What family problems are solved first? Family problems. Knowledge is power. Solving the problems of modern family and society

Family life accumulates many little things that upset you, force you to quarrel and find out who is right and who is wrong. But it happens that unforgiveness of small grievances accumulates and the result is one big one, difficult to explain and difficult to solve. Here are the main reasons why it is difficult to accept each other and reconcile.

1. There is too much difference between husband and wife. Many even use a phrase that has become a cliché: “We are not right for each other.” Thus, it is very easy to justify your reluctance and indecision to take control of emotions and feelings, to give in and agree on the form of relationships, actions, etc. Yes, it happens that the difference in the perception of the problem is really very great, but this is not a reason to give up and not look for points of contact with the person who is dear to you. If it's expensive, of course.

2. Goals aimed not at the creation of both, but at the prosperity of each separately.

In this case, it will not be easy to understand each other. A person who thinks about his own well-being and comfort is unlikely to see beyond his nose. Selfishness has no place in a happy relationship. This situation is reminiscent of pulling a blanket, but in the end both of them become uncomfortable and cold. If both in a couple take care of each other, then each individual, according to the simplest logic, will be provided for.

Why is family life not going well?

3. Another cause of problems in the family is long-term grievances. They stand like a wall between two people and it is very difficult to hear what the partner is actually saying - a thick wall of unfulfilled expectations blocks the words of a loved one. It is possible to get rid of old accumulated grievances, the details of which are almost impossible to remember. Many psychologists recommend in extreme situations to sort it out with the help of a third person who will listen, guide the conversation and give a response to what he heard. You shouldn’t be afraid of this if maintaining a relationship, and a happy one, is your goal and intention.

4.Attitudes from childhood. Oddly enough, the model of behavior in the family until very late old age is copied from the one that was seen every day in childhood. Whatever one may say, the man will behave like his father, and the woman will replay the role of the mother. Often, such “games” encounter incompatibility. It is impossible to change your childhood, and you shouldn’t regret negative experiences either. You need to understand what is happening “here and now” and conduct an open dialogue with your husband/wife to restore trust, trembling feelings and sincere dedication in the relationship.

The life of every family is filled with problems. But why do some families successfully cope with them, while others are destroyed under their influence? We often talk about our problems in the family. But what kind of word is this problem? It is a word of Greek origin that means task. A difficult problem to solve. That is, our life is filled with difficult tasks.

So, what problems does the average family go through? There are a lot of them. They accompany family life constantly. No matter what experience family life Whether their spouses have it, no matter how old they are, no one can avoid family problems.

Stages of family development

The family goes through a number of stages in its development. Each has its own characteristics, content and duration. Family psychology identifies the following stages:

• very young marriages (the initial stage of married life), the duration of which is from 0 to 4 years;
• young, their age ranges from 5 to 9 years;
• average marriages in which the spouses lived for 10–19 years;
• older marriages, aged 20 years or more.

This classification reflects the presence and solution of certain family problems. The essence of these stages lies in the complex and diverse process of adaptation of spouses to each other and to living together. Although this division is very arbitrary. The transition from the stage of a very young family to a simply young one can occur much earlier in connection with the birth of a child. These two stages are the most important for the stability of a marriage in general. After all, most divorces occur in the first ten years of married life.

The initial stage of married life

The noisy wedding has died down. The guests left a wonderful holiday, and the young people entered a new stage in their lives. It is usually called the youngest marital age.

The beginning of a family relationship is also called the honeymoon. This is a time of happiness, joy in full swing, enjoying each other. How long does this sweetest period of married life last, which seems like a real paradise to young people? A month, two or a year? Hard to say. Young spouses see their future life in bright colors and have grandiose hopes for the future. And faith in eternal love. She is so important at the beginning of this difficult life journey.

The family was born and lasted a month. And she is so fragile and vulnerable. An Eastern proverb states: “When the first month of marriage is only the month of honey, the second will be the month of wormwood.” Why wormwood? She's bitter. The bitterness of new discoveries: he can be rude, categorical and hot-tempered, and she can be touchy and grouchy, etc. Yes, heavenly pleasures end, and serious trials for family and love begin. Many newlyweds believe that if there is love, then everything else will work out. No, it won't work out. It turns out it’s not at all easy to be together all the time. Family life is hard and long work of the soul.

The main problems of younger married people are the grinding of characters. It turns out that it is so difficult to adapt to each other, to create a common “we” from two “I”. While the young people were in the process of candy-bouquet courtship, they sought to show themselves only with the best side. But in everyday relationships it is not possible to hide your shortcomings. They begin to see their real selves. Masks are off. “Who are you?” the young woman mentally asks, peering into the face of her husband. “Did I love you?” the husband is surprised. The true face of the beloved does not at all correspond to the image that we have created. This is the first disappointment. But we cannot part with this invented ideal and begin not to change ourselves, but to remake our “half” in an image invented by ourselves. “Become what I want” is the leitmotif of this alteration. A very dangerous occupation. We all consist not only of advantages, but also of negative sides. Would you like it if someone starts making efforts to re-educate you? How many family problems of all kinds do newlyweds have to solve? This period is the most difficult and unstable.

Problems of young families

Average marriages

They bring with them new problems associated with the growing up of children, with their upbringing and education, with their teenage difficulties and youthful hobbies. On the one hand, family relationships are stabilized, strengthened, and a certain financial position of the family is achieved.

On the other hand, what spouses experience often leads to changes in relationships with all family members. Find out more information about, maybe it will help you solve family problems. I must say that the problems in the family are still very complicated. And not every family can withstand the burden of these difficulties.

Older marriages

We have been together for so many years, and the children with their troubles have faded into the background. What are the family problems here? But there are not fewer of them. It is not so easy to let children go free swimming. Their independence and self-sufficiency often cause older people to feel useless and useless. The common goal of the family, which cemented the relationship of the spouses - raising children - disappears. A crisis of maturity among spouses reveals many problems associated with emotional relationships, with changes in sexual needs and opportunities. Life went on as usual, and the couple did not notice that they themselves had changed psychologically. Men are more resistant to these changes. They want love, and the wife completely devotes herself to her grandchildren, forgetting about the person with whom she spent so many years. All this leads to an increase in divorces.

The problem of adaptation (adjustment)

This problem is very important, and it cannot be solved once and for all. Why does it accompany family life from stage to stage? Because a person is constantly changing, gaining experience, getting smarter or, on the contrary, becoming stupid, going through age-related crises, falling in love, and so on. To maintain a family union, constant adaptation of the spouses to each other and to their way of life is necessary. What does this mean?

First, adaptation to the new social roles of husband and wife.

Secondly, the gradual convergence of behavioral patterns already established before marriage.

Thirdly, joining the circle of relatives of the spouses.

Adaptation is necessary at every stage of family life and in all areas of the relationship between spouses.

In material and everyday relations adaptation presupposes achieving agreement in the responsibilities of the spouses, in the fair distribution of household chores, in the participation of all family members in solving everyday issues, and in creating the material basis of the family.

Moral - psychological relations are associated with a commonality of interests, outlook on life, attitudes, and value orientations. Adaptation in this area presupposes the acceptance of a person’s inner world, his personal characteristics and character traits. There is a gradual convergence of needs and interests. So the husband’s hobby becomes the wife’s hobby and vice versa.

Intimate and personal relationships are an important and subtle area in the lives of spouses, therefore sexual adaptation to each other is necessary at any stage.

Problems of primary and secondary (negative) adaptation

In family psychology, there are two stages of mutual adaptation, which are extremely important for the first two stages of family life. Primary adjustment involves synchronizing the social roles that spouses play and their behavior. Ideas about the roles of husband and wife are formed in parental families, and they determine the nature of their interaction in marriage. It is very important that these ideas become common to young spouses, so that family roles complement each other and do not contradict each other. This is one of the problems of primary adaptation. It is especially necessary at the first stage of family development.

Another feature is the coincidence of the goals of creating a family union. Why do we get married and get married? Few people who get married think about this question. It’s good when the motives and expectations of the spouses coincide. What if they are different: one strives for material well-being in the family, and children do not fit into his plans, while the other dreams of children? Unsolvable problems arise in the family.

In addition to social roles, people also play so-called interpersonal roles, which can contradict each other and introduce elements of disharmony. So the husband claims to be the Expert in the family, then the rest should be his Admirers, and the daughter, considering herself a Beauty, subconsciously expects that everyone else will be her Admirers. If expectations are not met, resentment, quarrels, and conflicts arise.

Secondary (negative) adaptation begins to manifest itself already in the first and second stages and, above all, in the emotional sphere: feelings weaken, lose their brightness, and turn into a habit.

Intellectually: interest in the other spouse decreases. The “read book” effect is triggered. The problem of intellectual negative adaptation is relevant for any marital union. This is explained by the constant communication between husband and wife. Spouses know in advance what their half is thinking about, what they will say and how they will react to this or that event. Everything in your partner’s behavior becomes predictable, boring and uninteresting

In moral terms, there is a “declassification” of the spouses or the manifestation of the “underwear” effect. The spouses begin to demonstrate to each other not their best qualities and patterns of behavior and manner of communication. Result: the romantic flair in a relationship disappears, the image of a loved one “bleaches.” Many things in your partner’s behavior begin to irritate you.

In the sexual relationship of spouses after five years, according to sexologists, changes occur. They are associated with habit and monotony of relationships, with a lack of culture in this complex and subtle area. It is connected with other relationships in the family, and even any not entirely successful remark can upset intimate relationships.

If we remember only our words in communication with our wife (husband), then there was not a dialogue, but a monologue. We only listened to ourselves. And in marital relationships, dialogue is so important for mutual understanding and solving family problems.

As you know, a person can cope with almost any trouble at work as long as he has understanding and trust in his family. But what to do if the family ceases to be a “reliable rear”?

In this article you will find some tips that will help you respond correctly to family problems, no matter what they concern - relationships with your spouse, children or close relatives. Other materials on our portal will also help you understand the situation - for example, Diagnostics of family and family relationships.

1) Remember, you cannot change the behavior or way of thinking of another person, it is not in your power. But you can change your behavior so that he, in turn, changes. In everyday life this is called “picking up a key to a person.” An experienced family psychologist will tell you how to do this specifically in your case.

2) It is easier to prevent any quarrel than to stop it. It is very useful to keep track of what words and actions usually provoke a scandal - then you will be able to stop in time and not say too much.

A separate issue is when any trifle causes dull irritation and provokes a quarrel. What to do if your husband (or wife) annoys you and tension in the family increases? Constant quarrels over the slightest reason are a warning sign. It means that there is some hidden problem in the relationship that neither you nor your other half is aware of. Think about what you are not satisfied with by and large? Maybe your expectations were not met in some way? Or are there some old grievances?

3) You should not declare a boycott during family quarrels and hope that your other half, child or parents will “understand everything themselves.” As practice shows, your stubborn silence can cause in a rejected family member not repentance at all, but irritation, dissatisfaction and a desire to take revenge on occasion.

This is especially true for the “sexual boycotts” that spouses sometimes declare on each other. They are often the first impetus for betrayal. By refusing sex, you think that your spouse will understand that he was wrong, and he is punished. At this time, the husband may think like this: “my wife doesn’t want sex, which means I won’t pester her anymore.”

4) If the problem involves raising children, it is very important that all family members have a joint plan of action. The situation when a father allows a child something that a mother would not allow (and vice versa) is the first step towards the emergence of a difficult teenager. Don't forget about other family members with whom the child comes into contact - for example, grandmothers. Children quickly learn to manipulate! Try to come to an agreement so that the whole family reacts equally to every action of the child.

It is worth mentioning separately about family crises - these are certain periods in the life of a family when the likelihood of betrayal, quarrels, and misunderstandings is especially high. One of these crisis periods For many it is the birth of a child. Read more about this in our article Crises of family life. During such periods, maximum patience, understanding and willingness to fight difficulties together are required from all family members.

And in conclusion, it can be noted that not every problem in the family can be solved exclusively by psychological methods; sometimes the help of a qualified doctor is required. This may include cases of alcohol or drug addiction, mental illness, severe depression, etc. How to determine whether a doctor’s help is needed and what to do if a “problem” family member refuses to be treated? Psychologists on our portal will answer these and other questions.

Among our consultants there are specialists in the field of marital relations, in the field of relations between parents and children, as well as psychotherapists. You can choose “your” psychologist who will help you solve family problems.

Free questions to psychologists from portal visitors on the topic
"Frequent quarrels"

This chapter does not deal with general issues of constructive solutions to problems discussed in previous chapters, but with solutions to individual specific problems that we most often encounter in conflicting married couples. These problems may be caused by the personal qualities of the spouses, the characteristics of their marriage, the dynamics of the development of marital relations, as well as a number of internal and external factors affecting the marriage.

PERSONAL QUALITIES OF SPOUSES

The source of difficulties in family life may lie primarily in the personality characteristics of one or both spouses. We may be talking about traits that initially corresponded to the norm, but were not quite adequate to the partner’s personal qualities, or the partner does not find the right approach to them, unable to cope with certain characteristics of his psyche. In addition, we can talk about pathological personality traits, which in themselves pose a problem in interpersonal relationships, and even more so in marital relationships.

Normal personality traits

When studying the personality of spouses special attention properties determined by temperament deserve, such polar traits as extroversion - introversion,

rationalism - romanticism, dominance - subordination, hostility - friendliness, rigidity - flexibility, hot temper - calm, stability - lability, optimism - pessimism, activity - passivity, carelessness - responsibility, as well as the ability for social adaptation, mental balance and self-control.

Currently existing psychological methods with psychometric testing, unfortunately, do not give a clear answer to the question of the influence of similarity (homogeny) or opposition and complementarity (complementarity) of certain temperamental characteristics on the harmony and success of a marriage. One can reasonably assume.

Psychological factors of marital disharmony that in some cases of polarity homogeny has a positive influence (for example, in the case of extroversion - introversion), in others - complementarity (dominance - subordination), and in some cases only one of the polar properties (carelessness) is more beneficial for both partners - responsibility, pedantry). Recommendations regarding personality compatibility are usually very popular, although they are based more on clinical experience than on convincing scientific evidence.

The character traits of the spouses are evidenced by their attitude towards work, people around them, property, themselves and relatives. Basic moral principles, interests, outlook, lifestyle, psychosocial maturity and value scale are also important. Certain habits can also create problems, such as smoking by one of the partners.

In marital therapy, the classic CONCEPTS OF HIPPOCRATIC TYPOLOGY can also be used.

Choleric is characterized by increased excitability. He can be active, self-confident, domineering, strives to dictate, impose his opinion; he protects his rights, seeks justice and truth in everything. He gets irritated easily, raises his voice, and loses his temper. Such a person radiates energy, has strength and determination. He is a man of action, although his actions are largely reckless. To express himself, he needs society, an environment. Often he assesses the situation uncritically and insists too stubbornly on his own. Hot temper and power, a tendency to suppress easily lead to disputes and conflicts. He is sometimes recognized, BUT we are not loved.

It is necessary to explain to the partner that it is inappropriate to contradict a choleric person when he is excited. Objections will only increase his agitation and increase his immunity to reasonable arguments. At such moments, it is better not to challenge his opinion, but to wait until his excitement subsides and he calms down.

A phlegmatic person reacts to everything slowly, not immediately. He is calm, less active, and difficult to agitate. Such a person does not get irritated by failures or defeats, does not do anything unnecessary, and does everything leisurely. He does not experience “great passions” and does not have great aspirations; he is a sober realist, somewhat lazy, he is little attracted to high ideals and is quite satisfied with mediocrity. He rarely takes initiative and works slowly; It takes a lot of time to get him going, but he does his job persistently, thoroughly and well. He's not interested social activities, but, on the other hand, maintains smooth, non-conflict relationships with most people.

The phlegmatic person brings stability and peace to marital relationships. Having a phlegmatic spouse is, in principle, not bad. Although his slowness sometimes irritates his more temperamental partner, the latter gradually gets used to it. After all, if you want to find something, you have to be patient. The phlegmatic person must be given time so that he can assimilate and digest everything.

A melancholic person is serious, even sad. This is an indecisive, hesitant person, he lacks courage and impulse to action. He is often overcome by doubts, he is easily vulnerable, fussy, restless, easily suggestible, unsure of himself, and often experiences a feeling of inferiority; sometimes he is complex, it is difficult to understand him, he is withdrawn, rarely takes initiative in society and feels insecure. The outside world often hurts a poorly protected melancholic person, so he develops a tendency towards pessimism. However, a melancholic person can have a rich inner world and is capable of deep, lasting feelings. In marriage, he often gets the role of the enslaved and deceived; he endures considerable suffering from the aggressive behavior of his partner.

Living with a melancholic person places serious demands on your partner. He is required to have self-control and delicacy, especially careful and tactful behavior. A melancholic person must be thoroughly stirred up before he talks about his feelings; it is necessary to try to enter into his position, help him overcome his pessimism and maintain faith in own strength.

A sanguine person is a lively, active and cheerful person who is dominated by good mood, optimism and cheerfulness. Often he is not inclined to take his surroundings too seriously. His irritation does not last long; in life, he rather notices its bright sides, conflicts and grievances are resolved very quickly. Frivolous, doing too many things at once instead of doing at least some of them thoroughly. He loves company and entertainment, gets to know people easily and is a pleasant companion. He knows how to organize various entertainments well, and people enjoy being in his company. He is prone to inconstancy and superficial relationships, and is less caring and less responsible, which can irritate a more serious marriage partner.

It is easy to live with a sanguine person; no special behavioral tactics are required. However, given his carefree image I (NI), we must try to burden him with family worries, but do not forget to observe moderation. Otherwise, in unpleasant situations, he may try to slip away and will leave home to where he is more pleasant and calm.

Pathological personality traits

Some personality traits may be pathologically exaggerated primarily at the expense of other traits. Depending on their intensity, as well as the difficulties they cause in their bearer or his environment, we distinguish between accentuated, abnormal and psychopathic properties. A detailed description of individual psychopathic personality traits can be found in all psychiatry textbooks and special monographs. Pzak (1973, 1975) paid considerable attention to them when considering the problems of marital relations.

Will be presented here brief characteristics those pathological personality types that most often contribute to difficulties in marital relationships. At the same time, we will focus on the attitude of the marriage partner towards them, while we will use precise And detailed descriptions Plzak.

Asthenic and hypersensitive personality. Such a personality is characterized by some features of the normal mental-cholic type. One can speak of an asthenic personality in the case of the prevalence of general weakness, passivity, timidity and poor adaptation to life. We can speak of a hypersensitive personality when vulnerability, delicacy and increased comfort to external stimuli predominate. Even small loads cause neurotic reactions in such individuals; they cannot withstand the load well. It is useless to try to influence them by force. Most often, they respond to this by crying, making it clear that they are offended and deceived, showing how unhappy they are.

On your partner’s day, it is important to learn to recognize when it is necessary to be especially attentive and delicate, to console and support (i.e., take his worries and problems upon yourself), and when to be firm and unyielding, so that the asthenic does not begin to terrorize the family with his asthenia. You can try to involve an asthenic individual in group psychotherapy and teach him the skills of auto-training and self-hypnosis. A healthy partner needs to take a break from time to time from the demands that living together with an asthenic person places on him. The same can be said about a hypersensitive personality.

Explosive personality. Such a person represents a pronounced type of choleric person. Such individuals experience outbursts of anger, accompanied by gross insults, and often physical violence. In a state of anger, they hit their partner. The reasons that can cause irritation in them are incommensurate with the intensity of the manifestations. Scandals arise, as a rule, for a completely trivial reason and not only at home, but also at work, with friends, in a store, in transport. An explosive personality is unable to control himself during an explosion of anger. After an outburst of anger, in some cases such a person regrets his behavior, makes excuses, and tries to make amends to his partner with various concessions and gifts. This anomaly is more common in men. Sometimes it is observed in the so-called epileptoid personality, which is characterized by the presence of organic symptoms.

Living together with a hot-tempered person puts the marriage partner in a situation of repeated short-term threat. A chronic conflict situation arises when a healthy partner does not see such outbreaks as manifestations of illness and reacts to them as ordinary attacks of anger that a person is able to cope with.

Reasoner. He is a frustrated, embittered, stubborn pessimist. Everything is wrong for him, he doesn’t like anything, he finds some kind of flaw in everything. Nothing brings him joy, and he easily spoils the good mood of those around him. The reasoner sees the world only in bleak tones; in his opinion, no one does good deeds, everyone around them only does stupid things. He scolds and criticizes others, is intolerant, and acts as if everyone around him is a scoundrel or fool.

A marriage with a reasoner can only be sustained by a partner who is capable, without paying attention to his presence, to realize himself in work, in caring for children, in contact with friends and acquaintances, and in an active passion for some interesting activity.

Pedant. This is a person distinguished by petty precision and excessive adherence to order. Problems in the family arise due to the fact that he demands the same qualities from others. A pedantic wife always thinks that the house is a mess, so she constantly cleans and washes something, fixes and checks. For a pedantic husband, all things must be in their place; he cannot stand any interference in his carefully thought-out system. A pedant can evoke trust and respect, a feeling of confidence, stability, but not admiration, joy or love. In his extreme manifestations, the psychopathic pedant terrorizes family members by forcing them to follow the strict order and schedule he has established. This causes resistance, protest, tension in relationships and a feeling of lack of freedom.

You can try to get your partner to appreciate the undoubted benefits of a person’s commitment to order and punctuality. We give the pedant a series of precisely formulated tasks that allow him to realize his excessive love of order himself, but not to extend his demands to others.

Schizoid personality. Such individuals have an insufficient ability to express their feelings, even to the point of extreme emotional poverty, as well as isolation, lack of adequate contact with others, which is often associated with timidity, fearfulness and slight vulnerability. A schizoid may surprise others with his strange views, opinions, behavior, inadaptability and even detachment from practical life, largely abstract or overly complicated reasoning and unclear speech. The most active schizoid personalities are more likely to provoke others with their non-conformity, while more passive ones usually shun society and avoid people due to increased vulnerability.

Schizoids, as a rule, remain lonely for a long time (if not always). The success of a marriage mainly depends on the partner’s motivation and ability to adapt, on his ability to smooth out the manifestations of strangeness, impracticality, and gloominess of a schizoid personality.

Psychotherapeutic treatment in such situations can generally be regarded as a waste of time. Such persons must be isolated from society and family, since the severe damage they cause is often irreparable.

Hysterical personality. It is characterized by increased emotionality, a vivid imagination, an increased need for the attention of others, a desire for demonstration, dramatization, exaggeration, and self-centeredness. Hysterical people often experience discomfort associated with the existence of contradictions between their bright romantic ideas and dull, banal reality. They either go into the world of fantasy, or try to create some kind of excitement around them, to attract attention to themselves. They exaggerate, invent, play as if on a theater stage. Sometimes they lose the boundary between fantasy and reality. The “game” in some cases can take place on high level and arouse interest. It's hard to determine

whether the hysterical person uses the sthenic method, attracts attention at least with such dramatic manifestations of weakness and dependence, or exaggerates his difficulties. The feelings of a hysteric are very unstable; he often goes from one extreme to another. Hysterical people can be endlessly inspired and immediately afterwards “terribly unhappy.” Then they often talk about suicide or try to commit suicide. Such attempts are not serious and have the character of emotional “blackmail”.

It is often noted that hysterical psychopathy represents, as it were, an extreme expression or caricature of normal femininity. Moderate hysterical manifestations observed in women are treated rather mildly in our society. In the eyes of some men, a slight hysteria even gives beautiful women a certain attractiveness (though until they become their wives). The behavior of hysterical men shows traits that are uncharacteristic for men - flirtatiousness, some effeminacy. Sometimes, on the contrary, hysteria in men manifests itself by excessively emphasizing purely masculine traits: excessive exaggeration of one’s own strength, demonstration of heroic antics, or imagining oneself in the role of an irresistible seducer and sexual giant.

There are passive, asthenic forms of hysteria, in which such properties and manifestations as increased emotionality and flight into illness or heightened perception of injustice, thoughts of suicide prevail, as well as productive, sthenic, active forms, which are characterized by external, extroverted and aggressive manifestations.

In marriage, pronounced hysterical personalities, on the one hand, are “terribly dissatisfied” or “terribly unhappy”, on the other hand, they emotionally suppress and oppress their partner. A hysterical woman, some time after marriage, develops the feeling that she is no longer “loved enough,” and she constantly craves proof of love.

A productive hysterical psychopath repeats her speeches and scenes in the family, provokes violent quarrels, accompanied by sobs, with dramatic reconciliation. Her further “search for great love” takes place outside of her real marriage, which deceived her expectations. Often such a woman refuses to have sex with her husband, because she cannot give herself to a person for whom she no longer feels love. Strong emotional experiences in a new marriage sooner or later lose their severity (and the new partner is also happy to “slip away” from such a restless, threatening marriage); everything repeats itself, which makes such a woman an “eternal seeker of love.” Asthenic, passive types usually do not remarry, although they experience suffering in a real marriage and realize their romantic experiences in fantasies.

It is very difficult to bring a hysterical personality to an understanding and correct assessment of his own behavior. Communication with a doctor of the opposite sex during psychotherapeutic sessions can quickly evoke manifestations of admiration and love, various hints that with the doctor everything would be different than with an insensitive, boring and uninteresting spouse. If the doctor does not support such a game, then the patient considers herself offended in her best feelings and stops cooperating in sessions or proceeds to aggressive attacks against him. As a rule, competes with staff of the same sex. The greatest hope for success in correcting the behavior of such patients is provided by systematic group psychotherapy. Initially, the patient is simply included in a group where she can find some support, and then gradually receives from the group members their assessment and opinion regarding her hysterical behavior.

Working with the partner of such a hysterical person, who needs support in order to endure hysterical outpourings without losing his mental balance and health, can have a positive impact. He should be explained how he should behave in order to avoid family scenes. He must understand that a hysterical person simply requires attention, understanding and a certain assessment. If this requirement is implemented in an inadequate, dramatized, hysterical way, then such behavior should be ignored, because in otherwise his partner will encourage him. On the other hand, such a conversation allows you to calm your partner down somewhat, which will allow him to pay more attention to the hysterical person and understand her better, at least when her behavior is normal and quite adequate.

The following must be distinguished from manifestations of a hysterical personality (accented, abnormal or psychopathic):

a) a hysterical reaction, which is an emotional (or somatic) manifestation of an emotionally intense situation that has actually arisen;

b) hysterical neurosis, which represents a disease that has its beginning, development and completion. Hysterical neurosis is currently most often manifested by various somatic symptoms, which are clearly associated with psychotraumatic factors and conflict situations, and sometimes have the character of a purposeful avoidance of solving any life problems.

Jealous personality. A jealous person lives in fear that his partner is unfaithful to him or, in any case, may cheat on him. These thoughts completely take possession of him, and he constantly suspects his partner, watches him, and demands proof of fidelity. Evidence does not bring him peace of mind, since loyalty in principle is quite difficult to prove. Starting with provocative questions and conversations, the jealous person gradually moves on to detective actions.

Jealousy can influence the real situation to varying degrees; its manifestations have different intensity and character. It may be situationally determined, characteristic feature personality or one of the manifestations of psychosis.

Situationally conditioned jealousy is caused by real danger betrayal of a partner, specific manifestations in his behavior that aroused suspicion. The threatened individual seeks to take certain measures to eliminate this danger. Manifestations of jealousy in such cases disappear with the disappearance of the threatening situation.

When jealousy is a personality trait, the individual is characterized primarily by his readiness to express it. Jealousy is provoked by completely innocent reasons, is difficult to suppress and flares up again from time to time.

In some psychoses, especially paranoia, delusions of jealousy sometimes occur. These are obsessive ideas about the betrayal (or betrayals) of a partner, which have no real basis and take on a completely absurd character (for example, that the partner behind the jealous person’s back is giving secret signs calling for love relationships) or leading to bizarre actions (for example, a jealous person glues a hair to the bedroom door or marks the position of a partner's shoes to determine whether he has been sneaking around to his passions at night). Delusions of jealousy do not respond well to psychotherapy; additional treatment is required; it is rarely effective for paranoia.

In case of situational conditioned jealousy and in the case when jealousy is a specific personality trait (psychopathic state of jealousy), it is advisable to lead the jealous person to analyze his own jealousy and try to “train” him; The training is to get used to the state of uncertainty that exists in every marriage. Such “anti-jealous training” turns out to be most effective when carried out within the framework of group psychotherapy or group “courses for jealous people.” Plzak developed a methodology designed for 10 such sessions, and also compiled corresponding instructions for jealous Othello (1972). The partner should not react to the jealous person’s attempts to track down and control, he should not allow explanations and excuses. He must categorically suppress disputes about jealousy and conversations on topics related to it; he should move the conversation to another subject or simply leave. If a psychopathic jealous person is incorrigible and tyrannizes his partner, then there is only one way out - a timely divorce.

Alcohol addiction. We are talking about people whose dependence on alcohol has reached such a level at which it already represents serious problem in terms of social connections and weakening mental and physical health. The problem is aggravated by the fact that the alcoholic himself cannot stop drinking or at least reasonably limit his alcohol consumption. He justifies his addiction to alcohol with a variety of reasons.

The development of alcohol dependence has 4 phases: initial, warning, decisive and final.

1. Initial phase. A person discovers that alcohol improves his mood, helps him get rid of fears and strengthens his confidence in his own strength. At first, he resorts to alcohol precisely for this purpose, but gradually gets used to it, and the intervals between drinking alcohol become shorter. He drinks quickly, especially when he starts, in order to quickly reach a certain level of intoxication; does not overdrink, drinks as much as he needs.

2. Warning phase. The drinker tends to constantly increase the dose, and he needs increasingly larger doses to achieve the desired mood. Drinking alcohol is becoming more frequent, and the reasons for it are of less and less importance. Increasingly, a state of overdrinking occurs.

3. Decisive phase. Alcohol dependence appears. The drinker is no longer able to control himself and cannot stop. Sometimes he drinks for several days in a row, often overdrinking. He announces to himself “windows” of sober days, which he manages to spend against the backdrop of weekly binges. Problems arise with others. People condemn him, but he perceives this as injustice and an additional reason to drink. Often decides or promises that he will stop drinking or drink less, but he fails to do this.

4. Final phase. With alcohol dependence, an individual can no longer live without alcohol. Already in the morning he is forced to “sip a glass” in order to bring himself to working condition. Without alcohol, he feels bad, irritated, unable to concentrate, his hands shake, and his head hurts. A small dose of alcohol corrects the condition. His tolerance for alcohol decreases, he gets drunk much faster than before, nothing stops him. All this leads to the disintegration of personality, complete loss of ability to work, and a breakdown in relationships in society and in the family.

A person dependent on alcohol is considered an individual who is in the 3rd or 4th phase of the development of alcohol dependence and is no longer able to independently cope with this addiction and the problems that it causes.

The term “drunkard” refers to individuals who are in phase 1 or 2, drinking alcohol to achieve a desired level of mood and still able to control themselves. “Alcohol drinker” (“consumer”) is a person who drinks from time to time, on the occasion of holidays or family celebrations; he never gets drunk and can do without alcohol. “Withdrawal”, for reasons of principle, completely refuses to use alcoholic drinks.

An individual dependent on alcohol can no longer become a “drunkard” or a “consumer.” He is no longer able to drink in moderation and control his condition. This problem can only be solved by constant abstinence, which requires high-quality anti-alcohol treatment. After treatment, such a person, unlike “healthy” people, should never drink a drop of alcohol.

Unlike a husband addicted to alcohol, who prefers to drink socially (visiting friends who have the same intentions, going to a pub or organizing drinks at home or at work), a drinking wife most often drinks at home alone, carefully hiding it. She is ashamed of her addiction and hides bottles of alcohol in various hiding places. In a sober state, she blames herself, cries, and promises to improve.

Persons with alcohol addiction (both husbands and wives) often explain their addiction to alcohol by conflicts in the family. In reality, the reason turns out to be, as a rule, different; Conflicts contribute to the strengthening of dependence and often arise from it. But whatever the reason, before starting a course of marital therapy, it is necessary to conduct anti-alcohol treatment. It is useless to try to achieve balance in the relationship between spouses until abstinence has been achieved. If an alcoholic does not want to be treated, the partner must present him with an ultimatum that excludes compromises: “If you do not go to treatment, I will be forced to divorce.”

It is necessary to distinguish between problems truly associated with alcohol dependence and marital conflicts caused by the increased reactivity of some wives who are “allergic” to their husband’s drunken behavior or the smell of alcohol. The doctor should talk to both partners, trying to obtain objective information. And if we are talking about alcoholism, then you should not demand complete abstinence from your husband.

At the end of the section devoted to the personal properties of spouses, we will consider the main issues in the framework of working with a married couple. Spouses answer two main groups of questions.

1. What qualities of my personality contribute to marital disharmony? What is my participation in

family conflicts? What can I do about it? What can I change about myself?

2. How can I best unite with my partner as he is? How to treat a partner who has these personality traits?

We are talking about principles that can be used when working with one of the partners. Contrary to the patient's expectations, the analysis of his personal characteristics and those of his partner is aimed mainly at achieving an understanding of what he should change in himself (and never in his partner) and how he should adapt his behavior to the behavior of his partner (and not vice versa). The doctor must convince the patient that these changes are within his control and must be made if he wishes to achieve marital harmony.

Let us illustrate this principle with specific examples. A wife who complains about a jealous husband needs to be led to analyze her own behavior - is she not provoking his jealousy with some of her actions? If jealousy is a character trait, the wife should be led to the conclusion that it is impossible to change this character trait. It is necessary to teach her the correct behavior with her husband so that his pathological behavioral traits bring her less suffering; for example, immediately stop tracking and interrogating your husband and not enter into arguments with him on topics related to jealousy.

With a husband who complains about his wife’s hysterical behavior, it is necessary to discuss characteristic features hysteria, such as the need for increased attention, a tendency to dramatize, decreased control over emotional manifestations, etc. He must come to the conclusion that it is impossible to demand from his wife that she be different, it is impossible to remake her. He himself can think about what he should do while living with such

a woman, for example, not to allow himself to be drawn into dramatic scenes that his wife arranges, to try to convince her or give in to her demands if she really does not have enough of his attention. You can advise the husband to show enough attention and even admiration to his wife if her behavior deserves it, and to ignore her actions and claims when she exaggerates and clearly “overacts.”

This reorientation of the patient's behavior is often a difficult and gradual process. You cannot immediately begin active work with such a patient so that he does not get the impression that the doctor does not understand him. Otherwise, he may stop cooperating. First of all, you need to give him the opportunity to speak out and show understanding of his problems. This is the only way to bring the patient to an awareness of his own participation in the creation of a problematic or conflict situation and the need to change your behavior as the only (in most cases) solution to count on success.

The exception is cases of alcohol addiction, acute psychosis or criminal behavior of a partner, when our assistance to the client can be expressed, for example, in sending the partner for compulsory treatment or in facilitating his administrative prosecution and criminal punishment. You cannot constantly adapt to the behavior of some severe psychopaths; in such cases, we assist the client in obtaining a divorce. However, one cannot take the client’s statements and versions on faith - it is necessary to examine his partner and obtain objective data about him.

MARITAL UNION

When exploring within the framework of marital therapy the marital union as the source of problems for a particular couple, it is necessary first of all to think about what brought the spouses together and has maintained their marriage to this day. We will explore how initial expectations are realized, what factors determine them, and on what principles marital relationships are currently built.

Choosing a partner

Interpersonal attractiveness is supported by factors that are of particular value to a particular individual or that give rise to certain hopes that social contact with a given partner will be favorable.

A number of theories that explain the principles of mate choice, which include, for example, Winchov's complementarity theory, Coombs' monogamy value theory, and Kerckhoff-Davies filter theory, are to some extent reflected in the complex theory of Mursteina (1976). According to this theory, when choosing, there are three factors, three forces of attraction; motivation, merit and role. These forces act sequentially in three phases, their value changes in each phase. What passes through the first filter passes into the next phase.

In the first phase (motivation), factors such as external attractiveness and demeanor play a significant role. How these characteristics are assessed by others is also important. The meaning of a drive is thus relative within a particular situation.

In the second phase (dignity), the center of gravity shifts like a beer into the area of ​​similarity of interests, points of view, and scale of values. When partners meet, they get to know each other, receive information about the interests and value scale of each of them. If significant discrepancies are revealed here and the discovered shortcomings are not compensated by any advantages, the partners separate, believing that they are not suitable for each other.

In the third phase, role compatibility is first assessed. Partners determine whether they can take complementary roles in the marital union, which will allow them to satisfy their needs. At the same time, both the similarity of characters and inclinations (for example, extroversion or introversion, the same need for sexual contacts, etc.) and the opposition of complementary traits (for example, the need for dominance and subordination, the desire of one to take care of the other, etc.) are assessed.

The principle of “commensurability of exchange” operates in all phases. Equilibrium is achieved only when the exchange is equal from the point of view of the partners. For example, a man who is not very attractive in appearance can propose to a more attractive girl, giving her a stable financial position in return. An ugly girl can attract a handsome man with her caring, sexual sophistication, ability to admire him or be obedient.

Expectations and marital agreement

The source of problems is often unfulfilled expectations, which can be partly conscious and formulated, partly conscious but not discussed with the partner, and partly unconscious. In this direction, one can use the concept of Sager) and Martin, according to which the essence of marital therapy lies in the study of the marital agreement (contract). Spouses must understand, formulate and write what they expect from each other in marriage. Under the supervision of a physician, unclear and mutually exclusive elements in individual projects agreement, attempts are made to develop a joint agreement acceptable to both partners, in which the rights and responsibilities of each will be clearly stated.

Determinants of marriage taken from the family of origin

In order to help spouses who are having problems in their marriage, it is necessary to find out what some of their expectations are based on. For this purpose, the marriage of their parents, brothers or sisters is considered with them.

Based on a concept that might be called the concept of parental duplication, the individual learns the male or female role to a large extent from his parents and tends to unconsciously use his parents' pattern of relationships in his family, whether he likes them or not. An important point is dominance in the family (which of the parents “commanded” and which obeyed). For a more accurate assessment, it is advisable to use the Leary interpersonal test. When testing, you should evaluate yourself, your parents, your partner, set out your requirements and describe your ideal partner, calculate integral scores and present the results in graphical form, as recommended by Mellan.

Sipova, having conducted testing (Leary test) of 239 prosperous married couples, discovered the presence of similar characterological models in both spouses - a dominant, authoritarian, self-confident, but at the same time courteous father and an affectionate mother, who enjoys trust and respect in the family. The husband identifies himself with his father, the wife with her mother (Fig. 2). Wives evaluate their husbands on the axes of dominance and agreeableness (the same as their fathers), husbands evaluate their wives in the same way as mothers. Husbands evaluate themselves generally correctly; There are minor differences between self-assessment and partner assessment. Among those 650 married couples who attended counseling, the indicators are different: significant differences are noted between self-esteem and the assessment of the partner (as a rule, the partner considers the other to be more hostile and dominant than the partner assesses himself). In addition, partners are markedly different from their parents (not only from the opposite-sex parent, but also from the same-sex parent).

)

Rice. 2. Self-esteem and assessment of your parents using the Leary test.

The continuous line ends at the father's GPA, the broken line ends at the mother's. Dark triangles - husbands from quiet families (n=239); dark circles - wives from quiet families (n=239); light triangles - husbands from conflict families (n=650); light circles are wives from conflict families (n=650).

According to Sipova, the doctor should lead the patient to accept the role intended for him by the parent of the same sex, of course, taking into account the desires of the partners and the nature (style) of their relationship. However, it is advisable to lead a married couple to a compromise model of living together, which optimally approaches the model of the relationship of their parents.

Terman's comparative studies of relationships in prosperous and conflicting married couples confirmed that the balance of ties is significantly influenced by the favorable marriage model of the parents, a good relationship father to mother, happy childhood. Balanced spouses were calm in childhood, they were rarely punished, they were caressed more often, and they talked more openly about sex issues.

Toman's (1976) concept of duplication of sibling properties, according to which the individual strives to realize his relationship with his brothers and sisters in new social connections. More stable and successful marriages are observed in cases where relationships between partners are built precisely on this principle, naturally, taking into account gender. In this sense, marital relations can be completely complementary (the husband had a younger sister, and the wife had an older brother) or partially complementary (both had older brothers or sisters, at least one of whom is identical to one of the spouses). In non-complementary marriages, there is a connection with the order of the child in the parental family (for example, both partners were the oldest among the children) or with gender (one partner or both had only brothers or only sisters, in addition to brothers or sisters of the same sex). A special place is occupied by children who had neither a brother nor a sister; they had only one model in their family - parental marriage.

Based on this type of data, it is possible to graphically present the factors influencing marriage in the form of a family map (Fig. 3).

In the middle part of the picture, the husband is indicated by a triangle, the wife is indicated by a circle to the right of him, and the numbers inside are their ages. The connecting line between them shows the nature of the marital relationship at present. Below, their children are depicted using similar geometric symbols, and the connecting lines characterize the type of connections. At the top of the picture, above each spouse, their parents and the nature of the relationship between them are indicated, with an arrow pointing up corresponding to dominance, and an arrow pointing down to subordination. Below the symbols representing the parents are their children, with the position of each spouse between them indicated by a dark triangle or circle. Above the symbols of the spouses is the serial number of the marriage of each of them, and the numbers next to them indicate the degree of emotional dependence on the partner (in accordance with the Plzak scale, which will be discussed below).

In Fig. Figure 3 shows an example of a family chart: a 29-year-old husband and a 25-year-old wife, both in their first marriage. The couple have 2 children, whom they treat generally positively, although the husband is colder towards the girl. However, their marriage is conflict-ridden. In the family of the husband's parents, the mother occupied a dominant position; The mother did not get along with his father, her first husband, and had conflicts based on leadership in the family. Her second husband is submissive by nature.

My husband has sisters (older and younger). In the wife's family, the dominant position was occupied by the mother, and she herself was the eldest among the children.

The diagram provides some information about the possibility of problems arising in the family; it can be guided when choosing the direction of therapeutic interventions. The role of the husband was not sufficiently defined in childhood. It is assumed that he sympathized with his father, who challenged his mother for the dominant position in the family. However, the father lost in this struggle and was forced to separate from his mother. Perhaps the patient did not like the weak character of his stepfather, who obeyed his mother. He always perceived his mother as a decisive woman who occupied a dominant position in the family. In the constellation he had an older sister, which corresponds to the same “program,” but he also had a younger sister, over whom he could “get the upper hand.”

The role of the wife, who comes from a matriarchal family, where she was also the eldest child, was quite well defined in childhood and is difficult to change. Therefore, agreement between spouses can be achieved if the husband takes a subordinate position in relation to his wife (i.e., what he saw in his mother’s family) and accepts the orders of his power-hungry wife without protest. If he tries to lead and command, conflicts will inevitably arise in the family.

The above reasoning may create the impression that a marriage is conflictual (from the point of view of dominance) only when both spouses claim a leading role in the family, or calm, gracious, cooperative-asymmetrical (patriarchal or matriarchal type) only if one of the spouses willingly takes leadership, and the other just as willingly obeys. However, this is not quite true. Currently, the predominant model is cooperative-symmetrical marriage. In such a marriage, spouses interact on the basis of equality, disagreements and problems that arise are resolved at the level of mutual agreements, through compromises. Balance can also be achieved through a clear division of spheres of influence. Children coming from such families may tend to use a similar pattern of relationships in their marriage. Apparently, the formation of this model is influenced not only by examples of parental relationships, but also by the prevailing social position of the spouses.

Marriage Profiles

When describing the theory of dynamic marital therapy, seven profiles of behavior in marriage were already mentioned. Combinations that can lead to problems in marital life include the following: when both partners belong to the “parent” or “child” type; one partner is of the “parental” or “child” type, the other is of the independent type; one partner is a romantic type, the other is an equal, rational, independent or “childish” type. The marriage of romantic partners is a tense and insufficiently stable union, since the romantic relationship gradually fades over time and both partners may begin to look for them in other relationships outside of marriage.

Martin, Berman, Lief draw attention to the presence of pathological elements in the following combinations: a) the wife belongs to the romantic-hysterical type and suffers from a lack of attention and affection, and the husband is cold and has a psychasthenic character; b) the husband is looking for a mother in his wife who would constantly take care of him; c) both partners are dependent types; d) both partners (or one of them) with a paranoid psyche.

Marriages in which one of the partners (most often the wife) exhibits pronounced hysterical behavior are designated by some authors as hysterical marriages. Partners of hysterical women can, according to Planava, be divided into hysteriphilic and hysteriform.

A hysterical husband is the type of partner who attracts hysterical women; in the future, he himself chooses one of them. He is usually a calm, adaptable, silent and not overly emotional person. Plzak designates this type as SPV - weak, decent and loyal. A hysterical woman, as a rule, having already experienced a fleeting dramatic love with an attractive and dynamic man, is looking for a balanced and reliable person. He is attracted to her by her liveliness, emotionality, and the opportunity to enrich and brighten his dull life. After the partner’s idealization disappears, deep mutual disappointment naturally sets in. The husband ceases to impress his wife, she feels misunderstood and emotionally unsatisfied, as a result of which she tries to provoke a scandal or attacks. The wife's increased emotionality, dramatization, and such inconsiderate behavior tire her husband.

A hysteriform husband behaves in a way that causes and maintains hysteria in his wife, who initially might not have expressed hysterical features. The husband has a tendency to philosophize in situations that require decisive action; he usually remains indifferent to his wife’s attempts to involve him in joint activities, and is ironic or hostile until his wife’s aggressive or hysterical behavior forces him to cooperate.. Such a husband may also have features of a pedant and schizoid layers with pronounced sensual coldness. In some situations he resembles a hysterical husband. However, the important thing is that the wife can count on the fulfillment of her desires or demands and obtain cooperation from her husband only if she throws him a tantrum. Thus, such behavior is reinforced and fixed.

The classification of marriage into symmetrical, complementary and meta-complementary, proposed by Haley, is well known. In a symmetrical marriage, both spouses have equal rights, none of them is subordinate to the other. Problems are solved through agreement, exchange (this and that), or through compromise. In a complementary marriage, one gives orders, gives orders, the other obeys, awaits advice or instructions. In a meta-complementary marriage, the leading position is achieved by a partner who realizes his own goals by emphasizing his weakness, inexperience, ineptitude and powerlessness, thus manipulating his partner.

The classification proposed by Satir includes typical models of communicative attitudes towards violation of fidelity. Their typical representatives include the following: a) the accuser, who in the author’s symbolism can be represented as a “statue with a pointing finger”; b) reconciler (“statue of a sinner with his head bowed”); c) a cold rationalist or a hot “arithmometer” (“straightened figure with his head raised”); d) a disruptor and “distractor” who ignores eternal topics and problems and always starts an empty conversation only about current events, about the momentary, often in an amusing or even funny, clown form.

Wile cites 3 types of partnerships, which he clearly identifies using criteria for assessing responses to conflicts.

1. Mutual avoidance. Both partners avoid active discussion, remain silent, turn away, feel injustice, but do not express their concern and resentment to each other.

2. Mutual accusations. Partners openly show their irritation, anxiety, and dissatisfaction, emphasizing their demands, which often leads to destructive quarrels.

3. Demand and evasion. One of the partners actively reacts to circumstances and strives to get closer to the other, puts forward demands, arguing them, or makes complaints, the other one withdraws, remains silent, and avoids getting closer. Pursuit, attack and evasion are mutually potentiated: the more one evades, the more the other strives to approach him and vice versa.

T. M. Mishina also identifies 3 types of violations of marital relations, of which the first two are almost identical to those proposed by Wile:

1) isolation - partners experience emotional alienation;

2) rivalry - reaches the point of open bickering and disputes;

3) pseudo-cooperation - one of the partners, for example, agrees with something, although he internally disagrees (this looks like cooperation and agreement).

Pizak introduced into practice the concept of “emotional dependence of partners on marriage.” For each partner it is assessed on a five-point scale. Depending on the magnitude of the differences between partners, a marriage can be assessed as asymmetrical or symmetrical, and when taking into account the degree of dependence - as favorable, doomed to failure or disastrous. Dependence for each partner is determined by the consequences that a divorce will entail; not only the sexual and economic aspects are taken into account, but also the possibility of finding another, more suitable partner. One of the essential elements in the formation of such dependence, in accordance with the author’s concept, is the attractiveness of the partner. For a woman it is beauty, charm, typically feminine behavior, languor, tenderness; for a man it is intelligence, charm, wit, sociability, masculinity, social recognition and only partly beauty. With a score of 3, the dependence is considered significant. Problems arise if one or both partners have an excessively high level of dependence - 4 or 5 points. If excessive dependence is observed in only one partner, then, in accordance with the proposed classification, the marriage is classified as “doomed to failure,” and in the case of bilateral dependence, it is classified as “disastrous.”

An overly dependent partner, as a rule, seeks to receive proof of love from the other, arouse jealousy, provokes disputes and quarrels, and drags children into conflict. He often suffers from neurotic disorders, seizures, often cries, threatens suicide and becomes more and more repulsive to his less dependent partner, finally making him want to leave the family. An overly dependent partner should be isolated from the family for some time and treated separately. He is prohibited from talking about family and any actions that reveal his high dependence on marriage. According to Plzak, high emotional dependence can disappear over time, for example, if emotional resources are completely exhausted, or if his partner loses his value for him, some part of his merits. However, an asymmetrical marriage doomed to failure can be turned into a symmetrical one through correct and timely correction. It is useful for the dependent partner to learn the benefits of being independent and to do everything in his power to prevent the independent partner from leaving the family. We would formulate this tactic as follows: an overly dependent partner must actually recognize his dependence and act in accordance with this. He must make it desirable for his independent partner to continue the marriage through various positive reinforcements. Our experience shows that systematic group psychotherapy in most cases can reduce such dependence, mainly by maintaining the patient's self-esteem and reinforcing his importance in various areas of activity outside the family.

Emotional independence and dependence on marriage in the sense that Plzak gives them should be distinguished from dominance and submission or independence and dependence as personality traits that are identified using the Leary test. The concepts are similar, but their essence is completely different. A dominant, authoritarian, and generally independent personality can live equally well in a state of complete independence and be deeply dependent on a particular emotional connection. In a marriage that preserves his emotional independence, such an individual will intelligently guide his partner, care for him, or vigorously refuse what is unacceptable. In a marriage on which he is dependent, he will use force to force his partner to show the dependence and fidelity he desires. Likewise, a submissive, influenced, and typically dependent person in a marriage from which she is emotionally independent may willingly submit, comply with demands, and refuse any direction, but in a marriage from which she is dependent, the picture will be completely different. - requests, tears, demands or threats of suicide in order to keep a partner.

The above were given useful information about the determinants and types of marital relationships, allowing us to better understand the essence of marriage and see it from different sides. Based on the analysis of relationships within the framework of marital therapy, we lead spouses to answer the following questions.

1. What is their marriage based on? What are their mutual expectations, patterns and stereotypes drawn from past experiences, and what is the current profile of their marriage?

2. What and how can be changed in their marriage, expectations, requirements, agreement? What and how do you need to adapt?

2.5. Love

IN contemporary works When discussing the problems of marital relationships and marital therapy, we almost never encounter the concept of “love.” What it means in fiction (Tables 1, 2 and 3) sometimes appears under other names.

Table 1. Love in world poetry

Love for you is yourself,

And heaven and hell, and day and night,

Fire and ashes, light smoke,

It will fade away and be carried away.

Love for you is like a deer running,

Water flowing from fingers

You are a lake, but my thirst cannot be quenched,

I will die of thirst by the water, by a lake without shores.

My love for you is a spring,

A stream boiling from the bottom

Like a squirrel that plays in the forest,

The deadly jump is woven into it.

Burn and be saved again,

Losing you as soon as I find you

Afraid to fall asleep, so that in a dream

Not to be a moment without you.

To be struck down by just one word,

Accidentally said by you,

To experience doubts a hundred times

What does your involuntary gesture mean?

My suffering is constant

I want to love you so much

My heart can't calm down

Trembling again, I won’t forget.

Love is a universe without end,

Nothing can cover her,

Where can I get the measure to measure it?

To measure means not to love.

No, I have no right to separation,

To make the separation worse,

After all, I am your throne, I am the rod in your hand,

My love for you will always live with me.

(Louis Aragon)

Table 2. Love in modern Czech poetry

What is love to you?

Evening fireworks and celebration,

The noisy carousel runs,

Flight and heads spinning?

Then love, like a scorched phoenix,

Will fall upon the darkened world,

Your world, which is so close to you.

And for me love is a refuge from storms,

Raincoat from rain and bad weather,

Keeper of the mysteries of nature.

And for me love is like bread and salt,

A glass of spring water,

into which you threw with a generous hand

Crystal of desire

Drink that makes me wonderful

Preserves before everyday life.

(Yarmila Urbanova, “Love in 10 years”)

Table 3. Love in prose works

I watched her in the store. She stood in front of the mirror, small, strong, ugly. The new coat came down to her ankles, with only her fingertips poking out from the sleeves. She looked uncertain and very vulnerable.

“It suits you,” the old man repeated several times, walking around her. He carefully straightened the fold and removed the invisible fluff from his shoulder. “Hem it a little,” he advised, “and it will be very good...”

The mirror attracted a tall, interesting blonde. She put on costumes of various colors, twisted and leaned in different directions from behind the backs of those two.

“Oh,” the saleswoman hissed through her teeth, impatiently raising her eyes to the ceiling while the two were still standing at the mirror.

“I can’t do this, I’m so small,” the old woman said guiltily and turned her flushed face to the saleswoman, then looked at her husband. She wanted to be a little better in his eyes. The old man gave me an old coat to wrap. “It’s cold,” he remarked as he paid.

I completely forgot why I came to the store. He followed them, drawn by some unknown force. The old man, holding his wife by the tips of her fingers protruding from her long sleeve, led her down the street. I followed them for quite a long time, unnoticed, but stubbornly, without saying a word.

(Jezef Zelenka, “Love”)

The Fanta study showed that the most common factor in family troubles among family counseling patients was “sensual discord between spouses,” later formulated as “sensual alienation,” which to some extent corresponds to the loss of mutual love. Prokopec, Dytrych, Schuller recommend distinguishing among the factors contributing to divorce, such as “disruption of connections in the emotional sphere” and “differences in mutual relationships.”

phenomena of tenderness and feelings”, which were observed in a sample of 1000 divorcing couples in 1977-1978. 46% of husbands and 56% of wives.

The need for constant proof of love persists among wives almost throughout their entire family life. The wife craves expressions of feelings and tenderness, needs constant attention and interest in her, which can be perceived by the husband as mere trifles (flowers, an invitation to the theater, help around the house, taking care of the children). Men should be aware of this, since they are often limited to purely material concerns, forgetting about spiritual values, which makes their wives not entirely happy.

Meanwhile, J. Prokopets et al. recommend that husbands, as can be seen from the above passage, fulfill the wishes of their wives. Other authors consider such spiritual requests in a long-term marriage to be “non-adaptive demands”, rudiments of the romantic phase of marriage and recommend getting rid of them as manifestations of the initial phase of a breakup and emotional enslavement of a partner. Plzak warns that couples therapy should focus on improving partners' emotional connections. Apparently this is hardly possible. The actual purpose of help may be to convince the partner that the level and intensity of emotional distress are not factors influencing divorce. Requiring expressions of feelings that are spontaneous in nature carry a certain risk of disgust.

PaVek speaks of “depth of sensual connection” as one of the pillars of marriage, but currently this concept requires further discussion and clarification.

Some psychologists have tried to more accurately formulate the concept of “love”, develop a classification and a scientific approach to the study of this phenomenon.

Love is truly an extremely important positive feeling. Rubin speaks of love as “a certain relation of one individual to another, which includes both thoughts and actions.” The characteristics of this relationship are included in the test developed by the author; Each characteristic is rated on a nine-point scale. The test covers three main aspects of love: the need for acceptance of love and dependence; inclination to provide assistance, showing concern; focus on exclusivity and preoccupation with feeling.

The need for acceptance of love and dependence are illustrated, for example, by the following statements from partners: “If I could never be with X again, I would feel terrible,” “It would be very difficult for me without Y.”

Desire to help: “If X were feeling bad, my first desire would be to help him get back into a good mood,” “I would do anything for Y.”

Exclusivity and absorption: “I treat X as if I were myself,” “I feel like I can trust Y with everything.”

Maslow distinguishes between love, which reflects an altruistic attitude towards a partner, consisting of selfless help to him, joy in his successes, and love, in which, first of all, it is about satisfying one’s own needs.

Fromm considers love as a skill, a feeling and an act of will: “you need to learn love, gradually master its theory and practice.” Mature love is one of the most important human emotions, meaning unity in individual actions. Love is an active force characterized by caring for another person, openness, respect and understanding of the loved one. “Erotic love, in order to be truly love, must be based on the following premise: one must love based on one’s own essence and experience based on the essence of another.” Love must first of all be an act of will. Love is not only a feeling, it is also a decision, a judgment, and a vow.

As noted in various studies mentioned by Shope, signs of love are admiration for the merits of a partner and neglect of his mistakes and shortcomings, natural unity in giving and giving, the desire to give a loved one more than others, mutual emotional dependence, the desire for spiritual and physical intimacy, openness , desire to merge with your beloved being into a single whole, tolerance towards each other, tenderness, patience, affection and forgiveness.

According to Liberman et al., who looked at love from the point of view of a behavioral approach, love consists of the exchange of pleasant words and actions for a person, an exchange that lasts a fairly long period of time. A marriage can be successful if both partners make decisions that make each of them feel loved and appreciated.

What we find about love in the specialized literature on marital therapy cannot but be disturbing. Nevertheless, it is confirmed that spouses can rightfully ask about love and the question: “Do you love her?” or “Do you love him?” cannot be considered as a manifestation of the doctor’s naivety. The doctor, despite the fact that he works in the field of conflict and disruption of interaction and relationships between partners, should pay attention to the presence of love in his patients (is there a moment when love left the family, has it really left, is it hidden in the little things? Everyday life) and support it if it still exists, even if it is hidden. In order to avoid any misunderstandings here, it is necessary to distinguish the following.

1. Falling in love, which is experienced very intensely, but usually passes in the marriage phase. It is necessary to actively support it (as much as possible), although it will pass later, which is quite natural.

2. Love in a relatively long-term marriage that brings good to the other, gives joy associated with the well-being and success of the partner, and also ensures the satisfaction of one's own needs for understanding and security.

3. External manifestations of love - words, touches, affection, attention and other actions and deeds that are extremely desirable if one partner wants to bring joy to the other and strengthen his sense of satisfaction.

4. Forced manifestations of love are, in principle, of little use and represent “forced evidence of love,” manifestations of what should be spontaneous. This resembles a kind of double-bottom game (“I want you to tell me directly about love, but not because I want it, but because you want it”), which should be stopped.

Family is the oldest and most common form public life. The family is the basis of the existence of society, as evidenced by many of its tasks and main functions. There comes a time in any family when spouses experience problems. modern family, which must be addressed without fail.

The main problems of the modern family are listed in this article and are among the most important and pressing problems. The causes of modern family problems, among other things, are the deterioration of the economic situation, i.e. unemployment, low wage, increasing cost of living and education. These factors have a negative impact on the family and its development, as they take up a lot of time to support the family and sometimes make them forget about responsibilities such as raising children.

Alcoholism in the family

Other and common cause family disintegration is an intensification of pathological phenomena. Among other things, alcoholism of one of the spouses or alcohol addiction. Alcohol is a type of depressant that slows down the nervous system. Alcoholism destroys all areas of a person’s life, that is, family, work, etc. Alcoholism can affect any person, regardless of age, education, gender, intellectual level or profession. Everyone needs help and treatment mainly through psychotherapy. Family members of an alcoholic need treatment, as does the alcoholic himself, but during treatment he must solve his problems and begin to live his normal life.

Violence in family

Domestic violence has a negative impact on the perception of the world, especially by children. A violent family member is considered a criminal and may be sentenced to prison. However, the most important thing is to help victims of domestic violence. They have to rebuild their world with the help of a psychologist full of positive values ​​and security.

Conflict between children and parents

A serious problem is also the generational conflict between children and parents. They come from different value systems, different cultural patterns and natural tendencies where young people can rebel against any family authority. Parents' actions, if they are not rational and pedagogically sound, lead to more conflicts, which can lead to children running away to sects, participating in youth group subcultures, or drug addiction.

Drug addiction as a cause of family problems

Drug addiction, a commonly known pathology like drug abuse, is also a cause of family problems. Drug addiction is caused by the use of certain groups of intoxicants (morphine, heroin, amphetamine, marijuana, cocaine, opium, hashish, hallucinogen), which negatively affect nervous system. Reasons for drug use include problems at home, influence environment or the desire to show off to friends. Anti-addiction, preventative, rehabilitative and therapeutic activities are used in relation to the addictions of this type of people who are addicted or at risk of drug addiction. Treatment for drug addicts is similar to alcoholism.

The destructive influence of a sect on a family

A sect is a psychomanipulative or totalitarian group that violates basic human rights and the principles of social life. A cult destructively influences an individual or family through psychological or sociological methods, physical, mental or material use, which causes dependence on the group or its leader. The sect is characterized by a small number of groups that have a hostile and indifferent attitude towards society under the leadership of a person who exercises the so-called power of the “Guru”. There is a direct and strong connection among the members of the sect; they often obey a system of prohibitions and orders, and reject cultural and material benefits.

Sexual abuse of a child

Sexual abuse of a child can also be a threat to the family. In many cases, violence against a child manifests itself in different ways and takes different forms. This problem leaves a mark on the child’s life. Psychological help in this case it is very important for the victim. The victims are usually children and adolescents who are unable to cope with the problem themselves. Talking to a psychologist helps the teenager open up so that he believes that it is not his fault. The psychologist’s task is to correct the child’s emotions so that the childhood experience does not become a problem during adult life and restored his faith in what exists good people who love their children.

Divorce in the family

The problem of the modern family can be considered the numerous divorces today. Children have the biggest problems (sometimes guilt and loss of faith in any value due to their parents' divorce). It is for this reason that they suffer the most. The reasons for divorce today are the lack of strength and patience to live together, the disappearance of feelings or the appearance of another person. Often parents wonder how divorce affects the child and choose separation. Separation or separate life does not lead to the restoration of good family relationships, but only to their deterioration, since each parent lives in his own life. The child is often the mediator between parents and may feel unwanted.

IN modern society The family is going through a very serious crisis. Symptoms of family crisis and crisis situations in the family become more pronounced and are directly related to moral models and a wide range of religious attitudes. Intensive economic and cultural changes in society have created numerous threats to the family. Need to do something.