Get rid of the "good girl" complex. How to get rid of the “good girl” syndrome It’s scary to be a bad girl psychology

How to go from good to real, or Cinderella's Growing Up

What does it mean to be real?

In dictionaries, the word “real” is explained as “genuine”, “genuine”, “true”, but these synonyms are even more confusing. What does it mean to be your authentic self? Who am I? And what am I?

These questions are stumbling blocks on the path to yourself: without knowing the answer, it is very difficult to choose a direction.

We know how to be “good” or “correct” (they explain this to us from childhood). How to be “bad” is also more or less clear.

Moreover, “to be good” and “not to be bad” are the same instructions that a child hears virtually from the first days of his existence, long before he is able to understand the meaning of these words.

Usually these concepts come down to a certain set of rules of behavior that suit or do not suit parents/educators/society. If a child breaks a new toy, throws cereal all over the kitchen, or shows other “bad manners,” this makes him “bad.” If he eats well and falls asleep on time, smiles, asks to go to the toilet and does not bother his parents too much, then he is, of course, “good.” Gradually, the system of concepts of “good” and “bad” is expanding. But, as a rule, she still works to make the child comfortable for the family and others.

On the one hand, this is a natural and normal process, since this is how a person socializes, gets used to the norms of the society in which he lives. On the other hand, rigid subordination to the system of external “good” and “bad” often kills the child’s ability to find his own path, which may not fit into the given coordinate system at all. The child begins to “sculpt” his own personality in such a way as to be as pleasant as possible for those around him, on whom his well-being depends. At the same time, significant figures in his environment may change over time, but the habit of adjusting oneself to the external parameters of “correctness” remains. And so a person lives year after year, without turning or very rarely turning to his true Self.

What can dependency on external criteria of “good” and “bad” lead to? For example, to rejection of oneself, dislike of oneself (how can you even love someone you don’t know?).

The baby does not have a critical view of himself from the outside. For him there are no concepts of “ugly”, “disgusting”, “ill-mannered”. All this comes from the outside: from parents, relatives, teachers, neighbors in the stairwell, etc. Just as in the fairy tale about the Ugly Duckling, the duckling learned about its “ugliness” from other inhabitants of the poultry yard.

A child, faced with harsh criticism, ridicule, neglect or rejection (for example, as a punishment for “bad” behavior), gradually becomes imbued with the same beliefs that the hero of the mentioned fairy tale had. He begins to believe that he is not smart/handsome/mannered enough, in other words, not good enough to be loved.

Moreover, having matured, we can look in the eyes of others like beautiful swans - well-groomed, successful and strong birds. But inside... Inside there still lives a small, frightened and insecure child with painful fears and complexes. A kid who didn’t have enough parental love and support to believe in himself. A child who is still wildly afraid of being rejected, not accepted, who is embarrassed by his plumage and gait and does not know how to communicate with other “birds” and what they say can be trusted.

Conviction of one's own imperfection, uncertainty, suspiciousness, powerlessness in the face of criticism, lack of a sense of one's own boundaries, fear of the future, inability to fully take care of oneself, a tendency to depression, workaholism, inability to be happy, pessimism under the guise of realism, health problems, difficulties with expression of emotions, low resistance to stress, regular fatigue, unfulfilled desires and impossible dreams - all this is a set of problems characteristic of those who have not parted with their inner “ugly duckling” or have not outgrown the Cinderella apron.

We were not taught to look for ourselves, so in our search we often go in the wrong direction. People who rebel against the norms, rules of conduct, morals and values instilled in them since childhood do not always gain freedom in this struggle. Often they remain dependent on previous attitudes, but now this subordination has a different sign - not a plus, but a minus. Instead of being “good” they become “bad”.

But being “bad” does not mean being yourself. This can often be observed in the behavior of teenagers: act out of spite, do what their parents forbid, and enjoy their “badness.” Typically, the pleasure of breaking rules for the sake of breaking rules doesn't last very long. And sooner or later the need for self-identification, self-recognition, and self-realization makes itself felt.

By rejecting the parental script of behavior, a person in many cases sets into motion a counter-script. Like, if my father was a playboy, I will be an exemplary family man with strict rules. And everything would be fine, but at some point a person becomes depressed or realizes that he does not receive any joy from life, although everything seems to have turned out as planned.

And the problem is that he lives, albeit a beautiful life in the eyes of others, but not his own life. Often such people suffer from Cinderella syndrome: their actions, motives, goals are in one way or another dictated, imposed or provoked by the will of other people. When a person does not know himself, he has no choice but to “live for others.”

What am I? Who am I?

The answers to these questions will be different at different ages and in different states of mind. They cannot be given once for a lifetime. Moreover, identity to one’s Self is not a constant, but a variable. This is a constant process - searching for oneself and striving for oneself, finding the real one again and again in all unfamiliar situations.

But in any case, being real means recognizing the right to the existence of your feelings, emotions and states. Everyone, not just those marked as “correct”.

Being authentic means making your own choices, even if others don’t like them. This means having the courage to find your own path, and not move along inertia. This means recognizing your right to love and respect, regardless of the number of A's in your diary. This means taking off Cinderella’s apron and seeking the opportunity to go to the ball without waiting for the fairy’s help (the likelihood of her appearing in real life is still much lower than in a fairy tale).

Some will want to argue with me, citing the fact that it is the awareness of one’s imperfections that is the incentive for growth and development. Like, accepting yourself as you are leads to egocentrism, narcissism, limitations, etc.

However, in fact, such an opinion is a trap based on the substitution of concepts: narcissism is passed off as love, and idealization is passed off as acceptance, which is easy to imagine using the example of the relationship between a parent and a child. You can soberly see both the shortcomings and advantages of the baby, but at the same time love and accept him. And love will help in choosing the most effective path of development, adjusting behavior, and not suppressing and “building up”. If the parent does not love the child, then, as a rule, the only way The education he chooses is punishment and fear. And the consequence of this technique will always be injury.

It’s exactly the same with yourself. Only by accepting yourself, treating yourself with love and respect, can you truly work on your development. In other cases, attempts at self-education turn into either outbursts of auto-aggression or an endless war with oneself.

Almost every woman has a “good girl” in her, trying to be comfortable and problem-free for everyone, which is why we suffer from migraines and depression more often than men. “Good girls go to heaven, and bad girls go wherever they want” - the title of the book by psychologist Ute Erhard has become the slogan of those who want freedom and happiness.

Following the German problem, domestic psychologists also became interested. On the Internet you can easily find a number of manuals and trainings on how to get rid of the “good girl” complex, how to stop constantly trying to live up to someone’s expectations, to play a role rather than live.

Where does someone else's mask come from?

Obviously, we ourselves do not figure out how to reliably limit ourselves from freedom of expression, career success, popularity and happiness. Even in childhood, we are directed onto the dubious path of sacrifice by our parents, relatives, educators and teachers. Sometimes they sincerely want the best for us, trying to instill in us the rules of a “future wife and mother” and talking about obedience, the need to give in, the ability to understand and respect for elders. Sometimes, without realizing it, they simply transmit the same beliefs they have received - “you need to drink milk, it’s healthy”, “well-mannered children give way to the elderly”, “you can’t argue with the teacher, she knows better.” But in most cases, adults simply try to ensure that children do not disturb them and are “comfortable.”

And behavior that does not cause trouble does not imply either discussion, independent decision-making, or tastes that do not correspond to the “model.” Boys are allowed more, fearing that they will not grow up strong and courageous if they walk to the line and obey unquestioningly. The girls were less fortunate. Over the years, girls become more and more accustomed to doing as they were once told, constantly seeking the approval of others, not standing out, depending on their parents, and then on their husband.

The ideal employee who is constantly getting more work but no salary increase. The ideal colleague, whom everyone exploits and no one respects. The perfect niece who always stops what she's doing and helps her aunt. An ideal daughter who chooses an institute, gets married, gives birth and raises children in accordance with the opinion of her mother. An ideal interlocutor whom no one listens to, but everyone uses as a “vest”. An ideal wife who consoles herself with the fact that she is the “neck” of her “husband’s head” and tolerates any form of domestic violence. An ideal acquaintance, polite, smiling and reliable. The perfect victim who is actually...

What kind of good girl is she really?

First of all, a good girl does not allow herself to grow up. From time to time she herself feels a discrepancy between the role she is forced to play and her true desires. A good girl is unlucky - she becomes the prey of scammers, she is ridden by lazy people and deceivers, she is often rude, she is cheated in stores and poorly served wherever possible - this is provoked by the appropriate people with an ingratiating look and corresponding behavior.

A good girl tries to please everyone and take care of everyone, and she is willingly exploited, but no one appreciates her and no one is interested in her, she is not the life of the party in life and not a valuable asset at work. Over the years, a good girl ceases to believe that she can be liked, to believe in own strength, take independent steps. And at the same time, a good girl sincerely hopes for gratitude. That her victims will be noticed and appreciated, that she will receive reciprocal love, friendship and respect. After all, she was always praised precisely for her submissive silence and they talked about Cinderella, rewarded for her patience and sacrifice.

The real “reward” for diligently suppressing emotions that are considered “bad” will be chronic fatigue, insomnia, migraines and depression. This is how true, completely normal feelings “break through”, and also through hysterics, attacks of anger over trifles, nervous breakdowns, nightmares and phobias.

Stop playing this role!

If the problem of a “good girl” is familiar to you firsthand, it’s time to grow up, stop being comfortable and become happy. Re-read the fairy tale about Cinderella. Did she find success and happiness while she was modest and unnoticed, sacrificed herself, worked hard and received reproaches instead of gratitude? No. Her new life began with a bold step, with running away from home, with appearing in society, with a beautiful dress and flirting. Of course, Cinderella changed with the help of the Fairy - but you are smarter and more educated than the heroine of the fairy tale and can become your own Fairy.

What threatens independent and free woman who doesn’t turn her life into adjusting to those around her? It's OK! If someone considers them “bad,” then they don’t pay attention because they are happy and loved. And no one dies from their reasonable selfishness, and the world around does not collapse because they allow themselves to be real.

Say NO

The most difficult and most necessary thing that a former “good girl” will have to learn is to refuse people: firmly, but without offending.

Psychologist Varvara Popova says:“In order for your “no” to sound confident and unambiguous, believe in your refusal. You should not feel guilty about your right not to fulfill the wishes of another. If you have time, but the person asking does not, you are not obligated to help him: his inability to calculate time and energy is not your problem. If they try to manipulate you and pressure you for pity, complain back, but is everything perfect with you?

Give your interlocutor a compliment: “This is a wonderful option, but I won’t be able to implement it,” “This is a great thought/idea, but...”, “You have such a sensitive feeling, I think you understand perfectly...”. Refuse laconically, briefly stating the reason, but without going into details or making excuses. If a person insists because he is used to you always agreeing to fulfill a request, do not hesitate to repeat the refusal: “I understand you, but I can’t because...”. You can repeat it three times so that the interlocutor understands that you really refuse his offer/request.

And it doesn’t matter what exactly you are afraid of, anger, resentment, revenge, or something else, it is important that fear does not force you to once again step on the throat of your desires and needs. Don’t try to suppress fear, choose the path “I’m afraid, but I do it.” Admit to yourself: “Yes, I’m afraid” - and say “NO!”

This will be the first step on the path from a “good girl” to a happy woman.”

Sometimes we do everything for others. We spend so much effort, we give our all. And in response? No thanks! Is it really that hard to just say “thank you”?

Perhaps it’s not worth doing good deeds for people, because they would never do something like that to me? Tired of it. It's time to become the same. As they are to me, so am I to them.

Every time we come to this conclusion. We have already read a large amount of literature where they teach how to say “no”. But as soon as someone once again asks us for something, we undertake to fulfill his request, completely forgetting all the advice we have learned by heart. It is better to agree than to later experience a heavy feeling of guilt and suffer from the fact that you are not loved.

You do something for a person, and for a moment it becomes easier. And then a feeling of resentment and injustice arises, and an understanding comes that the action taken was contrary to our own interests. We were once again taken advantage of and forgotten.

It seems like it has always been like this, since childhood. Everyone is just waiting to use our kindness and dependability for their own purposes. It's time to stop this. It's time to learn to refuse! But how to do that? How to become bad?

Who is a good girl?

Before answering these questions, we need to understand why this happens? Why are some people unable to refuse any request and try their best to please others?

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan calls this behavior complex good girl. As this psychic science explains, this complex is inherent in owners of the anal-visual ligament of vectors.

A vector is a set of innate properties and desires of a person, responsible for his preferences, way of thinking, value system and behavior. Modern man has on average three to five vectors. Some of them create stable connections that manifest themselves in certain life scenarios.

There are people whom nature has awarded with phenomenal memory. They are necessary for humanity to accumulate acquired experience and knowledge and transfer them to future generations. They become good educators and teachers, professionals in their field, experts. We are talking about people with an anal vector.

These are responsible, decent people who want to be good in everything. And people with anal-visual ligament vectors especially. In childhood, these are the most obedient, “golden” children.

Firstly, for children with a visual vector, like no other, emotional connections with their mother are important, so they are ready to do anything to ensure that these connections are not interrupted. These are very emotional children who can hardly tolerate their mother’s coldness or ignorance.

Secondly, the value of the anal vector is a positive assessment of actions, praise, especially from the mother, because the mother is no less valuable to them. Therefore, they make every effort to please their mother and receive well-deserved praise.

But sometimes adults abuse praise, praise undeservedly, or, conversely, do not praise deservedly, taking advantage of the child’s desire to be good in everything. By resorting to manipulation of praise, parents develop an endorphin dependence on it in their child. Even as an adult, such a person will strive to please others in everything.

We are all different

System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan says that for a person with the anal vector it is important that everything is equal and fair. If he did something, made an effort, then these efforts should be appreciated.

We look at other people through ourselves, we believe that what is valuable and important to us is also important to other people. For example, we value praise and gratitude, and we believe that this is true for everyone. But for others it may be very different.

For example, people with the skin vector are not used to saying “thank you,” because they act from a position of benefit. The best gratitude for them is expressed by something material. And people with a sound vector in severe conditions may not hear us at all, and may not pay any attention to those around them.

When people don't behave the way we expect, we get offended by them. We don’t understand how one can not thank or praise someone for a good deed. Grievances They don’t let us live in peace.

But at the same time, when it seems to us that we are doing too much for people, that it is time to stop, and we are refusing something, a heavy feeling of guilt flares up in us. Even when we do something not good enough for others, we feel uncomfortable. Life turns out to be in constant distortions: first we are offended that we are taken advantage of, then we suffer from guilt that we did not do something. This causes great discomfort and ruins life.

In the visual vector, the reason for the desire to please everyone can also be the increased significance of emotional connections. People with anal-visual ligament vectors may feel that if they are not kind and nice to everyone, they will not be loved, which is a great stress for them.

How to find a way out of the situation

We cannot change ourselves or others. What to do? How to live with this? Becoming bad is not a solution. After all, this will not solve the problem, but will only worsen our condition.

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan shows the way out. First of all, you need to understand yourself, your desires and aspirations. Having realized where the need for other people's approval came from, we begin to understand what motivates us in such moments. And we, not needing praise, do not strive to please everyone. We also begin to love ourselves, rather than looking for everyone’s love and approval for ourselves.

At the training on system-vector psychology Yuri Burlan, childhood traumas are worked through, the mechanisms of our behavior become clear, the good girl complex goes away. This is evidenced by reviews from people who have completed the training.

Individual consultation. There is a beauty sitting in front of me, without exaggeration. During the conversation, it turns out that she is also smart and a professional at work. What do I see? This beautiful girl is deeply unhappy, terribly dissatisfied with herself and completely disoriented. Excerpt from the dialogue:

- “I don’t understand, what else should I do to make him happy?”
- “Why is it so important for you that he is happy?” — I ask.
- “You don’t understand, I want to feel good! After all, they love good people!” — the girl says with tears.

This phrase “I want to be good!” I hear it often, but to the question: “What does being good mean to you?” I have never received a clear answer yet. More often my clients answer like this: “So that he (she, they) is happy.”

This is a story about the “good girl” syndrome. Although, honestly, I will say that the “good boy” syndrome is also common.

Let's figure out what a “good girl” is?

“Good girl” - what is that?

In childhood, this girl’s feelings and desires were not particularly taken into account, and if they were taken into account, it was in a negative way, with reprimands, comments and reproaches. Another option is when the parents’ expectations are so high that the child is forced to become perfect. So to speak, to meet expectations at any cost.

As a result, the little girl abandoned her own feelings, her desires and preferences. If I can say so, she turned away from her individuality, nature, from her true self, in order to first please her parents, and then act out this scenario with other people.

What does this lead to? Unfortunately, the desire to please is coupled with the desire to be loved. As a rule, there is a strong connection here: to be good in order to deserve love.

Feel if there is a difference between these models:

- “I do something just because I enjoy doing it, I don’t expect anything in return”;

“I do something, and in the depths of my soul, and perhaps quite consciously, I expect that they will praise me, that they will treat me well, that they will love me.”

The problem is that these expectations are not met...

The “good girl” believes that the only way to please someone is by denying yourself. By denying herself, she seems to be making a sacrifice, expecting the same from those around her. When this expectation is not met, the “good girl” experiences anger, often unconsciously, covered with guilt and the thought: “Apparently, I’m doing something wrong, there’s something wrong with me.”

Separately, it is necessary to say a few words about what “right” and “wrong” are. These words form the notorious coordinate system for the “good girl”, in which she unsuccessfully tries to navigate. But how can this be done if the internal compass of one’s own feelings and sensations is blocked?

And now we come to the question of what to do? How to cope with this syndrome?

“Good girl” syndrome: how to get rid of it?

No matter how scary it may sound for “good girls,” they first need to choose themselves.

We all know the Christian commandment “love your neighbor as yourself,” and in order to love your neighbor, you must first love yourself. Deal with your feelings and learn to talk about them, pay attention to sensations and learn to listen to them. And finally, understand: what do I want, what do I dream about? And then start implementing your plans.

Of course, at first it will be difficult and scary, because the “good girl” has never done this before. She may face rejection from her surroundings, but that shouldn't stop her. Because you can’t please everyone, there will always be someone for whom she will be “indecently good.” But this step will help her find herself, perhaps completely unfamiliar, and therefore even more attractive.

And most importantly, if the “good girl” feels good inside, then it will be truly good with her.

10 steps to a new life for all “good girls”

Step #1. Listen to yourself because others may be confused about what is best for you.

Step #2. Always use your own opinion.

Step #3. Love your friends, but be free from them.

Step #4. Do what you really enjoy. To do this, you need to do deep work and understand what you like, and not your relatives, environment, or society.

Step #5. Travel, it will expand your social circle and allow new people to appear in your life.

Step #6. Believe in what is truly close to you and feel free to talk about it.

Step #7. Remember that life will end someday. Live it 100%.

Step #8. Live in the present.

Step #9. Accept people for who they are. They have their own path, and it is worthy of respect.

Step #10. Make yourself and others happy when you feel like doing so.

As soon as you begin to return to yourself, listening to your feelings and desires, you will be surprised to find that there is more love around you. You will suddenly realize that you know exactly what you want to do and in which direction to move.

As one of my clients said: “It’s like all the doors are opening in front of me. I just think about something, and I am given the opportunity to implement it. I feel truly happy"

I sincerely wish you to experience this feeling!

The “good girl” complex is a typical story for our women raised in the post-Soviet space .

What is surprising about this is not so much the “goodness” syndrome itself, but its artificiality. Indeed, in fact (as can be seen, in particular, from the experience of our heroine) such external “goodness” is just one way to hide behind one’s own fear. Fear of not being appreciated, fear of being rejected, fear of seeming funny...

All these fears are familiar to each of us from childhood and adolescence, usually their relevance decreases by the age of 20-25, but for some they remain for a long time, and in general interfere with life... The “good girl” syndrome, as usual, comes from from childhood. We all remember the importance of a mother’s figure in a girl’s growing up and that sooner or later the time comes for separation—separation—from her mother.

Separation occurs differently in boys and girls (mind you, it is much easier for boys with this “syndrome”).

There are only four stages of separation: symbiosis - rebellion - distance - rapprochement at a new level. The gender difference itself allows the boy to disconnect from his mother at the level of physiology, emotions and psychology - much faster and more painlessly.

Physiologically, he knows for sure, or guesses, that they are different; emotionally, he is driven by completely different experiences, so in principle he is not inclined to “try on” his mother’s emotions for himself, plus boys, for the most part, are more resistant to manipulation based on feelings of guilt, etc. ( they are more difficult to “break through”); finally, mentally (especially if there is an example of a father or another mature man nearby) - he realizes the persistent need to disconnect from his mother and the correctness of this action. And this is perceived as normal when a boy moves away from his parents and leaves the family.

Of course, there are also crippled boys whose mother does not let go under any pretext and with all possible ways prevents separation (a la “Jewish mother”), or the men themselves are psychologically immature, for one reason or another not ready to leave their mother’s care, but we are not talking about them now. We are talking about us, girls who “should be” closer to their mother even after creating their own family, who often do not live their own lives, but are close to their mother, who do not have a chance for an adult relationship until they go through their separation.

What happens physiologically: during symbiosis, the girl and her mother feel very good and close, it is very important for her to feel similar to her mother: from the color of her nails (at 2-3 years old) to the “same dress” as her mother. Everything “the same” is a guarantee of satisfaction, the state of “everything is fine and in order, I look like my mother.” By the time of rebellion, the girl is even more similar to her mother in those primary sexual characteristics that have appeared and once again prove her similarity with her mother.

And in order to disconnect, she needs to literally contrast herself with an older, more mature and similar woman - her mother. At this moment, the girl often begins to defend her boundaries at the level of a separate room, the ability to lock herself in the bathroom, personal belongings to which no one has access, a separate closet, etc. and so on. It is literally important for her to physically build a boundary from her mother. Many mothers, not understanding what is happening to their daughter, try in every possible way to prevent this, feeling that the child is moving away (and this is such a dangerous teenage period), and they urgently need to intervene and save.

And the more the mother insists on her presence within personal boundaries, the larger the wall the daughter erects. But here the next level of confrontation comes into play. If physiologically a girl obeys instinct, and can even behave somewhat aggressively, defending the right to personal space, then when it comes to emotions, everything is much more complicated. Perhaps some of you will remember your first attempts at rebellion, which ended in nothing, as soon as your mother turned on the emotional component - “press on pity,” shame, cry and make you feel guilty, or say the sacramental: “When you yourself become a mother, You’ll remember what it was like for me!” — there are many ways, the degree of sophistication of maternal love knows no bounds.

It is clear that most mothers do not even suspect that at this moment they are harshly manipulating their child, but the desire to save and protect “their own” daughter is above all. And behind it is the desire to maintain your control and management of the child. True, unconscious. Many daughters give up at this stage, and separation remains an open question for a long time.

Because guilt- an incomparably strong thing, especially in relation to mom. This is perhaps the most powerful maternal tool in relation to her daughter. Accordingly, the conclusions drawn from mental level- “I’m bad”, “I’m making my mother feel bad”, this is “wrong”, “this is not possible”, etc. Actually, it is the feeling of guilt that is the basis of the “good girl” complex, on which fear and resentment, a sense of injustice and the social attitude that “you can’t offend your mother” are layered like a layer cake.

And it turns out such a good, obedient girl (about 40 years old), who throughout her life proves to her mother (often already within herself) that she is good and deserves respect and love, with absolute inner confidence that in order to be happy and loved, and also, to get what you want - you need to be good and correct, or deserve it.

Then I could write a lot more paper with recipes on what to do if you discover this complex in yourself. But I will limit myself to a few statements that you can take into your collection - digest - and somehow use, or you can skip if you don’t want to do this):
Every person has the right to love and happiness by birth. Those. To be loved, you just need to breathe.
You can’t offend your mother, she can be offended. The same goes for the girl herself. If she decided to be offended by her mother, then this is her personal business and has nothing to do with her mother.
- the most destructive feeling in a person. You can accept it (live it, observe it), and develop responsibility instead.
Responsibility- this is when a person is responsible for the consequences of his deeds, thoughts and actions. You can only be responsible for yourself, as well as for small children until they reach maturity (approximately 14 years old).
In order to help your daughter avoid the good girl complex and grow up happy, it is important to become a “bad mother” at the moment of rebellion, or simply step back and let go, think at this moment about your daughter more than about yourself.
In order to get rid of the Good Girl complex yourself, you don’t need to get rid of anything, just follow steps 1-5 and allow yourself to be bad (and everything that you put into this word). Allowing does not mean being, but means having it in your arsenal of qualities and manifestations.

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Get rid of the "good girl" complex. How to get rid of the “good girl” syndrome It’s scary to be a bad girl psychology

Who is a good girl?

We are all different

How to find a way out of the situation