Features of people who grew up in alcoholic families. Growing up in families where a parent suffered from alcohol addiction. Secrecy in communication
UDC 616.89-008 © Merinov A.V., Lukashuk A.V., 2014
CHARACTERISTICS OF CHILDREN GROWING UP IN FAMILIES WHERE THE PARENT SUFFERED WITH ALCOHOL DEPENDENCE
Annotation. The article is devoted to a review of modern literature data concerning the problems of psychological, drug addiction and clinical-psycho-pathological characteristics of children who grew up in families where a parent or parents suffered from alcohol addiction. The issues of formation, psychodynamics and psychocorrection of detected disorders are considered.
Key words: adult children from families of patients with alcohol dependence, family of a patient with alcohol dependence.
© Merinov A.V., Lukashuk A.V, 2014 PECULIARITIES OF CHILDREN GROWN UP IN FAMILIES WITH A PARENT SUFFERING FROM ALCOHOL
Abstract. The article throws light upon present-day literature data, which deal with peculiarities of psychological, narcological and clinical-psychopathological problems of children who have grown up in families with a parent or both parents suffering from alcohol dependence. The questions of formation, psychodynamics and psychocorrection of the revealed disturbances have been studied.
Key words: grown up children from families of alcohol dependent patients, family of an alcohol dependent patient.
About 40 years ago, the attention of researchers began to attract the attention of problem groups of children who grew up in families of people suffering from alcohol addiction. It turned out that the relevance of this problem is due not only to gross social maladaptation and victimization of this cohort, but also to the significant prevalence of this phenomenon. So, in the USA about 40%
adults (about 76 million people) have a family history of alcoholism. The proportion of children and adolescents in whom at least one of the parents suffers from alcoholism (in what follows we will use the established formulation “adult children of alcoholics” (ACA), in the USA, according to recent studies, ranges from 1:8 to 1:5. It should note that as the average age of a population cross-section increases, the proportion of ACAs in it decreases, which reflects their shorter life expectancy... Extrapolating the given global proportions to Russia, taking into account the current trend in the level of alcoholization of the population, we can say that the number of ACAs ranges from 25 to 50% .
When systematically analyzing scientific publications devoted to this issue, several main approaches to its study can be identified. The greatest interest in this little-studied phenomenon was noted in the 60-80s of the last century, when the main clinical and psychopathological patterns of the “adult child of an alcoholic” syndrome complex were identified, and the most likely spectrum of comorbid pathology was statistically determined. At the end of XX - beginning of XXI century, the interest of researchers switched to analyzing the psychodynamic and neurofunctional aspects of this, without a doubt, multifaceted phenomenon. Moreover, in last decade When studying alcoholism, there is a shift in the interest of scientists from the problems of the individual to his relationships with his immediate environment.
Clinical and psychopathological aspects of the phenomenon. The most common “facade”, but, unfortunately, far from the only problem of ACA is chemical dependencies. Various studies have repeatedly proven that the risk of developing alcoholism in ACAs is significantly higher. Moreover, if there is a father who is addicted to alcohol, the risk of having an alcohol addiction in children is four times higher, and if the mother has an addiction, it is three times higher.
Some scientists have discovered changes in neural stimuli in the mesolimbic system in VDA.
The frequency of alcoholism, according to various sources, in adult sons ranges from 17 to 70%, in adult daughters of alcoholics - from 5 to 25%, drug addiction - about 6% and 3%, substance abuse - approximately 17% and 5%, respectively. Only 19.9% of adult children whose parents are alcoholic do not show any psychopathological disorders at the time of the family study.
Most studies confirm the anticipation hypothesis, which manifests itself in the fact that representatives of the younger generation are more severely ill than representatives of the older generation according to most of the main clinical markers of the course. Moreover, in each specific case, the history of addiction is described as a “telescoped trajectories”, that is, the onset of alcohol consumption occurs at an early age, and the interval before the onset of clinical manifestation of the disease is very short - on average four years for ACA compared to seven years for children from families without a history of addiction. At the same time, there is also the “aversive transmission” hypothesis, which suggests that the more severe the parents’ alcoholism, the lower the risk of their children being addicted.
Also, a number of studies have proven that ACA has a higher incidence pain syndrome, tics, runny nose, enuresis, insomnia, migraines and runny nose, allergies, anemia, colds, weight problems, these people have 60% more injuries and injuries, they are prone to aggressive and risky behavior during school.
While in men from the ACA group the spectrum of psychopathological manifestations is dominated by drug addiction diseases, for women the most typical nosologies are neurotic and borderline register. This includes post-traumatic stress and other stress-related disorders.
structures, as well as anxiety and depressive spectrum disorders.
The question of the specificity of clinical-psychopathological patterns associated with the upbringing of patients with alcohol dependence in the family is debatable and, rather, open. Thus, a number of studies have shown that a similar range of manifestations is present in people who grew up in all dysfunctional families, especially in conditions of intrafamily physical violence. In children from dysfunctional families, the incidence of mental disorders is 95%. Harter S.L. (2000), based on a meta-analysis, came to the conclusion that the manifestations of “ACA syndrome” are nonspecific, and Sher K.J. (1997) suggested that comorbid pathology depends on the presence of comorbid addiction disease in parents: so if parents, in addition to alcoholism, had traits of antisocial personality disorder, then it is likely to be observed in their children, etc.
Despite the controversy of some provisions and the incomplete clarity of the structure of the relationships between various clinical and psychopathological manifestations in ACAs, most researchers agree on one thing: ACAs are a risk group for the development of a wide range of drug addiction and psychiatric diseases, and also have an associated reduced level of social functioning.
Also interesting in this light is the hypothesis that the inheritance of alcohol dependence from parents by children can be realized by two mechanisms. The first is primarily through the genetic pathway of information transmission, in which from birth the ACA has dysfunction in the frontostriatum, which manifests itself first in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, then develops into antisocial personality disorder and ends with the onset of addiction. The second is epigenetic, in which the child takes on dependence from his parents as a variant of non-adaptive regression.
a new coping mechanism, in which alcohol addiction is a way to escape from solving life’s problems, which, in turn, leads to even greater social maladjustment (the vicious circle of secondary alcoholism).
Psychodynamic and personal-psychological aspects of the ACA phenomenon. Children from alcoholic families already in the first six months of life are characterized by negative attachment patterns: low emotional response, high level negative reactions, rare positive messages to parents, and at the age of 18-36 months they show obvious behavioral disorders with internalization of conflict. At the same time, alcohol dependence in a mother, in general, is more destructive because it disrupts symbiotic relationships in the first years of life, when the foundations for the child’s personal adaptation are laid. At the same time, a strong attachment to a healthy mother significantly reduces the negative impact of the father's alcoholism. The dominant emotional reactions in these children are fear and hostility, which subsequently become the cause of psychosomatic disorders and chemical addictions.
The family of a patient with alcohol addiction is a family with contrasting rules: they are either too free or too strict. In such a family, a child very early begins to understand that alcoholism is a big secret of the family, and everything bad that is associated with it must be hidden. Therefore, children strive with all their might to hide the “shame” of the family; they cannot speak openly about the family either with friends or with teachers; secrecy, subterfuge, and deception become ordinary components of their lives. Let us list the main characteristics of families with alcohol dependence in a parent, the most significant for the formation of specific disorders in ACA: blurred, unclear boundaries of various spheres of life, personalities - children often do not know which of their feelings are normal and which are not, and lose the “firmness of the psychological soil under their feet”; denial of existing alcoholic, codependent and other
problematic; inconstancy of attention to the child, with attempts to attract this attention by any means available to him, including delinquent behavior; delegation of blame for the parents' problems to the child - that is, the entire system of education in such a family makes the child believe that he is to some extent to blame for what is happening; insufficient information about the normative functions of the family - children raised in such families have a poor understanding of how a normal family should function.
Children from alcoholic families have signs of increased impressionability and emotionality, which forms a special type of long-term emotional memory. This helps to fix unpleasant events in memory. The child remembers fear, resentment, and insults for a long time. Also, along with active reactions of protest, they often have passive reactions - running away from home, avoiding friendly relations. A more extreme manifestation of passive protest reactions are suicidal attempts, the purpose of which is the desire to take revenge and scare. Another form of behavioral disturbance in children with family alcoholism is imitative behavior (petty theft, hooliganism, foul language, vagrancy) due to their general neuroticism, increased suggestibility, and emotional-volitional instability.
Thus, three basic rules or strategies are formed in families with chemical dependence: “Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.”
The negative educational constructs received by ACAs as they grow older will prevent them from establishing trusting relationships. First of all, this will manifest itself in the difficulties of creating a marriage. It has been proven that ACAs get married less often, and if they do, they report less satisfaction with marriage and more frequent divorces.
N.K. Radina (2003) provides research results according to which ACAs have a less differentiated image of the “I-real” compared to young people.
boys and girls from ordinary families and the specificity of the ACA’s self-image lies in the bipolarity of the role set: to be an aggressor or to be a victim.
It is well known that girls who grew up in families with alcohol addiction are much more likely to choose a man who is also addicted to alcohol as their husband; the number of such choices is estimated at 60-70%. It is believed that because these women grew up in families where ignoring the signs of alcohol addiction (denial) was habitual, therefore they are not prepared to recognize the corresponding signs of this disease in their fiancés, on the other hand, they are attracted to men who resemble their fathers.
In marriage, these girls have a much greater risk of having a chemical dependency or becoming codependent, tightly intertwined with the pathological family dynamics of addictive symbiosis.
In addition, children in families with alcohol addiction more often become victims of physical violence or incest, which is also an aggravating factor in the development of victimized personality traits.
Approaches to rehabilitation of ACA. The process of rehabilitation of the ACA and the restoration of disturbed psychological mechanisms for each patient proceeds in its own way, but at the same time, the most common “milestones” are identified, which are necessarily traced during each “journey to recovery”: awareness and acceptance of one’s condition (identification of the problem); search for the native self (natural expression of feelings, search for one’s own needs and desires); movement towards the desired personality image (formation of new beliefs, behavior patterns and points of view; self-forgiveness).
To work with ACA, it is necessary to both use empirically established protective factors and strengthen general protective properties. At the same time, treatment of alcoholism by the ACA must necessarily be based on three
mandatory principles: reasonable restriction, group and psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapy, “changing the vector of aggression towards external manifestation” - transferring energy that was aimed at self-destruction to creative activity.
Thus, children who grew up in families where one or both parents suffered from alcohol addiction represent a very specific group in terms of personal psychological characteristics, types of socialization and marital status. This contingent in our country often remains “outside the scope” of not only psychocorrectional work, but is also not clinically isolated in the minds of practical narcologists, psychiatrists and general practitioners. At the same time, taking into account even the approximate prevalence of the analyzed phenomenon, we can assume a very serious contribution of the ACA to the formation of drug addiction, somatic, suicidological and other indicators in our country.
In other words, in our society there has long been a serious medical and social problem, which until now, unfortunately, has not been considered as such.
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Psychological assistance to a family going through a divorce is determined by the dynamics of the process itself and can take various forms: Individual counseling (therapy); O Marital counseling (therapy); □ group therapy for divorcing spouses and children; O family counseling (therapy).
22. A special type of problem family includes a family where the mother and (or) father abuse alcohol. The development of children living in an “alcoholic family” occurs with severe mental disorders. Children are characterized by the syndrome of “pedagogical neglect”, low self-esteem, and are often in a state of depression, fear and grief. Belarusian scientists I.A. Furmanov, A.A. Aladin, N.V. Furmanova, who deal with the problems of such families, note that a child can choose one or another adaptation strategy in a family of alcoholics. This adaptation is carried out in the form of one of the following roles taken on by the child. "Terrible child." Such children behave defiantly and force attention to themselves, creating emotionally intense situations. "Pseudo-parent." The child begins to take on most of the responsibility for the family, performing the functions of the parents. No matter how hard such children work (cleaning the apartment, preparing food, earning money), trying to save their family, they still have low self-esteem
"A fool". In order to get rid of stress, a child can start making fun of everyone and everything. Over time, these people are no longer taken seriously, so they have difficulty establishing deep connections with other people. "Invisible Man". Choosing this role allows the child not to attract the attention of drinking parents. He can sit quietly in a corner or in his room, trying not to disturb adults from doing their own business, turning into an “empty place.”
"Sick". The choice of this role can be determined both by the child’s real chronic illness and by the somatization of psychological problems. The disease allows the child to switch the parents' attention to him
In general, “alcoholic families” are distinguished by a reduction in the parental responsibilities of husband and wife, a narrowing of the range of interests and contacts with the social environment, superficiality of emotional interaction, and a lack of time perspective. Children of alcoholics often have a feeling of their own uselessness (unformed basic trust in the world) and a feeling of hopeless longing for a better life in a better family.
23. Psychology of a child from an alcoholic family.
Children of drinking parents constitute a genetic risk group for the incidence of alcoholism and drug addiction. Children from alcoholic families carry a complex of psychological problems associated with certain rules and role guidelines of such a family, which also leads to the likelihood of falling into a social risk group. In order to survive in an alcoholic family, a child inevitably learns maladaptive forms of behavior. But perhaps children become the most vulnerable during adolescence. The teenager not only deeply experiences the tragedy caused by his parents’ drunkenness, but also often tries to find in alcohol the key to solving family problems. As a result, the process of destruction and degradation of his personality occurs quite quickly and acutely. The teenager becomes rude, callous, and angry towards the people closest to him. His emotional development is sharply inhibited, indifference and emptiness appear, lethargy increases, unwillingness to do something, to strive for something, aggressiveness and a tendency to antisocial, unmotivated actions are born.
The most important features of the growing up process of children from alcoholic families are that: children grow up with the conviction that the world is an unsafe place and people cannot be trusted;
children are forced to hide their true feelings and experiences in order to be accepted by adults;
children feel emotional rejection from adults when they inadvertently make mistakes, when they do not meet the expectations of adults, when they openly express their feelings and needs;
Children, especially older ones in the family, are forced to take responsibility for the behavior of other people. They are often judged for the actions and feelings of their parents;
parents do not share feelings and do not approve of the child’s behavior; condemnation of his actions forms a negative assessment of his personality as a whole;
children feel abandoned;
parents may not perceive the child as a separate being with its own value;
Parents' self-esteem may depend on the child's behavior;
feelings that once arose in a child in the family become driving forces in his later life. This is fear, guilt, resentment, anger.
24. Permissive style of family education From a very early age, parents provide their child with complete uncontrolled freedom of action. Adults in such families are very often busy with themselves, with their affairs, with their friends, with their work. They care little about the child’s state of mind; they are indifferent to his needs and demands. And sometimes they simply don’t consider it necessary to pay attention to them. Parents use punishment and reward methods inconsistently and ineptly. The main method of education in such a family is carrot and stick. Competitive parenting style With a competitive style of family education from an early age, parents look for something outstanding and unusual in the actions of their child. The child's activity is constantly encouraged. In their love for their child, parents sometimes do not pay attention to the human qualities of the baby. As a result of such education, a search social - psychological type child’s personality Particular attention is required to the formation of a culture of communication with adults and peers, the development of listening skills and to hear not only oneself, but also other people. Reasonable family parenting style From early childhood, parents provide their child with complete freedom of action and give him the opportunity to gain personal experience through his own trial and error. They exclude shouting and reproaches from their pedagogical arsenal. The child’s parents believe that his activity should find a natural outlet. They are sure that a child should not be rewarded for what he does with pleasure. In raising a child, they do not use coercive measures and physical punishment. Parents and children develop warm and kind relationships. As a result of this style of family education, a sensitive social and psychological personality type is formed. Children in such families grow up inquisitive and active. Sometimes it is very difficult for children from such families to adapt to school if the teachers have an authoritarian style.
About 50 years ago, the attention of researchers began to attract
problematic contingent of children who grew up in families of people suffering
alcohol addiction. It turned out that the relevance of this problem
we are caused not only by gross social maladaptation and victimization
ity of this cohort, but also the significant prevalence of this
phenomena. So in the USA, about 40% of adults (about 76 million)
people) have a family history of alcoholism. The proportion of children who
In most cases, at least one of the parents suffers from alcoholism (in the future
we will use the established formulation “adult children al-
coholics" (ACA)), in the USA, according to recent studies, the composition
ranges from 1:8 to 1:5 (Jordan S., 2010). It should be noted that as the
As the average age of the population cross-section increases, the share of ACA in it decreases.
This is believed to reflect their shorter lifespan. The ex-
Trapolating the given global proportions to Russia, taking into account
current trend in the level of alcoholization of the population we can talk about
that the number of ACAs ranges from 25 to 50%.
The greatest interest in this little-studied phenomenon was noted by
in the 60-80s of the last century, when the main
Clinico-psychopathological patterns of the “adult” syndrome complex
child of an alcoholic,” and is also statistically determined to be the most likely
wide spectrum of comorbid pathology. Late XX - early XXI
century, the interest of researchers switched to the analysis of psychodynamic
cultural and neurofunctional aspects of this multifaceted phenomenon
nia. In the last decade there has been a shift in the interest of scientists
from the individual’s problems to his relationships with his immediate environment
Clinical and psychopathological aspects. The most common “fa-
garden", but, unfortunately, far from the only problem of the ACA is
chemical dependencies occur. In various studies there are many
It has been proven many times that the risk of developing alcoholism among ACAs is significantly
higher . Moreover, if there is a father dependent on alcohol, the risk
alcohol dependence in children is four times higher, with
mother's addiction rate - three times.
The frequency of alcoholism according to various sources in adults
of althonic sons ranges from 17 to 70%; in adult daughters of patients with al-
coholism - from 5 to 25%, drug addiction - about 6% and 3%, substance abuse -
approximately 17% and 5% respectively. Only 19.9% of adults
children whose parents are alcoholic are not found to have any
or psychopathological disorders at the time of the family study
Also, a number of studies have proven that ACA has a higher incidence of
Most pain syndrome, tic, runny nose, enuresis, insomnia, migraine
and runny nose, allergies, anemia, colds, weight problems, these people
di have 60% more damage and injuries while training in
At school they are prone to aggressive and risky behavior. At that
while in men from the ACA group in the spectrum of psychopathological
manifestations, drug addiction diseases predominate, for women
the most typical nosologies are neurotic and borderline
th register. This includes post-traumatic and other related
stress disorders, as well as anxiety and depressive disorders
strong spectra.
The question of the specificity of those associated with upbringing in the
Mie MSAZ clinical-psychopathological patterns is debatable
white and most likely open. Thus, a number of studies have shown
that a similar spectrum of manifestations exists in people who grew up in all
dysfunctional families, especially in conditions of intrafamily fi-
ical violence. S.L. Harter (2000) based on a meta-analysis came
to the conclusion that the manifestations of “VDA syndrome” are nonspecific, and K.J. Sher
(1997) suggested that comorbidity depends on the presence
comorbid dependence disease in parents: so, if a parent has
In addition to alcoholism, there were traits of an antisocial personality race
disorder, then with a high probability it will be observed in their children as well.
tey, etc. Despite the controversial nature of some provisions and incomplete
structures
relationships
various
psychopathological manifestations in ACA, most researchers
agree on one thing: ACAs are a risk group for the formation
a wide range of drug addiction and psychiatric diseases, and
also have a reduced level of social functioning: blurred, unclear boundaries of various areas of life,
personalities - children often do not know which of their feelings are normal and which are
No; they lose “the firmness of the psychological soil under their feet.” Semi-
ACA negative educational constructs as they mature
Lesions will interfere with the establishment of trusting relationships. IN
First of all, this will manifest itself in the difficulties of creating a marriage.
It has been proven that ACAs get married less often, and if they do, then
report less marital satisfaction and more frequent divorces
N.K. Radina (2003) provides data according to which
VDA less differentiated image of the “I-real” compared to
boys and girls from ordinary families and the specificity of ideas about
The ACA itself consists of a bipolar role set: to be an aggressor
or a victim.
It is well known that girls who grew up in MSAZ families are much more
more often choose a man who is also alcohol dependent as their husband
Moreover, the number of such elections is estimated at 60-70%, which on average occurs twice as often as among girls without history.
ries of family alcoholism. It is believed that due to growing up in
families where ignoring the signs of alcohol dependence (denial
tsaniye) was habitual, girls who grew up in MSAZ families cannot
recognize the corresponding signs of this disease in your fiancés
On the other hand, they are attracted to men who resemble their fathers
In marriage, these girls have a higher risk of having chemical dependency
Or become codependent, tightly intertwined in a pathological se-
main dynamics of addictive symbiosis.
In conclusion, we note that the contribution of the ACA to suicidological problems
indicators have not been studied enough. Most studies are purely
ascertaining nature, where the frequency of identification of parents is noted,
suffering from alcohol addiction, boys and girls,
who were committing suicide. Until now there was no focus
extensive and detailed studies concerning the antivitality of living
ACA, which would allow the creation of effective preventive models
whether, both suicidological and drug addiction.
Thus, the role, place and significance of auto-aggression in families
MSAZ to date remain not fully understood. This
dictates, given the prevalence and interconnectedness of the considered
phenomena, carrying out further scientific research, part
which are the own data presented in this work
When appears in the family drinking man, then each of its members suffers from his actions; adult children of alcoholics, who at one time became unwitting witnesses of home drunkenness, know this firsthand. Every person who is faced with alcoholism knows that this destructive addiction poisons not only physical health, but also destroys personal relationships with loved ones.
Families in which parents are addicted to drinking, as a rule, cannot be called prosperous. Violence and disruption of the psycho-emotional atmosphere flourish in them. Children growing up in such an atmosphere often become not only witnesses to their parents' alcoholism, but also victims of their drunken antics and whims. Many of these children have psychological problems during adult life, which prevent them from building relationships with other people and personal development.
Book by Janet Woititz
In the 80s of the last century, a book by Janet Voititz was published, which described in detail the psycho-emotional state of adult children of drinking parents, the characteristics of their behavior and the tendency to regularly drink alcohol.
Often, adult children of alcoholics suffer from psychological trauma suffered in childhood due to their father or mother’s drinking.
In most cases, it is customary to hide family problems associated with drinking alcohol from strangers. This secrecy has several reasons:
Children of drunkards often have to take care of themselves from an early age. Mother and father do not devote time to raising them. If they drink together, then all their attention is focused on the bottle. If one of the parents suffers from alcohol addiction, then the other is busy actively fighting the “evil serpent” and cannot devote enough time to his own children.
Often, a teenager growing up in dysfunctional family, and he starts drinking alcohol early. This is not due to genetic predisposition, but to the desire to be noticed own parents, plunging into alcoholism along with them.
Who are “adult children of alcoholics”?
As they grow older, people who grew up with drinking parents develop certain character traits that predetermine their adult life. Even if they become adherents of a sober lifestyle, childhood memories associated with alcoholism will remain in their memory.
Introduction
Alcoholic (dysfunctional) families are the breeding ground for the development of addictions and various problems, in the occurrence of which traumatic childhood events are important. Therefore, dysfunctional families are called unhealthy, and functional families are called healthy. We previously conducted a comparison of healthy and unhealthy families. A special case of a dysfunctional family is a family in which one parent is an alcoholic and the other parent suffers from codependency. Using the example of such families, we will consider the features emotional development children.
SYSTEM OF EMOTIONAL COORDINATES OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILYGrowing up and growing up is difficult. Growing up in an alcoholic home can be overwhelming. Millions of adult men and women grew up in homes where alcohol ruled their lives. Millions of children still live in such families, if you can call it life. My experience working with children of alcoholics makes me agree with the opinion of Cermak T.L., who compared the psychological trauma of children in these families with the traumatic experiences of war veterans, known as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This syndrome occurs in war veterans when they begin to adapt to civilian life after the war. Children of alcoholics suffer stress comparable to the loss of a loved one.
B.E. Robinson compared alcoholic family with the psychological battlefield. Children are often forced to choose which side to fight on - mom's or dad's. Sometimes the battle line is between parents and children.
It often happens that it is easier for a child to get along with a drinking parent and more difficult to get along with a sober second parent who suffers from codependency. Codependent parents are often irritated and tired of this battle. They are anxious, nervous, and experience tension due to their spouse’s behavior. Unconsciously, parents transmit these feelings to their children. The slightest misdeed by children is enough to make a codependent parent irritated, upset, and sad.
Some parents try to suppress and hide their true feelings from their children. This inevitably leads to an explosion of negative feelings. Children do not understand these manifestations of emotions. Eight-year-old Tolik reported with bewilderment: “And our mother is always scolding.”
Codependent parents desperately fight to keep everything normal in the family. They are so absorbed in putting their house in order that it drains all their psychic energy and one spark is enough for an explosion to occur again. Then they can demonstrate an indifferent attitude towards children: “Do what you want, just leave me alone.” The patient with alcoholism absorbs all the attention; all life in the house revolves around him, around his problems. And children feel abandoned, unwanted, unloved.
FORMATION OF A CHILD'S EMOTIONAL SPHERE
Low self-esteem
A child's sense of self-worth, worth, giftedness and uniqueness develops only if parents give him as much attention as the child requires. The attention that sons and daughters of alcoholic parents received was mixed with toxic emotions. The child is praised little and criticized a lot. Words and hints are interpreted by the child as negative ideas about himself.
· I am not a very important person.
· I constantly get under my feet.
· I bring problems and difficulties to others.
· I'm not attractive.
· I am very loud or quiet or clumsy (whatever).
· I'm not smart, I'm stupid.
· I can't do anything properly.
· I can't be trusted with anything.
· I am selfish and demand too much.
· They don't like me.
· I am unwanted, unnecessary.
Even one or two such beliefs are enough for a child to form low self-esteem, since these messages come from the most significant persons– parents or persons replacing them.
ErrorsIn healthy, functional families, mistakes are allowed. Overcoming mistakes helps you grow and develop. Family members encourage both adults and children to explore unfamiliar aspects of life. All family members take responsibility for their actions.
In healthy families, children develop a sense of belonging to the family because they feel positive cohesion, a close attachment of family members to each other. At the same time, a healthy family respects and values individual differences.
Children of alcoholics see themselves through the cloudy glass of their parent's view of the world. Mistakes in an alcoholic family are simply prohibited. Alcohol erodes and dissolves the self-esteem of a person and all family members. Children don't know if they have ground under their feet. They cannot stand on their own two feet because their roots (parental family) are sick and weak.
Uncertainty not only about the future, but also about what will happen tonight, makes little sentinel soldiers out of children. Children need to stand guard to be ready to face a challenge and protect themselves. They fight bravely to overcome a fundamentally insurmountable problem. The unpredictability of events in the family is the only constant and predictable characteristic of such families.
In alcoholic families, if there is cohesion, it is negative cohesion, implicated in criticism, violence, inconstancy, denial and excessive stress. Survival there is possible, but at what cost? Survival replaces life, growth and development. Survival is not life. The child's personal growth stops. There is a fixation on one’s feelings of inadequacy and humiliation.
Completing thingsIn healthy families, parents constantly pay attention to the work that the child does and completes. At the same time, parents' expectations are realistic, praise and support are constant. Parents provide a sense of guidance in the child's life and at the same time allow him to feel like an independent person.
In alcoholic families, the child’s completed tasks receive recognition and praise depending on the mood of the parents and the state of the alcoholic parent. The constant is criticism, not encouragement. Along with alcohol fumes in the house, possible insults and violence hang in the air - physical, emotional, sexual. Expectations are determined by the blood alcohol level of the sick family member.
NegationThe family ignores alcoholism and considers just such irresponsible behavior of an alcoholic acceptable. Denial as a form of psychological defense helps cope with pain. The “family secret” is protected by masks and carefully chosen words in conversation. And although this helps the family survive, at the same time, denial maintains the long-term existence of alcoholism.
A codependent, i.e. a sober parent, pretends to the children that nothing special is happening and insists that the children perceive reality this way. “Oh, your father is not an alcoholic. He just works hard and lets himself relax.”
The parent denies what the child sees with his own eyes. The child is confused and begins to distrust reality. Children are forced to suppress their suspicions and minimize their feelings towards their drinking parent: “Since mom said so, it means everything is not as bad as I thought.” Until the age of nine, children primarily perceive the world through the eyes of their parents. They doubt and deny their own perceptions. Then they get used to lying to their peers and denying what is happening in the family.
Outwardly, on the visible stage, the children appear to be normal. Boys and girls try to be who they should be according to their parents - a sign, a calling card of the non-existent well-being of the family. Such families are called façade families. Everything is fine on the outside, but on the inside it is a nightmare. Pitch hell is becoming a familiar situation.
Anger
Anger is the most common emotion in children that arises as a reaction to a parent's alcoholism. The expression and manifestation of anger is usually prohibited for children, although adults allow themselves to be angry. It is true that adults rarely serve as healthy models for the expression of anger. And the child has no one to learn this from. The child knows that it is wrong to be angry, it is wrong. He often hides his anger under the mask of a false smile. Later this can lead to poverty of feelings. As E. Fromm wrote, “Initially, the child refuses to express his feelings, and ultimately, the feelings themselves” (p. 203). .
Anger in a child can arise for a number of reasons. This is the refusal of parents to support the child during an argument, betrayal, double messages (“I love you. Get out of here, don’t get in the way.”) Often parents do not keep their promises. If one parent shows cruelty to a child, and the second sees this and does not protect, then the child perceives the situation as a betrayal. A drunk parent can break toys or ruin others dear child things. A child may react to the destruction of his property with anger and even rage. Beneath these feelings lie pain, sadness, the bitterness of existence.
Depression
Children of alcoholics are significantly more likely to describe their childhood as unhappy compared to children of non-alcoholic parents. In adulthood, they are twice as likely to suffer from depression than children of non-alcoholic parents. Depression is a lifelong legacy, although it often occurs only periodically. Good news is that not all adult children suffer from depression. Children whose parents are treated for alcoholism and achieve long-term abstinence from drinking alcohol clearly feel better.
FearFear and bad feelings also become habitual feelings. The unpredictability of parental expectations and reactions creates a palpable fear of the unknown. Will father come sober today? Will mom yell at dad? Why will I be scolded today?
The fear of parents' anger almost never goes away in children. Anger in alcoholic families is completely incomprehensible; it is senseless and constant. All the time, someone is yelling at someone, and someone is blaming someone. Sometimes family members hit each other.
Looking at all this, the child learns to avoid confrontation, so as not to add anything to the constantly boiling cauldron.
GuiltChildren in alcoholic families often feel guilty and responsible for their parent's drinking. Some even believe that it is because of him, the child, that the parent drinks. “If I were a good girl, dad wouldn’t drink,” said five-year-old Anya. She thought that if she tried really hard and finally became a “good girl,” then the drinking would come to an end. This is how she nurtured her hope. This saved her from despair. Children often think that they are able to control their parent's drinking.
As adults, children continue to feel guilty almost constantly. This feeling arises easily in a variety of circumstances. If someone accuses them, then they willingly take the blame personally. Adult children of alcoholics enter the doctor's or boss's office with a ready-made phrase on their lips: “Excuse me.”
Some adults feel guilty for thinking in childhood: “It would be better if my father died, then all this would stop immediately.” Some feel guilty for what they did, maybe hit a parent. Feelings of guilt can replace feelings of anger. Is guilt lighter than anger?
In the chaotic home of an alcoholic, little is reliable, safe or controllable. Mom and dad cannot be trusted. Daily life is unpredictable, painful feelings are repressed and suppressed. Children in alcoholic families spend a lot of energy just to be, to exist, to survive.
Confusion and isolation
Ten-year-old Misha often complained to the school psychologist that the kids made fun of his father when they saw him drunk. This embarrassed Misha very much. Therefore, he did not play with the guys, isolated from his peers just at the time when they were becoming a close, friendly company. Misha's ability to make friends was limited. Only Petya understood him, because Petya’s father was also an alcoholic.
A common story with children of alcoholics. Children hide their father or mother's drunkenness and avoid inviting friends to their house. Natasha's father once came to school drunk. He fell in front of the whole class. The guys giggled and watched him with interest. Natasha was very embarrassed, became so shy that she spoke in a whisper. She was very ashamed of her father. She closed herself off and was not friends with anyone.
Many children in such families build invisible walls around themselves, live more in dreams and fantasies than in real world. They seem to encapsulate their feelings and do not open this capsule until they are thirty or forty years old.
Grief, loss
The question arises: “Can children of alcoholics with such a difficult emotional experience become the complete opposite of their parents? Can they build a functional family?”
Anton Petrovich, 34 years old, said: “Since I grew up in an alcoholic family, I wanted to be completely different from my parents. I passionately wanted to have my own healthy family, perhaps because I never had one. I never felt like I was part of my family. This is what I wanted most of all. If I lived in a normal family, this probably wouldn’t be so important to me.”
Grief in children with alcoholism can manifest itself at different levels. The absence of a normal family for a child can give a feeling of loss, grief, and lost childhood. In the future, this feeling may visit a person from time to time. Remember the words of A.P. Chekhov: “I didn’t have a childhood as a child”? The loss of a carefree, joyful childhood can be the cause of grief, a psychological process with 5 stages described by E. Kubler-Ross.
Before the onset of puberty, the process of grief from the loss of a parent, physical or psychological loss (“father drowned in wine”), is not clearly recognized by the child. This feeling then prevents the teenager from developing an identity, becoming aware of himself as a unique person with a sense of self-worth and worth. Unresolved feelings of grief and loss can darken life and interfere with building your family.
POISONOUS MESSAGES FROM THE COUNTRY OF CHILDHOODWhat ideas about themselves do children of alcoholics enter adulthood with?
They have internalized at least four toxic messages:
1. I can’t do anything properly;
2. I can't think correctly;
3. I can't trust anyone but myself;
4. I don't have to feel or express my feelings.
THE BEGINNING OF RECOVERY
Psychotherapy for adult children of parents with alcoholism can begin with a discussion of the feelings that the person experienced in childhood and that he experiences now. Previously, they had rarely been able to express what they felt in a trusting, confidential environment. For adult children of alcoholic parents, the following exercise can be offered at one of the initial therapeutic sessions. This is just the beginning. Therapy is long-term. The results can be positive and significant.
Exercise “Revising past experience”
Read the list below.
You begin to recover when you appreciate all your past experiences. Perhaps in the past you have experienced emotional deprivation - some feelings prevailed and did not allow others to break through. Emotional deprivation stunts personal growth.
Relax. Get yourself into a comfortable state. Read the list below and ask yourself for each item: “Have I experienced fear of rejection?” “Have I had difficulty achieving close relationships?” Mark the experiences that relate to your past life. You will find that some of the above applies to you and some does not. Just don't feel guilty. If some feelings, experiences, or problems that are important to you are not included in the list, just add them.
Fear of Rejection
Difficulty achieving close relationships (intimacy)
Mistrust
Tension
Sudden mood swings
Low self-esteem, lack of self-esteem
Bulimia (overeating) anorexia nervosa(refusal to eat)
Alcoholism in yourself or in people close to you
Lie to yourself
Addiction to experiencing delight, excitement
Addiction
Casual sex or other sexual misconduct
Manifestations of violence on one’s part or observation of violence on the part of significant others
Excessive responsibility or excessive irresponsibility
Excessive reactions to something or excessive indifference
Impulsiveness
Tendency to criticize and judge others
Inability to relax
Need to control others
The need to receive praise and support, approval
Compulsive (almost violent) behavior in oneself or in significant loved ones (overeating, striving for extreme achievements at any cost, smoking, substance abuse).
Now you are more clearly aware of some of your psychological characteristics that can create problems in your life.
Becoming aware of your problems is a very important part of healing.
Being able to discuss some of these issues in a group therapy setting brings relief and hope for healing.
Bibliography
1. Moskalenko V.D. Adult children with addictions – a multiple risk group // Mental health. – 2006, No. 5(5). – P.61-67.
2. Fromm E. Flight from freedom. / M.: “Progress”. – 1990. 271 p.
3. Black C. Children of alcoholics as Youngsters- Adolescents – Adults / New York: Ballantine Books. – 1981. - 203 p.
4 Robinson B.E. Working with Children of Alcoholics. D.C. Health and Company/ Lexington, Massachusetts/ Toronto: Lexington Books. – 1989. – 253 P.
5. Cermak T.L. A primer on adult children of alcoholics. Pompano Beach, Florida: Health Communications. – 1985.
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