Alice Miller: What is laid down in childhood determines our actions in adulthood. Laws of adult life Im in adult life

Childhood will end someday, because it is not forever...we all sang in chorus, deep down hoping that childhood would fly by faster, and we would finally become adults and independent.

Who hasn’t dreamed of growing up quickly and deciding everything for themselves? Most often, of course, our childhood expectations were associated with buying ten servings of our favorite ice cream or riding on the carousel until the park closed, but it seemed to us that adults were constantly lecturing us on purpose and forcing us to do all the most boring and unnecessary things, but the most interesting things, Unfortunately, they prohibit it. Therefore, when there were too many prohibitions, we stopped listening to any instructions and began to reject even the most reasonable advice from parents, teachers and the adults around us.

Now that we have already matured and can safely look back to analyze the events of our childhood, it would not be a bad idea to once again recall the most important advice and instructions from the past. You will be surprised, but not everything that our parents, grandmothers and teachers talked about was deprived common sense.

Now that youthful maximalism no longer pushes us onto the path of eternal rebellion and arguments for the sake of arguments, we are ready to admit that sometimes the thoughts “but mom talked about this”, “but Tatyana Petrovna was right” pop up in our heads, and we are ready start applying some of the recommendations already in adulthood.

Always say thank you. The child begins to be told that he needs to be polite from the moment he tries to pronounce his first words. “Tell your aunt thanks for the apple!” “Thank your uncle for the car!” And so the kid, distorting the words, tries to thank the adult for not asking him to give or bring him something. Often good intentions for raising your child have the opposite effect, because they form an internal protest in the child against manipulations of this kind.

In adult life, it will not be amiss to find a rational grain in this parental attitude and realize that one can and should be grateful for a real service or favor rendered. The modern rhythm of life turns us into callous consumers, expecting that the whole world owes and owes us. A short “thank you” sent in an instant message not only looks rude, but also deprives us of at least one potential assistant in the future.

Do not be greedy. Adults put a lot of effort into teaching us to share. Usually, parents believe that by teaching their child to give everyone molds in the sandbox and part with his favorite dump truck without a roar, they have fulfilled their parental mission of teaching the child not to be greedy. Sometimes, in order for a child to show generosity, he is dragged right after the playground to a store, where he sweeps sweets and toys from the shelves, choosing a reward for his generosity of soul.

Of course, the ability to negotiate and exchange toys with other children lays the foundations of communication, but has nothing to do with generosity. A child who easily gives away his things may simply be inattentive and not remember at all what toys his mother brought to the playground, and the one who clutches his favorite scoop will not necessarily grow up greedy and stingy; perhaps he is still too young to understand the principles exchange and is still strongly attached to a specific thing.

But there is another, deeper meaning hidden in the “don’t be greedy” attitude. It would be good to learn in your mature years not to be stingy with emotions, to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with others, so that friendship does not turn into an endless exchange of goods and mutually beneficial relationships.

Don't be friends with bad boys. The bad mother is the one who didn’t dream of locking her daughter, like the beautiful Rapunzel, in a high tower so that no bad boy could get to her little princess.

Quite a few literary works are devoted to the description of subsequent events, when parental prohibitions have the opposite effect and “good” girls throw in their lot with “bad” guys.

In fact, the correct message would be "be friends with bad boys". True, in order to withstand the period of such friendship, parents will have to stock up on packs of sedatives, but the result will exceed all expectations. You need to be friends with “bad” boys in childhood, at least in order to understand that climbing over fences, chasing a ball and ramming each other on bicycles is a lot of fun with them, but it is better to maintain friendly relations with them in adulthood.

When for a girl there is no romantic aura around hooligan guys, she can have a fairly sober idea of ​​what to expect from them in family life. And in the case when a girl for many years is deprived of the opportunity to chase the neighbor's cat and laugh at stupid jokes with her reckless classmates, she tries to make up for lost time in adulthood.

Usually such experiments end in unsuccessful family relationships, which cannot be corrected with one pack of sedatives.

Learn for yourself. How such a phrase irritated us as children. It seemed to us that our parents were simply brushing us aside and were not interested in our school life. If parents do not use such a postulate to shift all responsibility to little man, they are really right in that they are preparing a good foundation for him for the future.

When a child develops the right motivation to learn something new, the leading incentive will be interest and new opportunities that open up with the acquisition of a particular skill, and not parental praise or any material reward.

An adult with a constant desire to learn and experience something new can rarely lose interest in life or stop working in a situation where there is no praise from others.

Don't read other people's letters. No matter how strong the temptation may be to learn other people's secrets from a handwritten diary or online correspondence, those adults who did not advise us to do this are right.

Even if we omit the moral side of the issue, such a habit can play a cruel joke on us and destroy even the most a good relationship. A person who is accustomed to learning the secret thoughts of a partner not in a personal conversation or developing his powers of observation and empathy risks at one fine moment being left alone with such information that he simply will not be able to accept and process.

By gaining access to the hidden thoughts of another person in such an unfair way, we enter into a very dangerous game called “I think I know the real you.” Rarely does anyone manage to get out of such a situation with honor and dignity; more often than not, the truth comes out and continuing communication as if nothing had happened becomes simply impossible.

Formulate your thought. How many times have we heard this expression in our youth from our parents or teachers. When we, choking from overwhelming emotions, confusedly talked about winning the school relay race, or got excited, shouting fragmentary phrases about how all our friends were wrong, we were suddenly interrupted by an adult: “I don’t understand anything, formulate your thought clearly and clearly.” "

And now, with less enthusiasm, but with more information content, we tried to clearly explain to an uncomprehending adult what really happened.

In literature lessons, sometimes it was tedious and boring, and sometimes it was cheerful and dynamic, the teachers tried to explain to us how to answer questions correctly, draw up a story plan and, in the end, simply convey our thoughts to our interlocutor.

The ability to accurately and concisely formulate our thoughts opens many doors for us in adult life. A specialist who can create a concise and understandable description of a product or service, convey the most important things to the client in a few sentences, and communicate succinctly with management is valued in any professional field.

Acquaintances who, in a few minutes, help you sort out your chaotic thoughts and organize the chaos in your head, are usually respected and try to involve you in discussions more often.

And sometimes it doesn’t hurt to clearly recognize and formulate our own thoughts, even if we don’t intend to convey them to our interlocutor.

In fairness, I would also like to recall some useless advice from our childhood that everyone received at one time or another during their golden age.

Don't wrinkle your forehead. It's hard to imagine more useless and at the same time widespread advice. The presence of facial wrinkles, which so irritate compassionate parents and relatives, does not depend in any way on how flexible the child’s facial expressions are. Sometimes wrinkles on the forehead appear from childhood, so you should rather be offended by genetics than by the mobility of your offspring’s facial muscles.

In addition, it is difficult to imagine how one can walk with a frozen face at any age, much less at an early age.

All things must be in their place. At first glance, the phrase sounds true, but who defines this “own” place? Imagine that a stranger sneaks into your room or office and determines for every thing right place at your own discretion. Just the thought makes my eye twitch nervously.

The same thing happens to a child when, in an attempt to teach him order, you arrange toys and school supplies in accordance with your idea of ​​neatness and convenience.

It would be more productive to admit that even Small child- this is not your copy, but a completely separate personality, and when teaching him discipline and order, it is worth taking into account his preferences and thoughts on this matter.

Everyone can't be wrong and you can't be the only one right. They can! This is even proven historical facts, associated with the well-known names of Nicolaus Copernicus, Galileo Galilei and many other researchers and discoverers.

Truth should not be determined by a majority vote, but by the presence of arguments and evidence. It is more rational to teach a child to argue his point of view, and not just follow the crowd.

This is nonsense, don't worry! Another absolutely useless advice comes from childhood. If a child considers what happened to be nonsense, he is not worried anyway, but he can start, since an adult focuses attention on the problem.

And if the child is already worried, then your words will only upset him even more, since you do not take his problem seriously and, instead of sympathy and discussion, you invite him to just pretend that nothing happened.

If, having become parents, we continue to remember our childhood, then the likelihood that our advice will resemble the droning of a stupid parrot, mindlessly repeating what it heard, will be minimal.

Stories about ten classmates who were friends before gray hair, most likely, will remain only in films. At one not-so-wonderful moment, you will discover that with many of those with whom you shared your most intimate. And all your new friends are your colleagues. Because in adult life you have neither the time nor the desire to get involved in adventures, since you are generally tired of people.

2. You will have to develop a system for evaluating yourself

As a child, you get used to the fact that there is always a moderator of your behavior next to you. The teacher gives grades, parents give candy or a belt. And you learn to balance between personal interests and attempts to please an adult, but at the same time you see a framework within which you can return if something happens.

In adult life, there will be significantly fewer guidelines and you will have to develop them. There are some things you won't be praised or scolded for, and you have to know for yourself what is acceptable and what is not in order to continue to respect yourself.

3. Fear of doctors does not go away with age.

You used to be afraid of the doctor because he would look into your mouth and give you a painful injection. Over the years, the fear has not gone away, there are simply more reasons for panic.

4. Your body will betray your age.

From the point of view of social life, 25 is the new 18; at 30, life is just beginning, and one cannot dare to call sixty-year-olds old men and women. But your body will think differently. One day - and quite early on - you will feel that something is wrong with him. In another couple of years, you will know exactly what is wrong with him, and realize that it will only get worse. You will have a first aid kit with medicines for all occasions, and you will know exactly where your compulsory medical insurance policy is.

5. Your metabolism will change

It doesn’t matter how much you could eat and not gain weight: a handful or a bucket. As you age, you will have to eat less to maintain weight because your metabolism...

6. It's impossible to feel old enough.

The argument “when I become an adult” will never lose its relevance, it’s just that one day it will become embarrassing to say it out loud. No miracle will happen on the day you turn 18, 21, 30 years old. You'll just end up one day difficult situation, decide to ask adults for help and you will understand that the most adult here is you.

7. Even your dream job is first and foremost a job.

The things you love will sometimes annoy you, and this applies to work too. Your dream position will require a lot of work and take up a huge amount of time. The difference between great work and just work is that you will at least sometimes be thinking about what you are doing.

8. People won't interfere in your life any less.

The hope that as you get older they will finally stop lecturing you will not come true. Everyone around you will still think that they know better how to live your life. Only if earlier for approval it was enough to study well and not dye your hair green, now the list of social expectations will not fit in a notebook of 48 pages. At a minimum, people will think that for some reason you are interested in knowing their opinion.

9. You will discover gaps in technical literacy.

You can be surprised all you want that parents have never learned to write SMS, until you discover that you yourself are several steps behind teenagers. After all, why master a new technology if the old one works great?

10. You will dream of solitude

A little adulthood and a fun holiday in Ibiza will no longer be a priority in your holiday plans. Your choice is a remote village somewhere in the forests of Finland, or better yet on the Moon, and there is no mobile connection.

11. You realize that everyone is mortal.

None of your relatives bear the surname MacLeod, so you always understood that your parents would die sooner or later, and so would your life. But with age, this fact moves from the realm of knowledge into a clearly realized inevitability. You will sympathize with friends, receive messages about the death of classmates, read the news and know that any moment of your life could be your last.

12. Successful pop and football stars are younger than you

In many professions, 13 years is the age when it’s too late to start. But you continued to secretly hope that a model scout would meet you on the street and be speechless from beauty, or that your passion for street football would develop into something more. And then you suddenly discover that even the contestants on scandalous TV shows are younger than you, not to mention the real rising stars.

13. Good grades at school and university do not guarantee a successful career.

Red covers of education documents do not guarantee anything at all. They will only look at your diploma government agencies, because they have a strictly regulated hiring procedure. In commercial companies, it is more important to have an up-to-date . And it is quite likely that yesterday’s poor students will manage excellent students, and not because of connections, but because they really know better what to do.

14. You can't buy everything for yourself.

As a child, it seems that if you had your parents’ money in your pocket, you would buy yourself a stuffed puppy, a model of a tank, fashionable jeans, the latest model of a computer, and basically everything you want. But, firstly, as you get older you will realize that you simply don’t have enough for everything. Secondly, you no longer need a stuffed puppy and a tank model.

15. You can eat sweets for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you won’t

Sweets are an inexpensive pleasure. They are more affordable than vegetables or quality meat. But you will often eat chicken with buckwheat instead of chocolate, because now you know everything about calories and...

16. You can throw away the ice cream because it doesn't taste good.

Even your favorite delicacies will be divided into tasty and tasteless for you. For complete happiness, just ice cream is no longer enough for you, you need the same thing.

17. Love doesn’t have to be one and last a lifetime.

Parting with your first love will be very difficult for you. Most likely, you will even decide that such strong feelings you won't experience it again. However, you will fall in love again and feel very happy.

18. Birthday is not such a fun holiday.

Even if you do not experience any complexes about the inevitable growing up and openly state your age, there will be dozens of people around who can overshadow any holiday. They will say what it was time to do at your age, and what is now forbidden, joke about old age wrinkles and gray hair, hint at a quick walk towards the cemetery. And when you say that you will figure out for yourself whether to wear a miniskirt after 25 and whether to ride a bicycle after 40, you will be considered a boor. Therefore, the birthday will become, first of all, a holiday of unpleasant communications.

19. You can stay without a family for a long time and not suffer from it

As a child, it seems that 25 years is a very old age and by this time you need to start a family and have children. At the same time, at almost any age you can find that.

20. Parents’ bad predictions will not come true.

Your life will turn out at least normally: the apartment will not become overgrown with dirt, you will find a normal job and will be able to be responsible.

What things from adult life came as a surprise to you? Share in the comments.

LAWS OF ADULT LIFE
Sooner or later there comes a critical moment of growing up. The moment of transition from the world of children to the world of adults. The world of children is, in principle, more democratic, cheerful, and spontaneous. What “passes” and is valued in the world of children does not “work” at all in the world of adults. The world of adults lives by its own laws, it is tougher and not everyone finds themselves in it. For such people, “backup options” have been created, something like Indian reservations. But still, everyone can discover the adult in themselves, if desired, and find their place in the “noisy and furious” world. Nobody says it will be easy. But it's probably worth a try. I’m a newbie in the world of adults, I didn’t want to grow up for too long, or maybe I just wasn’t ready to do it, after all, every vegetable has its own time.
In fact, not everything is so scary and gloomy. In life there is always a place for a good joke and strong, aromatic, invigorating coffee. There is always a place for sports and a good mood in life, if we allow ourselves to do so. There are, have been, and will be all kinds of problems, troubles, and “situations.” This is a given, you can’t escape it, you can’t escape it. We can change our attitude towards situations, but we still have to solve them. The “childish” desire to throw one’s “fucking headache” onto others or to shoulder someone else’s burden “in the name of saving mankind” simply takes us away from ourselves, from our own lives. And no relationship, children, career or hobbies can replace ourselves. No one will solve our problems better than ourselves. We are responsible only for ourselves and our lives. Our own work is enough for our lifetime, and we shouldn’t put it off until later either; we might simply not get a lot done. Returning home, to oneself, is perhaps a kind of “precursor” of growing up. Adult life is somewhat similar to school life with its multi-point grading system, tests, and exams. Unlike student anarchy, its laws exist, albeit invisibly and even secretly. We learn them as we gain experience.
Ignorance of the laws does not exempt you from responsibility, so it is better to know the laws. I write and formulate them for myself. Perhaps they are somewhat erroneous and not at all orthodox, because there are several amendments to each law.  I’m also wondering how to use them. I will add as information becomes available.
1. The law of money and obligations. If you commit to doing a certain job and complete it, you will receive a reward. If you don’t fulfill your obligations, you pay a penalty. In other words, it is better to earn less than to go into debt. Or - “If you drive more quietly, you will go further.” Take your time, wait, think it over, look at the experience of others, what “this” can lead to, and decide whether you need “it”. If you have the desire and feeling that you can “do it”, go for it. Look for solid ground under your feet and rocks for a foothold.
2. The Law of Competition and Cooperation, Friends and Enemies. There are no enemies! Competitors teach, and employees help. Although, there are other points of view. This is the law of attitude towards people, in principle. What we send into space is returned to us. Ultimately, we begin to be treated the way we ourselves treat others. It’s not so important what inclinations we have, because we educate ourselves, we decide for ourselves how to behave and how to treat whom. And although many things “break out” involuntarily, by themselves, the last word remains with us. “Negativity” can be nurtured and cherished, or you can let go and forgive yourself for “momentary weakness.” It is important to sort out people and their behavior. People tend to make mistakes and do rash things. That's why they are people, each on a journey, each with their own starting point. Judging and mocking! over others, we humiliate ourselves. And yet competition always exists in any area of ​​life. You just need to accept this as a fact. And act according to the circumstances. There is no universal recipe here. There will always be someone smarter, more beautiful, richer and more successful than you. Probably, this was deliberately designed to measure our pride. So there is no need to worry about this, everyone has personal space for growth and gratitude for what they already have. You just need to discover them within yourself.
Cooperation also plays a very important role in our lives. There is no shame in asking someone for help, just as there is no shame in giving help when asked or offering it. This is precisely the moment of cooperation. And not solving your problems at the expense of each other.
3. The law of the weak link. Man is a chain. A chain consists of links. When loaded, the chain breaks at the weak link. By identifying and repairing weak links, a person becomes stronger and can do more. Don't ignore weak links, but don't focus on them either. In a word, learn to get along with yourself.
4. The law of open doors. If there is a closed door in front of you that they don’t want to open, or you are an “uninvited” guest that they don’t want, don’t enter those doors, don’t break in, no matter how much you want to. Enter where they really want you and want to see you. If nowhere, take care of yourself; if you want, there will always be things to do.
5. The law of traps and snares or Kolobok’s law. Don't listen to the one who sings sweetly. Not every door is worth entering. " Free cheese in a mousetrap." This is a classic. I prefer the version with cockroaches. “Don’t feed other people’s cockroaches and don’t let them feed your own.”
6. The Law of the Three Little Pigs. Life and daily activities are similar to building a house. We build ourselves and our own world. When we are together with someone, we create a common world and a common home. Or we don’t create it. It turns out that this is the overall complex structure. It can be nice and cozy, or it can be cold and lonely. The tale “The Three Little Pigs” is about what a house should be like and what awaits unreliable straw-wooden buildings. Stones in in this case symbolize truth in all its manifestations. And above all, our true selves. And not fake-feigned-acted ones.
7. Thumbelina's Law. About finding your place in life, and with it everything else that comes with it - home, happiness, family. This law is also about how one should be - open, sincere, capable of mutual assistance. And we will not be able to find our place until we pass certain tests that will develop certain qualities in us. Therefore, it is worth boldly moving forward to meet challenges. With a warm heart, an open soul, a clear mind. As you gain skills, the tests stop being so difficult.
8. The law of optimism and pessimism. All's well that ends well. Ultimately, nothing can end well. Everything ends either in nothing or badly. This is what pessimists think. They use what is given with the least amount of energy and live by the principle of “seize the moment.” Optimists always have one foot ahead. Do in this moment what is being done is not waiting for instant results, approval, etc., striving with the whole being to new heights. A happy future gives them the strength to realize their present. They believe in their lucky star and therefore they are shining now. I think everyone has a place on earth, everyone has their own tasks.
9. The law of brains or the law of signs. We look and listen with our eyes and ears, but we see and hear with our brains. Develop your brains, train your muscles. They are a perpetual motion machine; the more they work, the more alive they will be. There are many signs around, they show you the way, learn to distinguish them. The right and left hemispheres are two true friends and helpers. By synchronizing the work of thoughts, feelings and desires, we become harmonious. Harmonized the world, the space around us.
10. The law of restlessness or the law of free thinking and body. What spoils a person’s life most of all are stereotypes in consciousness and movement. You shouldn't put up with incorrect posture, tightness and muscle tension, illusions and misconceptions. A free mind and body makes us healthy in every way. Free thinking begins when we begin to think independently, without creating idols for ourselves. A free body begins with awareness and training to master your body. It's all work, but the work you love never gets boring. Taking care of yourself is pleasant and useful. And we are worth it all. And life is worth living restlessly.
11. The law of surprises. God works in mysterious ways. Life is ruled by chance. Therefore, everything is possible. We must cultivate a readiness for the unexpected and the ability to act according to circumstances.
12. Love and relationships are a trap for those who do not have dreams, goals and life’s work. First things first - airplanes! Well, girls, and girls - later!
13. Law of deferred payments. It takes time to move in space. Any payment must travel its distance. Each payment has its own speed. The ability to wait and sincere patience is one of the best virtues. We cannot change life, but we can change our attitude towards it. Because we control our attention ourselves, moving our gaze from one object to another. Gaze creates a force of resistance around us, emanating from us. And everything that moves towards us slows down. Lightness and relaxation always make the moment easier to feel. The speed of movement inside and outside us increases.
14. The law of true life values ​​and fetishes. From a lack of sincere, true feelings, we “catch up” with something else. “Catch-up” is called fetishes. Games, brands, porn, ceremonies, decorations and other features create pictures-hooks that we are led into because we are deprived of the fullness of natural feelings and emotions in Everyday life. Disappointments gradually make us immune to them. Actually, only some of them. Fetishes have become an integral part of our lives.
15. The law of gender relations. Men always leave. Somewhere, for something. The time will come, the circle will close (the earth is round), and they will still want to return to someone. In general, the relationship of boys and girls to each other is very different from the relationship of men and women. Children's hobbies are more related to the continuation of their desires, fantasies, “dreams” and the possibilities of their real implementation. In adult life, personalities come to the fore. The depth of feelings develops as the relationship progresses. Or it doesn't develop. In any case, relationships come into our lives as tests. They create circumstances and situations in which we “cook”, harden and mature. A man manifests himself through his attitude towards a woman. A woman - in relation to herself and to the world. Despite all feminism and equality, the ability to be individuals, independent, with free will, women are created for men. Another thing is how to perceive it and how to relate to it. 
16. Law of positioning.  No matter how sad it may be, each of us has our own real and market price. As global brands, we are positioning ourselves in the adult market. Children still retain the idea of ​​equality, even with different reference points. In adult life, we have our own pricing policy; one way or another, we “buy” each other. And in order to take a stable position, you need to win your place in the adult life market. Without this, further advancement is impossible. The sooner your place is won, the more time you will have, and therefore the opportunities for self-discovery. Wandering, dashing, throwing do not contribute to constructive activity. In the end, any activity, both creativity and technical work this is “constructive”, creation. Professionalism, thorough (desire for this) knowledge of the subject of activity simply make life easier. Testing yourself and your “product” always brings you back to reality. It's not scary to do something badly, especially at first. It's scary not to want to do it better. And we are conquering this market not at the expense of anyone, not by shifting someone aside. And at the expense of oneself, by expanding one’s own space. This is the meaning of the expression: “You shouldn’t bend under the changing world, someday it will bend under us.” Your place in the Sun begins with your position in your head. From identifying yourself, from understanding your own capabilities and limitations. For this purpose, we are given a period of childhood - for games and trials, a period of youth - for searches and discoveries, and a period of adulthood - for activity and continuation of ourselves. In the latter, support points are needed. Character. Internal reliability.
17. Law of choice. A person makes choices all the time. Of course, from the opportunities provided, within a certain radius. If everything is not satisfactory, he can wait or do something to expand the radius of possibilities.
“The best inheritance of parents is poverty.” Indeed, nothing tests us and clears our brains more than prison and madness. And here the law of choice also works. Leave everything as it is, or go up the stairs, leaving behind everything connected with past life- both good and bad. By making choices, we get a way of life and an environment. Any position has its pros and cons. The choice is ours. The results depend on our ability, readiness and real possibilities to act and act in various situations and under the current circumstances. A result that does not satisfy us can become an incentive for progress, or perhaps an indication of the wrong direction of movement. Again, the choice is ours. Only the heart has no choice, it decides for itself whom to love and whom to stop loving; I think this happens arbitrarily, and the will is not involved here. We decide for ourselves what to do. True, there are still desires, they also do not depend on the will. But we all have “switch buttons.” We can use them, or we can follow their lead own desires, often contradictory and changeable, fleeting whims and moving desires-fantasies. Deep desires are always connected with the heart and mind, they do not pass quickly, and sometimes live with us all our lives. But a person decides for himself which path to choose. “Switch buttons” are our life settings. Sometimes we press buttons consciously, sometimes unconsciously. A cigarette in hand, virtual communication (waiting to receive information-satisfaction from the monitor screen), a bottle of beer, a glass of vodka, going into fantasy, playing sports, watching TV, walking with a camera, having sex, making love, kissing, taking pills, etc. d. All this is a choice, all this is pressing buttons, all this is a choice of life attitude. “I live”, “I prepare for life”, “I waste my life”, “I survive”, “I create”, “I love”, “I kill myself”, “I indulge”, etc. Depending on installations and our life goes on, depending on the installation we get the result. I would like to enter adulthood really consciously. To consciously give yourself guidelines and follow them. The result will not happen immediately, time must pass, the attitude must take root, it must grow into our lives and in us, and only then bear fruit. This develops patience and diligence.
The most sophisticated violence is depriving a person of free choice, imposing a seal on his free will.
18. The law of the deductive method.
Deduction -
The power of Sherlock Holmes's deductive method lies in its attention to details that we do not notice when looking at a situation, event or picture in general. But it is the details that play an important role. They create both a certain, unique, individual atmosphere of any situation, and they are its “salt”, carriers, microparticles of its meaning. Only by collecting all the details and nuances together can you understand what happened, what is happening. Attention to detail is sometimes decisive in making the right decision. Otherwise, the basic principles of logic, analysis and synthesis, work. No less important are sensitivity (the ability to sense a situation, consciously read your feelings) and intuition (imaginative thinking, premonition, what artists of different stripes work with). All these are tools with which we build relationships with reality, with space (both external and internal). Because they are responsible for their every action. So let everything we own work for us, and not against us.
19. The law of the planted tree.
Everyone’s task is to plant their own tree. There are never too many trees. It happens that too many trees are planted in one place, then, in order to save the forest, cutting down begins. But space is not a frozen category; it is capable of expanding and changing. By planting trees, we grow into space with branches and roots. We create a continuation of ourselves, this is our immortality.
20. Law of depth and surface. Everything in the world is dual. Naturally, there are two worlds. In physics, this is the world of microparticles, quanta and the world of large quantities. In life there is a world of depth and surface. Our tangible and observable reality is a surface. Reality hidden from eyes and ears - depth. As in the sea, at depth and on the surface it goes completely different life, exist different shapes life, different “truths”. When we look from the depths at the surface and vice versa, the real pictures of what is happening are distorted. There is no primary and secondary world. These worlds are simultaneous and interconnected. These are the conditions of our living, which we do not choose, into which we find ourselves. You just need to know about them, you need to take them into account, it is advisable to take them into account when making your own judgments about the world. This is an inevitability that is best simply accepted.
Words are the language of the surface. Feelings are the language of depth. They come to the surface only in their own special form. Feelings come to the surface in the form of a mute Little Mermaid, ready to give her life and everything she has for the sake of those she loves. Such a Little Mermaid lives in each of us, but not everyone comes to the surface, into visible reality and everyday life. Perhaps this requires courage.
21. Law of Professor Preobrazhensky
“Devastation begins not in closets, but in heads!”
All the catastrophes of our lives first occurred within ourselves. Perhaps we inherited a tendency towards disasters, perhaps we acquired this ability as a result of other actions. It doesn’t matter what we received at the genetic level - this is not a sentence, but a guide to action. And a disaster is a reason to think about where the breakdown occurred in your head, what needs to be fixed so that disasters do not happen again.
22. Law of integrity.
Man by nature consists of a skeleton, the main part of which is the spine. From meat and muscles and from blood, which, moving, gives life to the whole body. Nervous system and the brain, which set the direction of movement through life. Each of our parts is, on the one hand, independent, and on the other, completely connected with other parts. The body becomes ill if its integrity is compromised or organs cease to perform their functions. It happens that what we inherit from nature is not very good healthy body, but we have the power to tighten up the weak links. The backbone is our character, our ability to follow dreams, goals, to be faithful to the cause of life, to be true to ourselves, to our feelings, the ability to overcome difficulties, it is the source of our endurance. Meat and muscles are what we acquire in the process of life: people, things, all our material surroundings. Blood is the source of life, our soul, our feelings, experiences, which give everything meaning and movement. “Our head is always responsible for where our butt sits.” We are all endowed with gifts and virtues, but how they will work, what the end result will be - our head answers (see Law No. 21). A more organized, more harmonious person is also more perfect in essence. His deeds speak for themselves. The end products of his life are also harmonious and constructive. After all, there is nothing uglier than an unfinished movement. This brings disharmony and destruction to the space. Harmony or disharmony is manifested through a person’s attitude towards himself, towards life, towards the environment. Everyone has their own movements, and therefore their own harmony, their own unique body, their own unique life and their own integrity.
23. Law of love.
Love is everywhere - both inside us and outside. In a flower, sunset, dawn, in everything that is created with love. The source of love is also within us. People, situations, events reveal it in the process of life, become catalysts for the love that already exists in us. We love parents, children, men, women, friends, life, the Creator, ourselves. There is no more or less love, they are different in quality and manifestation. We learn to love throughout our lives. We learn to move from the “alone” category to the “together” category. And in the opposite direction. We find ourselves so that we can ultimately find each other. In order not to dissolve, but to merge. So that each other's love grows in our hearts, gives fruits and seeds, and continues further.
24. Law tomorrow.
Everything that happened to us today, we will be able to understand only tomorrow. Therefore, we are not in a hurry to draw conclusions.
25. The law of traveling around the world.
If you want change, make it trip around the world. And when you return to the same point, you will understand that everything has changed. And your place is where it’s just good, where you can just be yourself. Only there they want you and wait for you. And then - either travel further, or stay in place. Either be alone, or be together. But at least once in your life you should travel around the world. You will not change yourself or your essence, you will simply discover new facets of yourself.
26. Law of tests.
Every day is a small life, full of tests... for lice. On honesty, prudence, ability to manage anger, etc. Here everyone has their own, everyone has their own tasks. Disasters do not happen in one day, they accumulate over years. This is the secret meaning of repentance. Better - everyday. The next day everything will be new - new thoughts, feelings, events. Only unpaid debts follow us on our heels. It’s good when you train yourself every day to track what happened at the level of words and actions. It is better to refuse bad destructive thoughts and states before they destroy us from the inside. Space will test us constantly. Don’t wait for instant understanding, it will come later (the law of tomorrow) Just take care of yourself, this is what is called spiritual hygiene.
We will not be given trials that we are unable to overcome. Only our own trials await us. Everyone makes stupid things and mistakes; smart and stupid people react to situations differently. Clever man will try to benefit from everything, in this case, admit his mistakes, identify and formulate them, and try to avoid them in the future. (Measure seven times - cut once). Stupid people will consider themselves a victim of the situation, the arbitrariness of others, stronger and more cunning, and will continue to commit stupid acts.
Tests are given to us to grow up, to become mature, so that we learn to handle situations on our own. Aerobatics is to control the situation while remaining spontaneous.
Tests - The best way comb through brains that are confused and confused.
There is no need to even talk about the fact that they make us stronger and more resilient.
27. Law of the Twilight Samurai
“A person who can think can survive in any situation.”
Stupid men, oddly enough, do not last long in women’s lives. (unless she herself makes an effort to do this). But a woman is the only opportunity for a man to continue his family line. It is worth letting wisdom and teachers of wisdom into your life. Just like the desire for it.
By and large, wisdom is the ability to act wisely and carefully, without fuss and unnecessary movements. The ability to think is the first step on the path to wisdom; it gives an understanding of lived and acquired experience. Inability to understand “What was that?” makes any experience almost meaningless.
28. The law of two cups. There is a cup in each hand, one is empty, the other is full. Empty - to pour into it, full - to drink from it. Characteristically, the cups constantly change functions.
29. Law of maximum meaning.
Everything that happens is deterministic and random at the same time. Determined within the radius of possible events (radius of common sense). Random - something that happens. Out of the radius of possible events, only one event occurs at a time. It is, of course, multidimensional (at the level of feelings, at the level of visible reality and at the level of thought). Only chance has its own pattern. In fact, it is not random. For only that which is endowed with the maximum meaning occurs (is chosen). And that means it is most effective. This is the wisdom of life. She doesn't care smarter than people and puts everything in its place. Increasing its efficiency is not effective. It is wise to use her intelligence and wisdom. Alchemy is essentially a pseudoscience and nonsense. Each metal has a specific function and is good in its place, which means it is filled with maximum meaning. Doing what you want and what you can do is the most effective. Profit comes when what we do starts working. Profit comes when it makes sense. There are times in everyone's life different periods, depending on what is relevant to us right now: study, work, free creativity, delusions, trials, suffering, sadness, intimacy. One way or another, life is a survival environment. Everything that loses meaning dies. This means that for us, life is the work of maintaining meaning in what really has meaning.
30. The law of one moment.
A person's life is like an instant from the point of view of the life of the universe. We are all just small links in the chain of genesis. The life of each of us consists of moments. And a moment is a quantum, a minimal particle of eternity. This means that a moment is the door to eternity. Every moment of life is endowed with the meaning of eternity. By experiencing the moment, we are able to sense eternity.
31. Law of sleep
We can't stay awake. But it's not that. Who are we when we sleep? What kind of life is this in a state of sleep? Perhaps sleep is the only opportunity for us to cast aside the restrictions that one way or another imposes on us by the outside world, society, everyday life, and beating. Sleep is a fall into oblivion. Immersion in the world of our true, free essence without restrictions? We are all a little sleepwalking. We all live a double life. For all of us, sleep is another life on the other side of life. And it is not known which of them is more real. After all, what we have done and what we have fantasized affects us equally.
32. Law of boundaries.
Everything has its limit, its boundaries. Having achieved them, you can act in different ways - expand, or act within existing boundaries. For me, the second method is more acceptable. The feeling of omnipotence and limitless possibilities goes away, but the emphasis automatically switches to strengths already existing realities. And that means potentially the maximum efficient use of what already exists. Look for new points when the old ones have already exhausted themselves. I think there is no need to look for them, they will appear themselves in the natural flow of events. An organism constantly looking for “something” and aimlessly developing is similar to a woman who is interested in plastic surgery. She turns into nothing...  To realize your real limitations and find self-confidence in this means to find real territory for constructive activity.
33. Law of advances.
For any undertaking, we are given an advance - a demonstration of profit, the advantages of a given activity, relationship or condition. This is a very rosy period. Everything works out as if by itself. It turns out that being an adult is even very cool; many new opportunities open up that you didn’t know about before. M and F relationships have mass. interesting features, they are able to paint life with bright colors, inspire, and give strength. A trading place can provide cash injections. Yes, everything is very good. But only after the advance is there a period of demonstration and reverse side any medal - specific difficulties and limitations (problems ) So that we can correlate the benefits and inevitabilities. Is it worth it? Is it worth getting involved and taking the next step? Therefore, you should not make decisions rashly, based on advances alone. On the other hand, having left, it will be much more difficult to return later, and the concept of “benefit” can change in any direction.
The main law, the last one.
No one really knows how to live, what life should be like. Therefore, any one is suitable. Everyone lives as best they can, as best they can. What is good for one may be suitable for another, but only with nuance. And it pleases. I am no better, no worse, no stupider or smarter than others. Oddly enough, but in general everything is equally divided between us. We are all equal. Just like our children for us, no matter how many there are. So there’s nothing special to worry about. If it arrives somewhere, it will definitely leave somewhere else. It is wiser to stick to the “golden mean” in everything. It's interesting to experience explosions, ups and downs. It is useful to step on a rake... At least life is given to live, try, look, feel. Let everyone do this to the best of their abilities, aspirations, and desires. That's all!

The Inner Parent is responsible for our choices. Total. Perception of life, attitude, reactions, style of protecting boundaries, habits. It adds up to our daily emotional state, daily thoughts, words and actions, which ultimately shapes our destiny. Sometimes they say: “it was written in the family.” Our internal dialogue, which is formed by our inner Parent, completely determines our present and future.

The hallmarks of the absence of a Nurturing Parent are anxiety, restlessness, nervousness, needing another person to just be normal, seeking approval.
With a developed inner Adult, the absence of a Caring Parent will manifest itself in a retreat into rationality at the expense of emotions.

Weak Inner Parent

• When you're wrong, you become self-righteous
• When someone thinks you're wrong, you won't be able to rest until you prove it to them.
• If someone doesn't approve of your desires or actions, you begin to doubt whether you want the “right” thing.
• You need a man to feel complete
• You become attached very quickly, even if you understand that there are no prospects
• You can't do what you think is right without at least someone telling you that you should do it.
• When you realize your desires, it seems to you that they are “wrong” and that this is all nonsense
• After communicating with people, you often feel that you somehow behaved/looked/spoke differently
• You don't want to set goals, let someone else just give you everything ready
• You often suffer from strong emotions, impotent anger, fear or resentment
• You strive to be liked and approved, even if it means giving up your desires.

Strong Inner Parent

• You draw conclusions from mistakes and move on
• Another point of view is not a threat to you, you are not trying to fight and prove that you are right
• You focus on yourself in your desires and actions and accept that you cannot be understood by others in everything
• You live a full, rich life both with and without a man
• You build trust gradually and are able to leave a relationship without losses if you understand that there are no prospects
• You do what you think is necessary and right, and you don’t need other people’s “permission” for this.
• You understand and respect your desires, even if they may seem unusual to someone
• You are able to enjoy communicating with people without tormenting yourself with self-criticism
• You know how to give yourself everything you need and don’t put life off until later.
• You know how to calm yourself down and find ways out of situations in which you feel bad
• You focus on your desires and needs, follow your principles

Stories about ten classmates who were friends until their gray hairs will most likely remain only in films. At one not-so-wonderful moment, you will discover that with many of those with whom you shared your most intimate. And all your new friends are your colleagues. Because in adult life you have neither the time nor the desire to get involved in adventures, since you are generally tired of people.

2. You will have to develop a system for evaluating yourself

As a child, you get used to the fact that there is always a moderator of your behavior next to you. The teacher gives grades, parents give candy or a belt. And you learn to balance between personal interests and attempts to please an adult, but at the same time you see a framework within which you can return if something happens.

In adult life, there will be significantly fewer guidelines and you will have to develop them. There are some things you won't be praised or scolded for, and you have to know for yourself what is acceptable and what is not in order to continue to respect yourself.

3. Fear of doctors does not go away with age.

You used to be afraid of the doctor because he would look into your mouth and give you a painful injection. Over the years, the fear has not gone away, there are simply more reasons for panic.

4. Your body will betray your age.

From the point of view of social life, 25 is the new 18; at 30, life is just beginning, and one cannot dare to call sixty-year-olds old men and women. But your body will think differently. One day - and quite early on - you will feel that something is wrong with him. In another couple of years, you will know exactly what is wrong with him, and realize that it will only get worse. You will have a first aid kit with medicines for all occasions, and you will know exactly where your compulsory medical insurance policy is.

5. Your metabolism will change

It doesn’t matter how much you could eat and not gain weight: a handful or a bucket. As you age, you will have to eat less to maintain weight because your metabolism...

6. It's impossible to feel old enough.

The argument “when I become an adult” will never lose its relevance, it’s just that one day it will become embarrassing to say it out loud. No miracle will happen on the day you turn 18, 21, 30 years old. You just one day find yourself in a difficult situation, decide to ask adults for help and realize that the most adult here is you.

7. Even your dream job is first and foremost a job.

The things you love will sometimes annoy you, and this applies to work too. Your dream position will require a lot of work and take up a huge amount of time. The difference between great work and just work is that you will at least sometimes be thinking about what you are doing.

8. People won't interfere in your life any less.

The hope that as you get older they will finally stop lecturing you will not come true. Everyone around you will still think that they know better how to live your life. Only if earlier for approval it was enough to study well and not dye your hair green, now the list of social expectations will not fit in a notebook of 48 pages. At a minimum, people will think that for some reason you are interested in knowing their opinion.

9. You will discover gaps in technical literacy.

You can be surprised all you want that parents have never learned to write SMS, until you discover that you yourself are several steps behind teenagers. After all, why master a new technology if the old one works great?

10. You will dream of solitude

A little adulthood and a fun holiday in Ibiza will no longer be a priority in your holiday plans. Your choice is a remote village somewhere in the forests of Finland, or better yet on the Moon, and there is no mobile connection.

11. You realize that everyone is mortal.

None of your relatives bear the surname MacLeod, so you always understood that your parents would die sooner or later, and so would your life. But with age, this fact moves from the realm of knowledge into a clearly realized inevitability. You will sympathize with friends, receive messages about the death of classmates, read the news and know that any moment of your life could be your last.

12. Successful pop and football stars are younger than you

In many professions, 13 years is the age when it’s too late to start. But you continued to secretly hope that a model scout would meet you on the street and be speechless from beauty, or that your passion for street football would develop into something more. And then you suddenly discover that even the contestants on scandalous TV shows are younger than you, not to mention the real rising stars.

13. Good grades at school and university do not guarantee a successful career.

Red covers of education documents do not guarantee anything at all. Only government agencies will look at your diploma, because they have a strictly regulated hiring procedure. In commercial companies, it is more important to have an up-to-date . And it is quite likely that yesterday’s poor students will manage excellent students, and not because of connections, but because they really know better what to do.

14. You can't buy everything for yourself.

As a child, it seems that if you had your parents’ money in your pocket, you would buy yourself a stuffed puppy, a model of a tank, fashionable jeans, the latest model of a computer, and basically everything you want. But, firstly, as you get older you will realize that you simply don’t have enough for everything. Secondly, you no longer need a stuffed puppy and a tank model.

15. You can eat sweets for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you won’t

Sweets are an inexpensive pleasure. They are more affordable than vegetables or quality meat. But you will often eat chicken with buckwheat instead of chocolate, because now you know everything about calories and...

16. You can throw away the ice cream because it doesn't taste good.

Even your favorite delicacies will be divided into tasty and tasteless for you. For complete happiness, just ice cream is no longer enough for you, you need the same thing.

17. Love doesn’t have to be one and last a lifetime.

Parting with your first love will be very difficult for you. Most likely, you will even decide that you will never experience such strong feelings again. However, you will fall in love again and feel very happy.

18. Birthday is not such a fun holiday.

Even if you do not experience any complexes about the inevitable growing up and openly state your age, there will be dozens of people around who can overshadow any holiday. They will say what it was time to do at your age, and what is now forbidden, joke about old age wrinkles and gray hair, hint at a quick walk towards the cemetery. And when you say that you will figure out for yourself whether to wear a miniskirt after 25 and whether to ride a bicycle after 40, you will be considered a boor. Therefore, the birthday will become, first of all, a holiday of unpleasant communications.

19. You can stay without a family for a long time and not suffer from it

As a child, it seems that 25 years is a very old age and by this time you need to start a family and have children. At the same time, at almost any age you can find that.

20. Parents’ bad predictions will not come true.

Your life will turn out at least normally: the apartment will not become overgrown with dirt, you will find a normal job and will be able to be responsible.

What things from adult life came as a surprise to you? Share in the comments.