But the reality of that girl could be based on the facts of today. And if there were no obvious signs of ambiguity, then in this particular relationship there was no reason to suspect infidelity. And perhaps the relationship would have developed in a different way.

Third

Being “here and now” you will be able to fully contact reality and learn a lot of new things about it. For example, you can spend weeks wondering “what he meant when he looked at me like that.”

If you, having caught the eye, immediately went into fantasies and assumptions, you flew into that very abstract plane, where there are a billion assumptions, theories, “on the one hand” and “on the other hand,” but not an ounce of truth about this reality.

If you continue to remain in Here and now, you can hear your own feelings. And they will deepen and develop in contact with the reality of this view.

Perhaps you will immediately feel what is behind it. Perhaps here and now you will feel growing bewilderment, but it is this that will allow you to immediately ask what is behind the look. This way your interlocutor will understand that you feel him. And your contact at this level will continue to deepen - this is the skill live by feelings.

And if you go into the plane of abstractions, you will not be able to understand your feelings and will not have time to react. And you will be left day after day chewing on assumptions about what it could be, without getting one iota closer to reality.

Living with feelings: do they tell the truth?

I propose to conduct a simple experiment here and now. First at the level of sensations.

Run your hand over any surface and tell me what it is like? For example, soft, warm, fleecy. Do you have any doubts that this is really the case? Hardly. Your fingers transmit a very specific signal to your consciousness.

If someone comes and tells you that your warm and soft surface is actually cold, slippery and smooth - will you believe him? If, again, you don’t go into any abstractions, no. Perhaps you allow a person to have distortions in perception or a different perception - say, his fingers are hot and therefore the surface temperature really seems cooler to him than to you.

But there is no general and “objective” truth in any relationship or in your life. Objective truth, if you can call it that, exists only at the level of the basic laws of nature and objects of the material world.

And sensations are the primary way through which we can learn something about the world. But for each person they are different to one degree or another. And there is no single standard of sensations for everyone. And, accordingly, the conclusions and conclusions drawn on their basis will differ even more for each person than the sensations themselves.

You have your “like” or “dislike,” and what you feel is your reality, which you can rely on. Here and now she is like that. Even if you decide that it is better not to express feelings in this situation, this is your right. But you can notice them. And draw the appropriate conclusions within yourself. Which will be your today's truth about your condition and the state of affairs around you.

To begin with, in any situation, try to pay attention to bodily sensations. Are you comfortable? Do you feel any tension? What do you think is its source? Where exactly is this sensation located in your body? What would you like to do with it?

This practice of listening to yourself may seem overwhelming at first. But over time, you will become much faster at determining what is happening to you at the moment. And this knowledge about yourself will become so obvious over time that for you there will no longer be a question - can what I feel be considered true and is it possible to live by feelings?

Moreover, your sensations will become more vivid. Remember all the most powerful moments of your life. What are they connected to? With feelings. Even if the event was associated with receiving important information, it evoked feelings.

And “thinking” and fantasies in the same circle only cause regrets about wasted time and the fact that fantasies have not yet been given the chance to become reality. But how can something become a reality if you don’t actually try to do it, but just think about it in your head?

Living with feelings is living in reality

I often hear the following statement: “What difference does it make whether the brain receives stimulation from fantasy or reality? After all, the sensations can be the same!”

Imagine, for example, how here and now you are waving your arms. Imagine this for 2-3 minutes. Are you tired? Do you feel a pleasant stretch in your muscles? Has your heart rate increased? Is the tension gone?

Now try waving your arms in reality for the same 2-3 minutes. Even if in the first case you had a certain increase in heart rate, a certain semblance of tension and relaxation, the contrast with reality will still be striking.

Yes, we can create emotions through fantasies and imaginations. And this mechanism itself helps a person, for example, to “get excited” about an idea, and then begin to implement it. But for some reason, most people do not enjoy living solely in their fantasies.

And here everything is simple - while we live in our body, we somehow form a common whole with it. The mind, feelings and body are all our reality, and separating one from the other and the third is fraught with at least a loss of the acuity of sensations and general dissatisfaction.

In a state of here and now, we are usually collected. At least to a greater extent than usual. We feel our body, we are aware of our feelings, which are directly related to our sensations, and the mind is ready for analytical work if necessary.

It is unlikely that you want to experience love without physical contact, a trip to the sea only on TV, communication with friends only through text on the Internet, and playing sports only through photographs. Can you live in books all the time? And will such a life suit you?

The majority unequivocally says “no.”

But when it comes to saying goodbye to their beliefs and judgments about the world, albeit based on experience, but preventing further progress, and admit that the present may differ from the past - the majority, however, choose to continue to exist “in their heads.” ”, missing over and over again new opportunities to live with feelings in reality.

And he waves his arms solely in his imagination, hoping that such an action will help strengthen his arm muscles.

Statistics - the new religion

Separately, this phenomenon “helps” a person never come to his senses. Statistics was intended, in fact, to examine trends in order to change something or draw conclusions. However, for some reason the majority perceive it as a new form of doctrine.

The entire Internet is filled with jokes about British scientists, however, joking about the notorious figure of speech, many continue to sincerely believe that they are determined by statistics.

Here’s a paradox: statistics has always been a study of the existing state of affairs. As in economics, demand initially gave rise to supply. And then it happened that supply began to shape demand. And statistics began to dictate to many how they should behave and what would happen to them.

I just don’t hear any statements based on this new form religions:

- I won’t be able to get married, because according to statistics there are fewer men than women by so many percent, and according to the same statistics, at the age of 30, most of them are married...

- I won’t find a good job for myself, because according to statistics, specialists of my profile are in demand only in such and such a segment, and it only makes up so many percent of the total number of places, and in another, according to market research, slightly different qualities of applicants are needed, which I don't have...

- I will not be able to improve my health, because for the majority, according to statistics and the opinion of doctors, this disease is incurable...

What does all this have to do with you? Why did you classify yourself as part of some faceless group of people? Who collected these statistics? Does it accurately reflect the real state of affairs? And even if it does reflect it, it was there and then, but here and now you yourself can create new statistical trends.

Statistics don't say anything. She doesn't predict. It only explores existing trends. And she cannot predict for you personally, in your specific life, whether you will get married, whether you will improve your health, or whether you will find a job.

Interestingly, according to the same statistics, alcohol consumption per capita in Russia is growing catastrophically, while alcoholism is becoming younger, and mortality from it is increasing.

But for some reason, crowds of people who believe in statistics refuse alcohol, and every Friday, or even more often, they go to “drink the norm.” But for some reason this part of the statistics is ignored. Apparently, I don’t want to believe in her. But then why believe in other gloomy forecasts?

The point, of course, is that faith in statistics is sometimes poorly understood resistance. A person may have his own set of fears (dealing with health, getting married, or looking for a job), but he does not have enough knowledge or determination to isolate these fears and start working with them.

And then the following “excuse” is unconsciously chosen - “there are statistics!”, which, in fact, only justifies the lack of action to improve the situation.

But the simplest action that could be taken right here and now is to refuse to measure yourself by other people's standards. Yes, something happened to someone somewhere. And to be completely blind to what is happening around is unwise.

But what do you have to lose if you start looking for a husband, regardless of the statistics? What if you started trying the health systems available to you, despite what “most people think”? What if you go through interviews trying to find something you like, despite the fact that “British scientists”...?

And if you are afraid of losing time and acting without guarantees, then what are you spending your time on now, today? Perhaps if you start living with feelings, they will tell you how unsatisfactory your reality is for you. But perhaps this feeling will be the impetus for you to start doing something?

Why strong people aren't you afraid to cry? What happens if you constantly suppress anger and fear? Why hide your irritation if it is useful to throw it out? The psychologist talks about what to do with your feelings.

In my youth it seemed to me that strong man- this is someone who knows how to restrain himself, act with a cool head, who may not experience “harmful” emotions: sadness, fear, jealousy, disgust, anger. In general, he cuts off his sensory sphere when necessary. In addition, this model of behavior is often encouraged in society. Many people live with the belief that showing their emotions is shameful.

Life experience and years of studying psychology have convinced me of the opposite: emotions are not a weakness, but a strength. If, of course, you treat them correctly: do not suppress them, but give them the right to be, to live them.

There are no right or wrong feelings. Everyone is needed for something, each performs its own function. By blocking some emotions, we discredit others and deprive ourselves of many pleasant moments. For example, by suppressing fear and anger, we begin to experience much less happiness and joy.

Carl Gustav Jung once said: “Depression is like a lady in black. If she comes, don’t drive her away, but invite her to the table as a guest, and listen to what she intends to say.” There is always a reason for any emotion. And instead of fighting, say, your irritation, it would be good to figure out what it is trying to communicate. When we fight an emotion, we are only fighting an indicator of the problem, not the problem itself. We suppress the feeling and drive the reason for its appearance even deeper into the subconscious. And then, without receiving a way out, the energy of unexpressed emotion finds an outlet in the body - in the form of psychosomatic diseases, vegetative-vascular dystonia, depression and panic attacks.

For this reason, a strong person does not avoid his own feelings, but experiences his emotions as much as possible. And, importantly, he does it in a way that is safe for others. (see examples below). With this approach, fear, sadness and any other “negative” emotion go away much faster. Once you accept it, it immediately begins to let go. “What you resist strengthens, and what you look closely at disappears,” wrote American writer Neil Walsh in his book “Conversations with God.”
In psychotherapy you often hear the words “stay in it.” Are you sad? Stay in it. Do you feel resentment (anxiety, envy, guilt, etc.)? Stay in it.

Stay means recognize and live this feeling. Don't push away or deny. Scary? But it’s much worse to constantly live with background pain, which seems to be frozen computer program, slows down the work of the “processor”. It’s better to meet it face to face one day and, releasing it, say goodbye, than to carry it inside yourself for years. A blocked feeling will strive to find a way out, subconsciously attracting circumstances in which it can finally unfold to its fullest.

For example, if a person has not lived through all the emotions of a difficult breakup, he will live in fear of being abandoned. The same events can be repeated endlessly while a strong and unexpressed emotion sits inside.

Another common "method" – If you find yourself in a traumatic situation, switch as soon as possible. After a divorce, immediately plunge into a new relationship or devote yourself entirely to children, career, and creativity. Yes, it becomes easier for a while, but it is no longer possible to experience real joy from life - it’s as if something is itching inside. Unlived pain and trauma have not gone away; they remain deep inside and prevent the feeling of the fullness of life.

There is an opinion that when you contact a psychotherapist, he will help you get rid of “unhelpful” feelings. In fact, the first and most important thing that a competent specialist teaches is to live your feelings consciously. Tell yourself: “Yes, now I am in pain. But I won’t resist it, and I know it will pass.” Or admit: “I feel angry. And this is completely normal” (no matter how difficult it may be for those who were brought up on the beliefs “being angry is bad” and “you need to restrain yourself”).

Labeling your emotion is not always easy, although even this alone has a therapeutic effect. People complain: “It’s somehow bad, I’m depressed, everything makes me angry...” And it’s unclear what exactly the feeling is. We often confuse shame and guilt, resentment and self-pity, anger and disgust. But until we analyze our condition into emotions and its components, it will not go away. A number of modern areas of psychotherapy (for example, Gestalt therapy) work specifically on the ability to recognize one’s own sensations. In order to develop such sensitivity on your own, you need to be very attentive to yourself. – listen to the sensations in the body, since all emotions find expression precisely in the form of bodily blocks and clamps.

When we realize and experience our feeling, we simultaneously move into the position of an observer. We look from the outside and non-judgmentally describe in words all the sensations. This is how we separate ourselves from emotion, it does not become us, it does not cover us completely. We understand that “I” is not the same as “my feelings” because I am more than them. When I live them, I will not collapse, but will become happier and freer.

Ways to experience emotions

Any emotion - be it a short-term outburst of anger or a prolonged resentment - must be lived, first of all, in a safe way. Safe both for yourself and for others. Here are a few options for how to experience emotions.

Draw. Take the pen to left hand(it is connected to the right hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for emotions) and begin to draw out your anger (guilt, resentment, etc.). Better close your eyes. In a voluntary movement, the hand will transfer all emotions from the body to paper.
Sing or shout. For example, in the forest. Or in an amusement park - here everyone is allowed to do it. Usually some important word is shouted. Assume yes or no if they suit your emotion. You need to do this as many times as necessary until you feel empty inside.
Go for a massage. This is not about relaxation, but about deep work with force. A high-quality massage (for example, Thai), kneading points in places of tension helps to cope with emotions.
Dance. Focus on the emotion, close your eyes, listen to yourself - and movement will appear. Maybe first you just want to rotate your neck, move your arms or fingers. Don't stop, follow your body's desires.
Talk it out. There is one catch: relatives and friends often strive to give advice and begin to look for the reason, but for us it is important to simply pour out our condition without any analysis. All rationalization is possible later, when you are released. Therefore, sometimes it is better to speak out to the tree - and this is not a joke.
Breathe. Any emotions are experienced through the body. One of the most important elements is breathing, since it is directly related to nervous system. Various breathing exercises work great - pranayama, bodyflex, oxysize.
Write on paper. Write a letter to the person who caused you painful emotions. It is important to do this by hand. There is no need to send a letter. The main thing is to realize the feelings and express them on the sheet. There are different methods. For example, Colin Tipping's Radical Forgiveness Questionnaire
Knock out. In moments of anger, I often want to hit someone. Get a special pillow for this or roll a towel and “knock out” the sofa. At the same time, you can growl, scream, stomp, make any sounds - let the process go as it goes from within until you feel relief.
Go to a psychotherapist. Some feelings are scary to live alone: you don’t know what they will lead to. In such situations, a specialist will help you choose a technique and will support the process of your internal liberation and, as a result, personal growth.

Do you have any questions on the topic?

We lose track of who we really are. We limit our capacity for self-knowledge and narrow our field of experience. The techniques we use to distance ourselves from pain and other emotions become firmly ingrained by the age of five, just when we begin to understand the concepts of loss and death.

This method of psychological defense exists in order to maintain consciousness in stressful situations. However, he is capable of harming us in adult life. Apparently, the question is acute: is it worth experiencing emotions or should they be suppressed?

TaylorHerring/Flickr.com

When we suppress emotions, we become tougher in general, we lose the feeling of fullness of life, connection with desires. We more often turn to our past, looking for recipes for a happy life in childhood memories.

To find meaning in our daily actions, we must understand and study emotions well. They can be healthy or unhealthy, primary or secondary.

Primary emotions are healthy emotions and help us function, survive and grow.
Secondary emotions are considered unhealthy. We feel them as a result of making decisions, developing beliefs, and in the process of growing up. If we try to suppress emotions instead of learning from them and working with them, then we only increase their negative impact.

Although some emotions hinder us, we can use them for self-development. Many people are afraid of their own feelings, but they are not as scary as they might seem. We can learn to let them out and do it safely for ourselves.

Not the antonym of rationality. They complement the cold and calculating mind and help guide its work.

TaylorHerring/Flickr.com

By allowing ourselves to experience feelings fully, we begin to better understand what we really want and think, modeling behavior according to this new knowledge.

Feeling emotions is not the same as allowing them to control our behavior. By learning to experience even the most unhealthy emotions in a safe and healthy way, you can minimize their destructive effects. For example, you will learn to feel pain without becoming a victim, or to experience anger without aggression.

This problem is especially relevant for men, who from childhood are taught not only to suppress emotions, but also to separate feelings “for girls” from feelings “for boys.” Because of this, men often have a distorted understanding and perception of emotions. Psychologists note the following features:

Men tend to “convert” one sensation into another. They transform stereotypical female feelings, such as sadness, into anger or pride, because they believe that expressing such emotions will make them worthy members of society.
Men show their emotions where it is considered acceptable. For example, they might hug after scoring a goal on the soccer field. Unfortunately, in other situations, men are less likely to express positive feelings for fear that society will perceive them in the wrong way.
Men can experience feelings physically. Most often this is expressed in headaches or back pain.
Men twice limit themselves in expressing emotions. First, they are afraid of public disapproval. Secondly, even when a man is ready to experience his emotions openly, for example, to open up to his partner, he does not always know how to do it correctly. As a result, even a loved one may negatively perceive the manifestation of feelings and be afraid of a storm of emotions. In such a situation, the need to correctly express, experience, regulate and interpret emotions becomes obvious.

But none of us are born with the ability to manage our emotions. You need to learn this (preferably from an early age) and not stop there.

TaylorHerring/Flickr.com

The practice of emotional therapy can help us understand and accept emotions and transform them in a positive way. Its meaning is to constantly remember feelings without trying to suppress them, to increase tolerance for spontaneous emotions and to live in harmony with them.

When you get overwhelmed by emotions, start breathing deeply.

One of the most common practices that is often used by people with chronic pain. Don't suppress your emotions, instead relax and allow yourself to feel and accept everything fully. It is normal to feel anger, sadness, pain or desire. You just need to learn to live with these sensations without discomfort. And to do this, start experiencing emotions.

Don't judge your own emotions

There are no bad emotions. This is a specific type of adaptation that shows how you dealt with difficult situations at the beginning of his life. An emotion is not a rational response to a given situation, but it shows that you are mindful of similar circumstances and your emotional response to them. Memories and replaying emotions makes us more open to the world around us, because now we know what exactly causes this or that reaction in us, and we do not strive to evaluate it.

Find a way to calm your emotions rather than fuel them.

In other words, you need to find a way to experience the feeling without activating or feeding it. If you're hurt or angry, don't waste time mentally simulating the situation. Experience the pain and just wait for this wave of feelings to subside, and then let go. Don't try to identify with this emotion, don't focus on this state. Even negative emotions are important: they cultivate in us a natural reaction of adaptation to the situation. This will be followed by a feeling of self-compassion. This means that there has been a significant shift in self-perception, which is actually quite difficult to achieve.

Remember: we can learn to experience all emotions while still being rational enough to analyze or make decisions. To learn to live with feelings, you need to understand them. This way you will gain the ability to process and regulate your emotions. This is essential if you ever want to truly build and improve your life.