Their child together. Co-sleeping as a phenomenon of child-parent contact. “A sleeping child is a good opportunity to avoid any assault and initiate sexual contact”

I was inspired to write this longread by a post in one community where the question was asked: “How does modern psychology look at co-sleeping? Until what age is it normal to sleep with your parents?”

The (short) answer is: modern psychology does not look at this question in any way.
For the sake of a long answer, a longread was written)

It is necessary to understand that there is not and cannot be any single view on this issue in “modern psychology.” Modern psychology is an overview of different theories and directions, the views of specific scientists, both academic theorists and practitioners. Therefore, psychoanalysts will have one view on this, Gestalt therapists will have another (and as a Gestalt therapist, I know both Gestaltists who are for early separation and those who are against), and family therapists will have a third. However, there may be many conflicting studies that were also conducted with varying degrees of compliance with academic norms. I’m not an academic psychologist and I’m not at all sure that psychological theorists are actively working on issues of co-sleeping. Because to do this you need to observe how the child grew up, how his personality was formed. And this is impossible, because it will take more than a dozen years.

However, I have a position on this issue based on experience with clients, data developmental psychology and personal experience, which I would like to present.

If we talk about theory, I can talk about this topic as a teacher who took a course in developmental psychology at my university many years ago (and, by the way, new research on developmental psychology has probably already appeared, and it is also heterogeneous). But the classical understanding (Vygotsky, Elkonin) divides early childhood into the following periods:

Period up to a year.

This is the time when the child needs basic security, when he is helpless and dependent on the mother, the time of fusion and the closest attachment, the closest contact. The child cannot feed himself, cannot move, the newborn does not even see fully, like an adult. And, of course, the child’s main need at this moment is the need for safety. It is safe for him to be close to his mother, to suckle, to hear her breathing in her sleep. In fact, at this time the baby cannot be left alone at all, and co-sleeping is a way to remain in fusion with the mother.

Therefore, my opinion is clear - that up to a year, a child needs co-sleeping. And in general, it is necessary and convenient (usually) for the mother too, because the mother also has separation anxiety, she worries and worries when the child is not around. Many women notice with surprise during this period: “I got up at night, woke up to listen to whether he was breathing, that everything was fine with him, although I knew that nothing bad could happen.” Hence the habit of looking at a sleeping child, “checking” him when he sleeps - all these are signs of unconscious maternal anxiety associated with separation. These are, in general, quite ancient natural mechanisms, about which much has been written in the relevant literature (Gonzalez, Sirsy, Petranovskaya). And it seems stupid to oppose them. And there seem to be no more questions left about the benefits of sleeping together during this period. Studies have been conducted on this topic, which showed that infants with whom SS was practiced were calmer and healthier than their peers. The only doubts here are among Soviet-trained pediatricians, who are afraid that a child can be crushed during SS, but these fears have also long been dismissed by other specialists, the same Sears. There are studies confirming that babies sleeping in their parents’ bed are much calmer than their peers, and that “sudden infant death syndrome” happens to them less often.

Now a very small digression about practice: how Gestalt therapists deal with the client’s material. We have no concept of “norms” (well, perhaps within the framework of the criminal code). We look at how the client deals with his life and how he chooses what he chooses, whether it gives him satisfaction. Therefore, a child sleeping together with his mother is not a symptom of something, but a PHENOMENON. It may talk about something, indicate some problem that the client came with, or it may mean nothing. We don't rate it. At the same time, the therapist is a living person, and his personal experience influences perception, although it should not be considered the truth.

So, if a client comes to me and says that the baby is two months old, and he sleeps in the next room, and even, for example, the “cry out and fall asleep” method is used on him, I might think that the client has very strict boundaries or she has experienced some kind of childhood trauma (another option - it is very dependent on the opinion of pediatricians or grandmothers who believe that the child should sleep separately), etc. For me, not holding a newborn baby close to me and comforting me at night is strange. This will be a PHENOMENON that you can somehow check, for example, say something like: “You know, it’s difficult for me to understand you a little here, because my children always slept with me at that age, but how do you like that the child is so far away from you?" - and then listen to the answer. It may clarify this issue, or it may turn out to be quite meaningless. But this is a topic for study, not a diagnosis.

Therefore, I do not give clients recommendations on when to wean or stop co-sleeping, when it is normal to do this - but together we search and explore how her life and her personality works, and together we look for a solution that will suit her.

1.5 years - 3 years.

For about a year, the child experiences a crisis associated with the beginning of walking. This is the beginning of separation from the mother (more precisely, separation begins from the moment of birth, but I this moment I’m talking about the moment when the process of psychological separation, exit from emotional fusion, begins). The very beginning of walking is characterized by anxiety, which the child often shows by wanting to sleep nearby, suckle more, grab his mother’s clothes, and demand that she be close.

After the walking crisis ends (many children begin to walk at the age of one or two - one or three, so it is impossible to indicate the exact time here), the leading activity of the toddler becomes object-manipulative, i.e., it becomes important for him not to merge with his mother in order to feel security , but knowledge of the world. At the same time, it is important for him that his mother is within reach (Petranovskaya wittily calls this period “at the skirt”).
What is the role of co-sleeping here? As a rule, from this time you can begin to gradually abandon breastfeeding(right now, and not in a year when the crisis of the onset of walking has not yet passed) and gradual separation from the child during sleep. This can be an additional crib, when the baby sleeps nearby, but not in the same bed.
From personal experience, I can say that in my mind the milestone of two years, which WHO recommends for the end of breastfeeding, is important. From the age of two years and several months, I put my eldest in a side crib. In the morning he moved “under the side”, and by about 2.5 years he was already sleeping in an attached crib until the morning.

However, this trick did not work with the youngest - at three years old he sleeps on the side bed for several hours, and in the middle of the night he moves to mine, although he weaned easily and earlier than the older one. Even this small example suggests that all children are different, and one may need more breastfeeding, while another may need tactile contact at night.

At three years of age the famous three-year crisis occurs. Essentially this is a merging break. That's it, the child begins to feel his own separateness, himself as an “I”, which may not want what the mother wants. The rupture of the merger is expulsion from paradise: just now the gardens of Eden delighted you with their fruits - and it is over, “mom broke”, mother is no longer that gentle and always loving. The psyche adapts to futility: for some it is slow and painful, for others it is faster and easier.

As always in a crisis, the child can be supported during this period, including with the help of closer tactile contact, but not “returned” to fusion. In order not to return to the topic of the crisis, I will note here that a child’s anxiety increases in any difficult times for him: the divorce of his parents, the birth of a younger child, the death of loved ones, difficulties in family relationships. And at such moments, of course, the need for contact, including tactile contact, grows. Therefore, if, for example, a three-year-old has a younger child, it is useful to take both of them into your bed - this will reduce stress for the baby and partially relieve jealousy of the newborn.

And then the preschooler begins his period role playing game, for which communication with other children is very important to him. From this age, he can be left for a few days with other caring adults, and he can adapt. And, from a theoretical point of view, anxiety as a basic problematic experience gradually gives way to the so-called “childhood fears,” when a baby may be afraid of the dark, “monsters,” and so on. Existentially, this is also associated with the experience of fear of death, which the child first learns about at this age. This fills him with anxiety, but to cope with it, it is quite enough to know about the possible support of adults, and this anxiety is not so strong as to return the child to his bed. My position is that it is good for a child under 7 years old to sleep in the same room with his parents, this allows him to cope with fears.

On the other hand, my eldest son is just now going through this period. He sleeps in another room and is also afraid of monsters, but he invariably refuses the offer to sleep next to us, because his younger brother often wakes him up at night in this room. What I mean is that children of this age are already stable enough to cope with fears, so I personally don’t see the need for co-sleeping.

Another thing is that both children and adults love tactile contact, so why not lie on the bed together, hug, fight with pillows? This is what children usually do - in the mornings and evenings. Because at night they are quite capable of enduring separation from their beloved parents.

Therefore, personally, my “watershed” for ending co-sleeping is 3-4 years (adjusted for the psyche of a particular child). And if sleeping together lasts longer, then this will also be a PHENOMENON for me. (emphasize again that a phenomenon does not equal a diagnosis)

A phenomenon of what?
As a rule, the merging of the child with the mother, the boundaries between them are still too close. Who supports him? Of course, mother. Those who say “he himself does not want to separate” are, of course, mistaken, because in fact this means “I believe that the child is not ready to separate from me, that he is still small and helpless.” And in fact, this often means “I am too weak and helpless to be alone.” The mother feels so good and warm with the child that she does not want to let him go. Adults say “I can’t sleep without him, I need him so much, he feels so good.”

Mom wants to extend this wonderful time when the baby is small and sweet.
And this is strange to me, because the main task of parents is to adapt the child to the world, to reality, to take care of his growing up. Growing up does not need to be forced or made traumatic, but separation (not in the sense of “separating”, but in the sense of moving away to the required distance) is an irreversible and inevitable process, resisting it means harming the child and the development of his personality. Protecting a child from age-appropriate frustration is harmful to him.

Why do parents delay separation? For reasons not related to children. Mom (less often dad) may want to “stay small” herself, need closeness and warmth, which she herself did not receive in childhood. She can justify the impossibility of any life changes by the child’s helplessness and his dependence on her. For example, “I would go to work, but he is still so small, he even sleeps with me” - in fact, the woman herself does not want to go “out into the big world”, she is comfortable and warm in this merger, she wants to extend this period. A mother can support herself by sleeping together if she has various kinds of difficulties with her husband. And, of course, a child in bed is a great way to avoid sexual intimacy if you don’t want it, but there is no way to directly refuse, because this will make family problems visible and obvious, and they will have to be solved.

And then sleeping together with a child is an attack on his boundaries, because he, perhaps, also already needs his own space, his own bed, that his dreams were his dreams, and not the dreams of his parents. But instead they convince him that he is small, helpless and cannot cope. This, in turn, can cause anxiety in the child: the real him, “separate”, independent, is not needed by his parents. But we need a small helpless baby, and he needs constant care. Of course, more than anything else, a child is afraid of his parent’s rejection; he cannot survive without a parent, so he “breaks off” the part of himself that requires independence - and either ceases to feel the need to be independent and gets used to merging, asking for help and support for any reason, or “tolerates” mother’s closeness, including in bed, and gets used to tolerating violation of her boundaries throughout life.

A separate question concerns the so-called “Oedipus complex” and the “Electra complex”.

Illiterate people understand the Oedipus complex as “a child sexually desires his mother, but is prohibited from doing so by his father, so he has a desire to kill his father” - it sounds quite crazy when you realize that we are talking about a five-year-old child. In fact, without delving into the psychoanalytic jungle, we are just talking about the fact that 5 years is the age when a child clearly understands his gender and tries to behave accordingly with a parent of the opposite sex. Of course, there is no trace of any sexual attraction in the understanding of an adult, but there is a desire of a little girl to be a girl, and a boy to be a boy. And therefore, it is especially important for the mother to notice masculinity, “boyishness” in her son, and for the girl’s father to let her know that she is “his princess.” But these feelings should not be mixed with the parents’ sexual attractions and role reversals in the sense of a violation of the HIERARCHY, which can be affected by co-sleeping. Because dad should sleep with mom - because her husband is dad, and he is the main man in her life. The same goes for girls. If a son sleeps with his mother, and his father is “in the corner on the rug,” then there is a risk of giving the child the impression that he is the one in charge, and the father was just passing by. This is a violation of the hierarchy, which has a very bad effect on both the child’s psyche and family relationships, and creates a lot of anxiety in children about violations of family roles. In this sense, it is a very bad situation when a growing boy sleeps with his mother, but she is lonely and does not try to create a full-fledged relationship with a man.

Finally, in general (although for some reason it is not customary to write about this), for a healthy sexually active person, the presence of a growing child in his bed can cause the most natural sexual arousal, for this you do not need to be a pedophile. Therefore, from the age when the risk of incest arises (from five years and older), there should be a physical distance between children and parents that is comfortable for both parties. And of course, there is always a risk that the child will wake up and see an “Oedipal scene,” and the easiest way to avoid this is to move him to a separate room or at least a bed.
And of course, the absolute taboo on sleeping together is adolescence, when real, not “Oedipal” sexuality is being formed.

And I’ll write quite subjectively: I personally am surprised when adults write “we can have sex anywhere, our bed is for sleeping, not for sex.” To me, this is about the same as “we can defecate anywhere” or “we don’t have to eat at the table.” You can sometimes eat in the living room, but it is natural to dine in the kitchen. You can relieve yourself in the bathroom or in the chamber pot, but in general there is a toilet for that. And it is not clear why adults should give up to children a place intended for the realization of marital sexuality. (but this may be purely my subjective opinion).

For those who have read this far and are outraged that everything is fine with him, although he sleeps with a child over three years old, I will write the following.

Of course, sleeping together as a family may not mean anything special, but simply reflect the modern cultural situation of a “progressive” family, which is characterized by child-centrism. There is some understanding among parents of the norm, that “good parents sleep with their children until they themselves want to separate.” And then it is important for the parent to comply with this idea, to play the social role of a “good parent”, otherwise he will feel guilt and shame.

There is also a catch here, because what a good parent is, everyone decides for themselves. I can say that for me a good parent is one who satisfies his needs, feels them well and can teach the child to do the same. And also a good parent is one whose role is not limited to just parenting, because otherwise the child will not receive an example of how to live in society, how to be part of this society, and not just a mom or dad. And as a person with my own needs and boundaries, I need not only affection, but also my personal space. My bed is part of this space, so as soon as I think the child is ready, I unobtrusively invite him to gradually separate. How to do this is written below.

Finally, of course, all children and parents are so different that even the above may be quite useless in specific situations. I know for sure a case where a 12-year-old boy slept in the same bed with his grandfather - and this was useful because the child had a history of serious attachment injuries, he developed longer than other children, and compensated for what was lost earlier, including and through co-sleeping. The same applies to special types of anxious, sensitive children who do not tolerate nighttime separation from their parents. But even in this case, you can not blindly give in to the child’s need to sleep with you, but study his internal structure and increase his resistance to frustration.

Finally, the last thing that cannot be ignored here is the cultural characteristics and financial situation of a particular family. Naturally, in a small one-room apartment, mom will sleep with the children on the most comfortable bed, and dad will be sent to sleep in the kitchen - perhaps this will be more rational than occupying half the room with a children's bed. Naturally, in the “fusion” cultures of gypsies, indigenous peoples of the North or African tribes, no one will worry about the child sleeping too close to the mother. In Western countries, issues of personal space are more acute than in Eastern countries, and the value of individualism is expressed more than that of cohesion and “unity.” Therefore, it matters in what environment clients live, especially since I now work via Skype with mothers from different countries. In this sense, the more a mother's choices differ from those of her environment, the more important it is to consider it as a phenomenon of her parenting.

How to gently move a child into your bed?

It is best to ask yourself the question of whether the child is ready to move to a separate bed. Are you ready for him to move out? Many parents are more worried about this process and more afraid of loneliness than the children themselves.

In fact, everything is quite simple - no need to make sudden movements. There is a big difference between putting your baby in a side crib twenty centimeters away from you and immediately moving him out into another room. The general principle is “one step forward, two steps back.” Throw a test ball - and watch the reaction, keep your finger on the pulse. There is no need to accompany your son or daughter to another room, as if on their last journey. You can frame this event as a holiday, say that the baby will now have his own bed (many children are happy about this), describe it and buy a really beautiful crib. At the same time, you need to understand that the child will most likely come to you in the morning - and there is nothing wrong with that. If you find that the child really suffers from separation, cries a lot, plays little, cannot calm down and actively asks to be returned, psychosomatic symptoms begin - most likely, his time has not come yet. Then the issue of resettlement can be postponed for some time, but actively tell the child “soon you will be four years old, and you will have your own crib, and you will sleep in it alone.”

Like any change, resettlement should not be practiced during periods of illness, crisis, poor health and mood of the child.

What conclusion follows from all this?

1. Co-sleeping is a choice of a particular family; in itself it is neither a pathology nor a sign of “outstanding” parenting.
2. Before one and a half years, co-sleeping is rather a blessing, after four years it is rather an evil, but this is a phenomenon of parent-child contact, and not a symptom of some pathology.
3. Parents who practice long-term co-sleeping (after 4-5 years) are most likely in fusion with their children and delay their separation, but this thesis is not absolute.

“How to end co-sleeping? We don't get enough sleep because the baby sleeps with us. I wonder how other parents managed to move their child into their own crib?” - this question sooner or later arises before every married couple who has allowed a newborn into their bed. The “Littlewana” mothers spoke about their successful and not so successful experiences, and psychologist Irina Mlodik commented on their stories.

“A sleeping child is a good opportunity to avoid any assault and initiate sexual contact”

Bratislava: “A child who has moved into his own bed regularly returns to us. And I remember how I ran to sleep “under the wing” of my parents until the end primary school. And when my sister was born, a new wave of defections began for me. By the way, she is now 17 years old, and she still comes to her mother to lie down and cuddle. And I understand that the example of parents lays down the attitude towards the end of co-sleeping. In our family it never ends, for example, and everyone loves it!”

Alexandra: “My daughter is almost six. She sleeps with me and I don't consider it a failure. My husband and I are so comfortable and happy. She is warm and smells sweet. And in general, I’m waiting with horror that Masha will kick me out. She suddenly said, “I’ll sleep alone, go to dad,” and I was upset. And in a year I’ll be 40. And I still love, whenever possible, to crawl under my mother’s side. And sleep, yes.”

Katya: “When I’m upset that I suffered another defeat in completing co-sleeping with my children, I calm myself down by the fact that I slept with my parents almost before I got married. When I was 10 years old, I read about aliens, and there was no talk of sleeping in a separate bed.”

Irina Mlodik: “These three stories are, of course, amazing. Physically, sleeping with children must be nice. They are “warm and smell sweet,” but psychologically this is very wrong. It is believed that the parental bed is primarily a marital bed, a place where adults have sex at night. In addition, the parent's bedroom is always open to the child - there is a risk of witnessing sexual scenes. Of course, in the case when there are difficulties in a couple, a sleeping child is a good opportunity to avoid any attacks and develop sexual contact. It is important to understand that the experience and discovery of one’s own sexuality awakens in children quite early. The parent's body sleeping nearby can overstimulate the child, giving rise to erotic impulses in him, but at the same time with a taboo on incest, a suppressed feeling of shame and guilt for own desires. And then you won’t even notice, won’t track how, when and what impact sleeping together, such overstimulation, will have on his relationship with the body and his own sexuality.”

“It is important to support a child in the process of growing up”

Irina Mlodik: “This is a very real and even useful idea. It is important to support the child in the process of growing up. He can do it himself! He now has his own bed. Like your own house. A space that a child can arrange to his liking, put some favorite soft toys nearby, and arrange a hole, cave, or den there. A bunk bed is often a favorite among children. They want to be like their elders, as independent and able to cope.”

“Mom needs their bodies to sleep peacefully.”

Alina: “The sons were already sleeping separately. But after the divorce (they were 3 and 5 years old at that time), I returned to co-sleeping for about a year. I think that I needed him then even more than the children. A year later, when I no longer had this need, the children calmly went to their own beds.”

Irina Mlodik: “This is not an uncommon story when a mother sleeps with her children because she needs it, not them. Only more often than not, this is not as well-recognized an adult need as Alina’s. Mom can be understood, but there are serious doubts about the benefits of this event for children for the reasons listed above. A five-year-old child, especially a boy, already has a distinct attraction to his mother. Quite erotic in nature. How does he feel next to his mother? Yes it can be wonderful. Just what should he do next with the strongest contradiction that arises inside: when he wants, but there is something very wrong about it. In addition, especially after a divorce, a woman has a subconscious desire to replace her departed husband with someone. The risks of involving sons in emotional incest are already quite high in this case, and sleeping together only strengthens this. In addition, children may feel physically used. After all, their mother needs their bodies to sleep peacefully. I am very glad that Alina found the strength to move the children away. I hope that she managed to find a new partner, and then the children will just be children, with their own needs, wants and desires.”

“Our task is to help the child cope with night terrors, and not to strengthen his immaturity”

Irina: “My daughter moved into her own bed when I was pregnant with my son. She had just turned three years old. Since then, he sleeps only in his own bed, and even if in the evening, after cuddling with his parents, he feels that he is falling asleep with us, with the last of his strength he crawls into “his house.” My son will soon be 7. He explains his place in the marital bed very clearly: “Men go to sleep in their own bed when they turn 10!”

Olya: “It was impossible to teach my eldest son to sleep in his bed. We tried everything - but without much success. Until I went to school, I didn’t move into my own bed. But since birth, the youngest sleeps where you put him! And as soon as I decided that it was time to end sleeping with him, he had no questions at all, he agreed to sleep in his own bed.”

Olga: “My eldest son and I, when he was 3 years old, went and bought him a separate crib - he chose it himself! But at the same time, until he was 12 years old, he periodically asked me to lie down with him at night. And when I asked him at the age of 8, “Why?”, he said: “I need to get used to sleeping with a woman!” I explained that when the time comes, he will learn on his own, and I will just sit next to the bed and support him. That’s what we agreed on!”

Alice: “It wasn’t easy or quick, but we managed to finish co-sleeping with our son. At the age of 8, he agreed that he was an adult and it was time to sleep in his own bed. But until 14 he fell asleep only with a night light, admitting that he was frightened by the huge universe.”

Irina Mlodik: “These stories are about how children are sometimes afraid. Of course, night is a time of fears, and dealing with them alone can be difficult. Hiding in their parents' bed seems like a solution for children. Mom or dad as the “ultimate savior” will save you from everything. But in fact, our task is to help the child cope with night fears, and not to strengthen his immaturity and dependence. A good option If he comes to you at night, take him to his bedroom or bed, turn on the night light, hold his hand. As a last resort, you can lie down next to him on a blanket for a while. You can pick up or buy him a soft toy - a savior from nightmares. Children have a well-developed imagination; they themselves can choose the one who can save them. For example, this is a bear. It helps cope with night fears, and your child saves the bear from what he is afraid of. This way he feels strong and protected at the same time. It is important to teach children to cope on their own, especially if you are nearby. But in his space, in his bed.”

I want to divorce my husband, he does not agree. We have been married for a little over a year, there is joint child, 10 months. My husband reacts inappropriately to my words about divorce and threatens to take the child away. I am afraid of this because I am now on maternity leave and receive an allowance of 3,450 rubles. I officially work in kindergarten, salary 4500 rubles. Naturally, I am looking for a job with more serious income, and my parents will help me. And my husband earns much more than me, about 40 thousand, although not officially. But he can get a 2NDFL certificate, he has friends. I am afraid that the divorce court, acting primarily in , may give it to the father, because... he gets much more than me! Is this true jQuery15108964368901215494_1347353633963? We have the same living conditions; we each have our own apartment. Thank you.

Are the natural children of a deceased veteran the heirs provided by the state as a WWII veteran, despite the fact that the stepmother is the legal wife of the veteran. Can natural children be included in the inheritance if they do not live together with their stepmother?

I'm trying to divorce my husband. We haven't lived together for almost 3 years. We have 2 children, 13 and 14 years old. Youngest child- disabled person (autism). The reason for the divorce is his aggressive behavior. For 3 years it was not possible to agree peacefully on everything. At the moment he is constantly calling and threatening to come and knock down the door to take the children. He also recommended that my daughter and I not go outside anymore, because... this is very dangerous for us! He also involved his older daughters’ friends in intimidating them. Please advise how to speed up the divorce process and make sure that he cannot take the children by force until there is a court decision on the residence of the children.

After the divorce, the family business remained registered in the name of the ex, and we still run the business together (a store). The wife remarried, changed her last name and, accordingly, the documentation to a new last name. Is it possible to divide a business after five years after the divorce.

My husband and I have not lived together since July 30, 2010. Our daughter is 6 years old. When she was half a year old, I, because... The husband drank heavily. The court awarded us 25% per child and 1000 rubles. per month for me because I was on maternity leave. After 07/30/10, my husband filed a lawsuit regarding the fact that I have been receiving an extra 1000 rubles for 3 years. But then we lived together. And alimony went to the general budget. Now he wants the court to give an order that 36,000 rubles be withheld from me out of the 25% that goes towards the child. who overpaid me for 3 years. Although the money went to the general budget

Our family was completely attacked by gangsters. In broad daylight, on the most central street of the city. The father of the family was killed. The family was threatened. The children had to be taken away. Father is in hospitals. Terrible injuries. All because the father stood up for the man! We are not to blame for even one second of this whole nightmare! While I, the father of the family, was being collected piece by piece by doctors, bandits took possession of the house and things without trial. By car, private hotel! It's all in Kratz. The person I stood up for today works as a deputy! He turned out to be a figurehead for the bandits! To us, who will also be our friend and take on these difficult chores. After all, we don’t have access to our money yet! We will make our way onto television, our joint performance will serve you well too! As soon as we return everything that belongs to us, I thank you for your help and our home. Hotel. They will always be open for you! We know how to be friends! I know that my offer is not usual, but I am a very honest and responsible person and will be able to thank you! What do you say?

Being in an “interesting” position, I more than once thought about where the baby would sleep after birth: in his own crib or next to me, so to speak, on the marital bed. In books on child psychology, as well as in the accumulated personal experience of other mothers, I came across completely different opinions. Someone is an ardent opponent of a child sleeping together with his mother, someone considers sharing a dream the only acceptable and natural one, someone is trying to find a middle ground.

Thus, Dr. Evgeniy Komarovsky, an authoritative figure among parents, believes: “When and with whom to sleep is a personal matter for a particular woman. It is the woman who decides how it is more convenient and comfortable for her. With a child, with a husband, with a lover, with three of us - this is your personal matter, only “Everyone would get enough sleep and not experience discomfort.” At the same time, perinatal psychologists unequivocally state: “During close bodily contact, the development of brain cells is stimulated, the necessary neural connections are formed between them. In a sense, co-sleeping at night naturally continues the microclimate that contributes to the development of a variety of social, communication and emotional skills during the day ", since the child is calm and is under parental control and protection. The mother is the child’s habitat not only during the day, but also at night."

There have been no specific facts that co-sleeping between mother and child has a beneficial or negative effect on the baby’s future. No patterns were found in the behavior or life scenarios of children who slept separately from their mother from birth, just like those who slept with her in childhood. It would seem that since science cannot give clear answers about the benefits/harms of mother and child sleeping together, then practice will put everything in its place.

I Googled it. I read the stories different mothers. It turned out that real experience has many faces. Each woman chose the appropriate option for herself, focusing on her own ideas about the welfare of the child, as well as listening to other people’s advice and opinions, the most authoritative for her. Perhaps the chosen strategy for organizing a baby’s sleep will work. I also had to rely on my maternal instinct (I hoped that it would wake up) and solve problems as they came (although it is much better to prevent them from appearing at all).

A son was born. In the maternity hospital, he slept in a cradle next to my bed. At night, every two hours I went to bed to feed and change the little one. I didn’t feel tired, just euphoria. I became a mother! What could be more beautiful! After discharge, on the urgent advice of her mother-in-law, a fan of Dr. Spock, she put her son to bed in a separate crib. With a special mattress, beautiful children's bedding, and a musical carousel. I honestly held out for a month. I must say that I was the only one who got up to see the baby at night - my husband was tired at work and when his son grunted, he only sighed heavily and turned over to the other side. During the day I was left alone with the baby. I didn’t want to hire.

The turning point came when one night I felt incredible and could barely hold the baby in my arms. Mom needs it - I clearly realized. I tried to put my son next to me at night. She slept carefully, afraid of crushing her. I immediately felt the advantages of co-sleeping: I don’t have to get up to feed the baby, he “gets” his own food. It’s funny like this: he sniffs with his nose where the milk is, and then begins to suck greedily. At the same time, he doesn’t even open his eyes, which means there’s no need to rock him to sleep after feeding. There is no need to get up and listen to whether he is breathing or not breathing (sudden infant death syndrome is not a joke). It’s so great to feel your little dear heart beating. It’s so nice to feel a warm little bundle next to you.

That's how we grew up. But my doubts remained: did I do the right thing by taking my son into my bed? What if this later affects his development? What if he can't accept independent decisions, will grow up to be a “mama’s boy” in the worst sense of the word? Maybe we should have endured it and not paid attention to the fact that the baby was clearly uncomfortable in his crib?

Lack of knowledge is fertile ground for all kinds of fears and concerns. When we don't know something, we are afraid of it. It is so arranged in nature that a human baby is born completely unsuited to exist separately from its parents. He needs our help and support for a long time. The task of adults is to ensure not only the satisfaction of his natural needs - to eat, drink, breathe, sleep, but also to create comfortable conditions for his development.

First of all, the baby needs to feel safe. Its basis is the close connection between the child and the mother. It is the mother who is a kind of guarantor of reliability, a guide to the outside world for the little man. The mother provides the child with an internal sense of security.

If you look into the history of the development of human civilization, co-sleeping between a child and its mother was considered natural until the development of industrial society. Along with the change in landscape, the introduction of technical innovations in daily life Social priorities have also changed: from family, conservative to liberal, praising the freedom of the individual. Accordingly, our ideas about what is right and what is wrong to do when raising children have changed. At the same time, the child’s desire to feel safe remained unchanged. Feeling her mother nearby, her smell, her warmth, her heartbeat - what has been familiar for nine months prenatal period, - the child calms down.

Co-sleeping between mother and baby optimally creates a sense of security, which is so important for full development. However, in addition to the desire of the child, it is also necessary to take into account the emotional state of the mother, the husband’s attitude towards co-sleeping (for example, if the choice is between: taking the child into your bed or remaining a single mother).

So, the first step on the path to co-sleeping is to determine the mental properties and desires of both your own and the child. This allows you to understand whether co-sleeping is needed in a particular case or not. The second step is realizing a simple truth: sleeping with your mother is only useful for as long as it is needed. No more, no less. A mother should not tie her child too closely. Gradually, he should start his own corner and his own activities, and he can still sometimes come to his mother to sleep. Here it is important for the mother not to prevent the child from growing up mentally, not to interfere with and support his desire for independence.

Personal experience

Comment on the article "Co-sleeping with a child: whim or blessing"

We slept together for a long time, probably up to 1 year. As soon as I shift the sleeping man, he immediately wakes up. And then I couldn’t put him to bed, so we slept together, and my husband was on the other sofa. Then she finally decided to rebuild it, bathed it in the bath with the addition of herbal extracts, sleepy herbs zdravlandiya. The sleep became deeper, and I could shift him, he didn’t even wake up. The extracts contain only herbs, do not contain soap or dyes, and are suitable from birth.

22.07.2015 09:24:03,

But with us, things are different with sleep. I put my daughter to sleep in her crib, where she sleeps until midnight. Then she wakes up and I take her to my bed. We sleep together until the morning))).

02.07.2015 22:34:32,

Thank you very much for the article! This question has been bothering me for a long time. Exactly the same story. Only she took her son into her bed right in the maternity hospital. I sleep like the dead, and he was born immature - at 37 weeks - too small, didn’t cry at all, just groaned barely audibly. I was afraid not to hear him, so I took him to bed with me. This is how we sleep. Doesn't sleep in his crib. As soon as I put it down, he opens his eyes and begins - ahhhhh - he cries, there are already tears in his eyes. What to do? I took it with me. But I myself don’t get enough sleep and my back falls off (I know that it’s not right, that you shouldn’t sacrifice your health, but I feel sorry for him) And then everything you wrote is the absolute truth. I totally agree with you! They are so defenseless - our little babies, and only we, mothers, can protect them!

15.03.2014 18:44:28,

Total 4 messages .

Exchange of apartment.

We live in a 3-room apartment, my husband and his mother and she is the guardian of her incompetent mother, she keeps her in the hospital for money, me and 3 children (one of our joint children is 3 years old and 2 of mine from a previous marriage are 9 years old, he did not adopt them ).The apartment is owned by my husband 1/4 share, his mother, my mother-in-law also has 1/4 of her mother and my mother-in-law's deceased father, also 1/4 for all four of us, 1/4 each, only my grandfather died, and I and the children just registered. And the mother-in-law wants to exchange the apartment, and kicks us out for 1/4 of the share. What do we have the right to?

Diana, Tver

Hello. An apartment can only be exchanged with the consent of all co-owners. So, if your husband does not agree to the exchange, then there will be no exchange.

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APARTMENT SECTION.

My husband and I are divorced. Since he is a military man, he should have been given a living space upon his dismissal. At one time he received an apartment for his first family, then he got divorced and after some time we separated. Now, they don’t give him an apartment, so how the apartment at one time was not for this family. We have lived together since 1991. We have a child together. Does he have the right to discharge us without our knowledge, and do we have the right to an apartment?

Alexander, Penza

Where does your ex-husband live now - in what apartment, what is its status?
Your ex-husband has already been provided with housing from the Ministry of Defense. He has no more rights to housing from the Moscow Region unless he is recognized as in need of improved living conditions. So write it down in more detail.

Apartment and children from first marriage

I am the second wife. My husband from his first marriage has an adult son who lives separately. My husband and I have a child together (14 years old). When we bought an apartment, we registered it in my husband’s name. Three people are registered in the apartment: husband, daughter and me. I am interested in whether my son has any rights to the apartment, how to re-register the apartment in my name at the lowest cost, and whether my son will have the right to the apartment after it is re-registered in my name?

Andrey, Moscow

Draw up a deed of gift for the entire apartment, then your son will have no rights to the apartment.
Happy holiday, good luck in everything, O.Ukraintsev

Former relatives demand payment of utility bills...

Hello! Please tell me, can I not pay for utilities at my place of registration if: - my husband and I are divorced; - an apartment where we lived together, owned in equal shares by his mother, stepfather, his and our joint child. I was simply registered after registering my marriage and privatizing the apartment; - at the moment, my child and I are living in my parents’ apartment, because... the owner (my ex-husband) and his parents tortured me with threats; - the above mentioned people demand that I pay for utilities for myself and the child; - the child’s father pays alimony. Thank you in advance, Tatyana M.

Arseny, Kaliningrad

The responsibility to pay for utilities lies with the owner. You are not obligated to pay, I suggest you check out of that apartment.

Apartment

Hello, my husband and I are divorced and have a child together, but we still live in the same apartment, the apartment was purchased during marriage, the young family loan is issued to me, my husband is a co-borrower, but he doesn’t pay the loan and has no plans to leave the apartment, I heard if I I’ll file for division of property, they’ll set us shares in the apartment and that’s it, and still he won’t go anywhere, what can be done in this situation to win an apartment for himself?

Alena, Moscow

Hello, Oksana
No, unfortunately, no
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If necessary, we will quickly and efficiently prepare Required documents to resolve your issues with the possibility of full legal support for your business.
Law company "Ava-Kado Business Group"

Eviction of unregistered people from an apartment

Hello) Please help me with advice. I have an apartment. Bought during marriage, in a notarial agreement in 1995 there are four shares of 1/4 each (shared ownership is not joint), the shares are equally divided between me and three children. The husband has no share under the agreement. Six months ago, my husband and I divorced. I moved into my parents' apartment. Of the children, one daughter is registered in that apartment (my husband is her stepfather). Two joint children with shares live and are registered in other cities. Today my ex lived alone in the apartment, and a week ago, without our knowledge, he moved his girlfriend into the apartment with her minor child and a Laika dog. As a result, we now cannot even enter the apartment without ex-husband, the dog growls. What measures can be taken to legally evict settled people and animals?

Alexandra, Khabarovsk

You need to draw up a statement of claim, submit it to the court of jurisdiction, and attach supporting documents

How to restore ownership of an apartment

Hello! Please tell me how to restore ownership of an apartment outside or whether the actions of my ex-wife, who decided to sell our joint apartment, are legal, while asking me to write a power of attorney for real estate transactions. We certified the power of attorney to the natary, she wrote me a receipt where she promised to return my share from the sale of the apartment. Subsequently, my wife did not sell the apartment, but transferred it to our joint child, without my consent, I checked out of the apartment. Please tell me if I can challenge the legality of the operation, register back or restore the right to property? Thank you in advance.

Alexey, Moscow

You can go to court to declare the transaction void, because were misled ex-wife. The receipt she wrote will also come in handy there. You can claim your marital share in this apartment in monetary terms.
Best regards, Irina Lifanova.

Good day, dear lawyer! My name is Alena and I need your advice on the following issue. I want to file for divorce. My husband drinks heavily and can’t stand it anymore. We have two children together, one is fully 18, and the other is 16 years old. Both are students, the older one graduated from the first year of university, and the younger one just entered after graduating from school. Along with the statement of claim for divorce, I want to file an application for alimony. Will alimony be collected in favor of both children or only for the youngest son, because... Is the eldest already an adult?

Ksenia, Moscow

Alena Dmitrievna, only for one (Article 80, 120 Part 2 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation)

Housing problem

Hello. Please answer the question. I am not divorced from my husband, but we have been living separately for 5 years. We have two children together, a 16-year-old son and a 30-year-old daughter. Children are registered at the husband's place of residence from birth. His apartment is privatized in equal shares for three: husband, son and daughter. Last week, my husband issued general powers of attorney (from the children) to sell the apartment. He takes out a mortgage to buy a new home. What rights will my children have to the newly acquired housing and do they have the right not to register them at their new place of residence?

Anna, St. Petersburg

He is not obliged to register his daughter, that is, she may lose her apartment. For the son, since he is a minor, the father is obliged to provide housing (share). In fact, to sell an apartment in which a minor is registered, you need the consent of the guardianship authorities, who will be looking to see whether the father will provide his son with a place of residence.

Question on the topic: “Housing law”

Hello, dear lawyer! We live with my common-law husband (I have nothing to do with their housing), we have a joint child of 11 months, registered in his living space, a child, 2 brothers, and their mother are registered in the apartment, the mother is the tenant. My husband wants to exchange (their 3 for 2 with additional payment) in order to buy us an apartment. The apartment is not privatized, the mother does not agree to any actions, can we somehow separate? This is very important, because... life together with her is becoming terrible! Help, PLEASE

Margarita, St. Petersburg

Only in court, but in practice it is very difficult to implement. Non-privatized housing can only be exchanged for privatized housing. That's all. And when going to court, you must provide suitable options. So good luck to you. Maybe it makes sense to privatize and then leave?

Housing issue

Can we expel our daughter-in-law from the apartment if my brother has not lived with her for more than 13 years, and they have lived for about 3 years. Our apartment is not privatized, and the tenant is my mother. They did not really live in the apartment and do not live. For utilities she never paid. She has a 16-year-old child together. She has nowhere to register in Astrakhan, although she has lived in Astrakhan for many years.

Ivan, St. Petersburg

It’s possible that if she left voluntarily, took her things, there were no obstacles to her stay.

Can I live in my husband's apartment for the rest of my life?

I have been married for 23 years, registered with my husband, he has a 1-room apartment. There are no children together. He has two daughters, they can claim whether they can evict me....then, my husband is very sick, unfortunately, and I am afraid to stay on the street, or they will move someone in. Does the law now work under a lifelong residence agreement, or not, what is the best thing to do so as not to offend your husband, please help, or deeds of gift, but I wouldn’t want to? Thank you in advance! I know that 1/3 is mine, but the rest can be demanded from me through the court, I am also not allowed to travel abroad, I have nowhere to go, or rather crawl?

Valeria, Moscow

And yet you need to talk to your husband so that he registers the apartment in your name under a gift deed

Housing problem

Please tell me, we are going to buy an apartment by investing maternity capital. What is the best way to go about preparing the documents when buying a new apartment, so that the husband’s child from his first marriage does not claim a share in the apartment in the event of his death (his child lives with his ex-wife)? We have a marriage registered, two children together and one of my children (not adopted) Can I draw up a marriage contract? Thanks in advance

Ulyana, Moscow

When purchasing an apartment using maternity capital, housing must be registered in the name of all family members. therefore, you will not be able to decorate the apartment otherwise. If you want the share not to go to other persons, then your husband can write a will for someone or donate his share, but you need to wait at least a year for donation. otherwise Pension Fund will subject you to criminal liability

Heritage apartment

There is an apartment in a cooperative building. Of the documents for the apartment, only the registration certificate of the BTI, which states that *the residential building at the address street == building 5, apt. , based on the decision of the executive committee*. Husband and Wife live and are registered in the apartment. The apartment was purchased after marriage. The Husband has HIS son. The Wife has HER two daughters. There are no children together. What right do the Wife’s daughters have to this apartment after the Wife’s death?

Anna, Moscow

They are heirs to 1/2 of the apartment.
Best regards, Natalia.

Hello! My husband and I have lived together for 9 years, we have a child together, he is 8 years old. I want to file for divorce with division of property. We purchased together during marriage: a car, a boat and a dacha, everything is registered in his name. The husband threatens that he will resell everything or transfer it to his friends. Can he do this without my consent?

Artem, St. Petersburg

The dacha as real estate can be alienated only with your notarized consent (clause 3 of article 35 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation). The car and boat can be alienated by them without such consent; in this case, it is assumed that the spouse making the transaction acts with the consent of the other spouse (Clause 2 of Article 35 of the RF IC). Therefore, when filing a claim for the division of jointly acquired property, attach to the statement of claim a petition for the seizure of this property in order to secure the claim.
Sincerely, A.D. Ruslin.

Hello. I got divorced in January 2009 and to this day I regularly pay alimony. The ex-wife remarried in March 2009 and continues to live in a new marriage. Is it possible to terminate my alimony obligations in accordance with the Family Code of the Russian Federation, Article 120, which states that the payment of alimony stops when a needy, disabled ex-spouse (recipient of alimony) enters a new marriage.

Elizaveta, St. Petersburg

Alexander, hello! If you mean that you pay alimony to your ex-wife as a needy disabled person, then you need to go to court and prove your lack of need ex-wife in alimony, then you will be “relieved” of the obligation to pay her alimony. If you pay child support for joint children, you will pay it until the children reach adulthood.