How to live with a divorced man with children. Future with a divorced man with children. Options for effective behavior

It is almost impossible to find a woman who would refuse to create a strong family with her loved one. However, not everyone is lucky enough to meet a man who has not been previously married and then has to build a relationship with a divorced man. During the existence Soviet Union The topic of divorce was practically not raised. The initiators of the breakdown of family relationships were subject to widespread censure; society generally did not consider it shameful to interfere in the relationship between spouses.

Today, divorces are not perceived as something shameful; human values in general have undergone significant metamorphoses. Divorced men with or without children are also looking for life partners, hoping to build a strong family.

However, some representatives of the fair sex bypass divorced men, not even considering them as a potential husband. Why? Is it really a man who has a negative experience? family life, does not inspire confidence?

Divorce is a very serious stress not only for women, but also for men. Many representatives of the stronger sex perceive the change in their status very painfully, and if women are saved to some extent by caring for children, then men are left alone with their thoughts and memories.

A divorced man has some behavioral characteristics. Psychologists, after much research, have identified five types of behavior characteristic of ex-husbands:

Longing for family. A man for whom family is the most important thing in life after a divorce begins to go to extremes. He can completely close himself off and not make contact with beautiful ladies or, conversely, will not mind going to romantic date with the first person you meet. Such a man is used to having his beloved always nearby, so he can be considered a very easy prey. The most important thing is to show him that you are always ready to be there and support him.
Marriage is a mistake. Such representatives of the stronger sex perceive family as a waste of their time. He has already tried himself in the role of a husband and it didn’t work out for him, and if it didn’t work out, it means that the time spent in marriage was wasted. Whether it makes sense to build a relationship with such a man or not is up to you to decide, but it is unlikely that he is going to take you to the registry office in the coming years.
The delights of single life. Negative experience is called that way because the memories remain are far from the most rosy. A divorced man perceives the breakup of family relationships as long-awaited freedom and will go to great lengths with great joy. He will not burden himself with serious relationships and searches for a life partner. You can try to win his heart, but don't expect a quick marriage proposal.
Disappointment in women. Often men project attitudes towards ex-wife for the whole feminine. By and large, such behavior is typical of domestic tyrants. They perceive all women as traitors and are rarely inclined to healthy relationships with the opposite sex. For example, a wife could not get along with her aggressor husband. She endured it for a long time, and one day she simply filed for divorce. The former lover perceives such an act as a real betrayal and believes that all women are the same. Well, then everything depends on his temperament: he can shout, threaten with violence, or simply leave without unnecessary scandals. But he won’t treat women well. It is very difficult to build a strong relationship with such a man.
Losing yourself. Some representatives of the stronger sex are so accustomed to women's participation in their Everyday life that after a divorce they lose their life guidelines. They don't understand which direction they should move next. They doubt the decisions made. Most often, this condition results in a worsening of existing bad habits. A man can go on a drinking binge, from which it will be very difficult to break out later. But you shouldn’t give up on it in advance. If you are there in time and support him, you will have a very real chance that he will not remain indifferent to you.

If you feel that a man communicates with you only in order to cry to his harsh lot, then it is better not to waste your time. He will not see you as a potential life partner; you will remain just a “vest for tears.”

Rules of conduct for women

Making a decent impression on a representative of the stronger sex has never been an easy task, and when it comes to divorced men, the task becomes much more complicated. Such men are suspicious and extremely cautious when communicating with women; they are not in the mood for a serious relationship, so you will have to be patient.

Try to adhere to the following rules when communicating with a possible chosen one and then your chances of attracting his attention will significantly increase:

Communication with a divorced man is like walking through a minefield; just one carelessly spoken word is enough and instead of a possible life partner, he will become your enemy. Therefore, if you do not want to deprive yourself of the opportunity to win the heart of the man you like, pay attention to the recommendations of psychologists:

Don't get into a man's soul. Talking about your past family and divorce will definitely not put your interlocutor in a romantic mood. If you open up his emotional wounds, you are more likely to become his free psychologist rather than his lover.
Don't discuss your ex-wife. Many divorced men are ready to throw streams of verbal mud at their ex-wives. Do not give in to provocations and do not get drawn into discussing the negative qualities of his ex. Firstly, you don’t know what actually caused the divorce; it’s possible that your chosen one turned out to be not such a wonderful husband. And secondly, constant conversations about his failed marriage neutralize all your attempts to win his heart. Despite the fact that he himself can act as the initiator of such conversations, no man will like it if you begin to condemn his past, thus criticizing him too.
Take your time with sexual intimacy. A representative of the stronger sex who has gone through a divorce does not even think about building a serious relationship. Even if he meets women, it is solely for the sake of satisfying his sexual needs. If you immediately jump into his bed, you will become one of many available women, he will not even think about you as a possible passion.
Don't insist on marriage. The negative experience of family life will be precisely the horror story that keeps a man from re-registering his marriage. Don't rush him and don't insist on the wedding, otherwise you'll just scare away your lover.

This may surprise you, but if your chosen one is over 30 years old and divorced, this gives a much better chance of a happy marriage.

There are more chances compared to the situation when he is under 40 and has never been married. Because in the first case we see a man who, in principle, is family-oriented and partnership-oriented, and in the second case there can be anything - from infantilism to blatant selfishness and inability to build healthy relationships.

But in order for the relationship and subsequent marriage with a divorced man to be happy, healthy and long-lasting, it is important to understand several important points.

And the first question that would be good to get an answer to at the very beginning of the relationship is: why did he actually get divorced? And the most sensible thing is to try this situation on yourself. That is, do not think that everything will be different with you (although, perhaps, it will be), but analyze how serious the reason for the breakup is. If the reason is him (he is conflicted, he is an alcoholic, he cheated on his wife, did not earn money, did not spend time with his family) - he will most likely blame his ex-wife, her mother, friends, anyone for the divorce, but he himself will appear in a dazzling shine . In this case, I want to immediately remind you that you are not his mother or his attending physician, and therefore you have no reason to continue this relationship. Transferring all responsibility for the divorce to the other party is a very bad sign and a dangerous symptom. It is impossible to correct this person, and it is not your task. Because, as I constantly remind my clients, the only guarantee of a healthy relationship is to accept the person as a whole, as he is, or not to accept him and not enter into a relationship with him.

If a person in one family has shown some of his qualities, he is guaranteed to show them in new family. You will probably remember more than one example among celebrities when a person, for example, drank, got divorced because of this, then got married again, started drinking again, got divorced again... I don’t know what his next brides were thinking about, but I assume that This is the same dangerous phrase: “Everything will be different with me.”

The second point to pay attention to concerns women. When entering into a relationship with a divorced man, it is important to understand that you cannot change his past in any way. There was another family in his life, and if this very thought is unbearable for you, better relationship don't start. Yes, he had a woman to whom he once spoke tender words, whom he cared about, who was his beloved. And if they also had children, then she will never disappear from his life. A terrible mistake would be playing tug of war: why do you spend more time with them and less with me, why do you go to them for the weekend and not stay with me - all this will kill warm feelings in the bud.

The third point concerns children. Look: any normal woman, mother, in the event of separation from the father of her children, must check her partner’s attitude towards her children. She is looking not only for a husband, but also for a man who would accept and love her children and become their friend. With normal men, everything is exactly the same: if a woman does not accept his children, he does not need her as a permanent partner. Sometimes, however, a young wife manages to “discourage” her husband from his previous family with scandals and hysterics, preventing him from meeting his children and spending time together. Well... Most likely, after some time, a similar fate will befall both her and their common children. And if he doesn’t comprehend, then the man is a scoundrel. It's a little joy to live with a scoundrel.

Yes, important nuance: If you are disgusted by this man’s children, you don’t love him, even if you don’t think so yourself. It is impossible not to feel warm feelings for the continuation of your loved one.

The fourth stumbling block is the ex-wife. If she is not yet in a new marriage, you can be sure that she will constantly need help. Either you need help with the car, or you need money for something for the children, or you need to do some other man’s work. And usually she asks for it ex-husband not to annoy his new wife, but because over the years they lived together, she simply got used to turning to him on these issues. If this happens, rejoice. This means that your husband is a wise and mature person who, after the breakup, managed to maintain good relations with his ex-wife, and she turned out to be smart enough and, for her part, does not throw him hysterics, but maintains a normal relationship. And since she is smart and decent, most likely she will get married soon and your families will be balanced. If the first wife becomes hysterical and pulls the blanket on herself too actively, he himself will quickly lose the desire to help her. And if you become hysterical and pull the blanket... Did you guess it? One way or another, the only correct strategy in this case is understanding and accepting your husband along with his past.

I once saw an ideal, in my opinion, family, not even a family, but a community. Everyone gathered together: the first husband of the second wife, the third wife of the second husband, such a huge clan, and everyone communicated, made friends, helped each other out, looked after the children from all marriages, and the children grew up completely untraumatized by divorces, since there were no people in their lives. disappeared, but multiplied.

The fifth point is your relationship with his children. It’s not enough not to prevent him from seeing them; ideally, you should take an active part in their lives. Invite them home, take them to the cinema and feed them ice cream (in agreement, of course, with their mother), become a close and respected person to them. There is no need to let them sit on your head, there is no need to compete with their mother, it is better to jointly develop a communication strategy, prohibitions and opportunities, and make friends with the children.

In general, I want to say that a marriage with a divorced man has every chance of becoming stronger than a marriage that is the first for both. The first marriage is almost always a big mistake. But we'll talk about this next time.

My friend Dasha got married Great love. She was not even interested in SMS messages from suspicious numbers arriving in abundance on her betrothed’s phone. What can we say about a man’s child from his first marriage!

Its presence was not something that didn’t particularly worry Dasha; she was somehow not even fully aware of it. The girl imagined the child either as a formal ink line somewhere in her beloved’s passport (not very pleasant, but we’ll bear with it), or as a small walking black hole into which for another twelve years she would have to throw a quarter of her future hubby’s income (this is worse, of course, than just entry in the passport, but also trifles in comparison with universal love).

The realization of the situation began abruptly and unpleasantly. At that moment when, two weeks after the wedding, the son had the audacity to call THEIR landline number and in a “thin nasty voice” ask his dad to answer the phone. Dasha felt reproached by this word PAPA.

Hubby suddenly broke loose and drove off somewhere. Later it turned out that because of some problems with the child, the husband spent half a day with his ex-wife, and was also forced to borrow money from her “for now,” which had just recently been planned to buy Dashuna branded Italian boots.

On this day, she may not count on her husband’s time and attention.
One way or another, some amount of money will leave the family budget (albeit small, but still a pity).
She will definitely have to spend several hours imagining how her ex-wife in a transparent pink peignoir opens the door to her beloved, and then languidly drinks him tea in the kitchen, sticking out her long naked limbs of a predatory mantis from under scanty scraps of fabric. It should be said that these suspicions were not entirely unfounded, since this lady remained free and, according to rumors, was very interested in “the family being restored.”

...Now Dasha is still married to this man. But now she knows very well that a child is not just an entry in a passport.

But Elvira, on the contrary, pulled out a lucky ticket, meeting a man with two children from her first marriage. She was sincerely touched when she learned that the chosen one, despite his busy work schedule, spends a lot of time with his offspring and, as he himself delicately put it, “another heir” is definitely not physically fit right now.

Elvira crossed herself when she heard this statement, since the appearance of children was also simply not included in her active life plans. True, on this moment she categorically refuses to purchase a large joint apartment, having sold two one-room apartments on the outskirts, one of which belongs to Elvira, and the second to her husband.

I'm not a lawyer. Then the devil will break his leg with all these inheritances. “I treat his children very well, but somehow I don’t want to share my own property with them,” she calmly explains the situation.

I think she can be understood.

Hello!
My life situation is not simple - I am dating a man (he is 32, I am 24 years old) our relationship will soon be a year old. And I am planning a future together with him, I see in him reliability, stability, understanding. He proposed to me, to us together it’s comfortable and calm. But I think with the answer, because he was already married and he has two children (boys 5 years old and 3 years old) And the children will live with us after our wedding. And I understand that raising other people’s children is difficult. And therefore I am in doubt, what should I do, is it worth starting such a future for me, do I need it... There will probably be problems with it ex-wife...And I’m thinking about what to do correctly, in a wise way. Tell me, what could happen in such a situation if I agree?
Thank you in advance!
Best regards, Sophia.

Received 7 pieces of advice - consultations from psychologists, to the question: Future with a divorced man with children

Hello, Sophia!

Everything here, in my opinion, will depend on your attitude towards this man. If you really need him, and you have to go to him deep feelings, then, I think, it will not be difficult for you to accept his children and treat them as an integral part of him. This is exactly how men accept children from their first marriage of those women with whom they fall deeply in love. And you can do this easily if this man is truly important and necessary to you. If you just need a convenient partner, then this one will not be one of the most convenient, because you will have to invest in his children, and then it is not clear why. In order for this contribution to be sincere and not empty (and to receive a response), you need to accept these children as your own, then it will be easy to give them your time, love, and care. If you feel that you do not want this, then I would suggest that you seriously think about why you need this relationship and what you want from it. All the best, Elena.

Good answer 3 Bad answer 0

Hello, Sophia.

The questions you ask psychologists are not entirely accurate.

Rather, they are not at all accurate.

You have them.

The task of psychologists is help you find your answers.

Help you accept them.

To help you accept the responsibility (payment) for your decisions that YOU will bear.

Help you come to terms with this responsibility.

For now I can only say the following -

if you love your man, you can love his children too.

Although no one forces you to love them.

And he won't force it.

Listen to yourself - can you?

And lastly, come for a consultation.

I can be your assistant, help you deal with yourself and the situation.

G. Idrisov.

Good answer 5 Bad answer 0

Hello, Sophia. Raising children is difficult in principle, and it doesn’t really matter whether they are your own or someone else’s. You should decide for yourself whether you are ready to invest your soul and energy in raising these boys, because this is important for a father. I think that it makes sense for you to get to know the children (if you haven’t met them yet) and look at them before the wedding. Ask your father more about them. Also resolve the issue with his ex-wife - whether she sees the children, how often, and what problems there may be with her. It also makes sense to find out why they divorced and why the children live with their father; in our country this is a rare case, because priority is given to the mother. I have a feeling that you do not talk to your chosen one about these topics that concern you and are trying to find answers where there are none. Do not hesitate to ask questions that interest you, just think them through. In particular, what place will you occupy in the lives of these children according to the father? And most importantly, ask yourself whether you are ready to accept them, and at what level. It’s better to come to an agreement before the wedding and clarify all doubtful points, then it will be more difficult. Often difficulties in decision making occur due to lack of information. It seems to me that you have difficulties either with a conversation with your man, or with the issue of accepting children, or with both. I am ready to help you understand what is happening and make a decision.

Best regards, Larisa.

Good answer 6 Bad answer 1

Hello, Sophia! When a girl decides to get married, she not only decides to live with this man, but also with his family, and your man, moreover, has his own children (whose own mother is alive). No one knows how events will unfold and happen, but those qualities that will become a strong stronghold of your family life and are able to harmonize this process are mutual LOVE and respect for each other, caring for your neighbor, accepting each other’s entire previous history; children are not to blame for anything and treat them as if they were your own; a clear definition of boundaries with your ex-wife: where and when she can see her children - you should discuss this in advance with your man so that, when living together, there are no misunderstandings. If there are other anxiety and fears, it is better to discuss them with your partner before the wedding - CONSCIOUSLY and not traumatize the children by living with dad and the new “mom” or “aunt”!? Best wishes to you. Sincerely, Lyudmila K.

Good answer 4 Bad answer 3

Hello, Sophia! You have to find a difficult solution. At 24, it takes courage to take such a step. Imagine yourself with this man and his children in 5 and 10 years, and that you will also have children of your own. Love in the form that you have now will no longer exist. What's left? What shortcomings of your husband and his children are you willing to put up with? You haven't written anything about the reasons why the children will live with their father. Who made the decision? How did your husband break up with the mother of these boys? What do your children and your future spouse feel and think about this? Is he taking revenge on his ex-wife? There are a lot of questions, the answers to which can help you understand the present situation. If you have a need, please contact us. All the best. Sincerely, Aigul Sadykova

Good answer 6 Bad answer 0

Hello Sophia!

In my opinion, it’s right that you ask such important questions before marriage, and not later, during the process, when a bunch of all sorts of details emerge and you somehow have to live with them.

In my opinion, it would be useful to get to know the children better now and establish contact. When communicating, you will be able to observe the children, how they communicate with their father, how they will make contact with you, what place you will be assigned next to them. And if something worries you, don’t be afraid to clarify it with your partner. The better you discuss your relationship and your role in it now, the clearer your position will be in the future, in family life.

Good luck! Svetlana.

Good answer 6 Bad answer 1

Hello, Sophia.

How many people - so many opinions.

Don't be scared and stress yourself out. If there is a desire, then the means will always be found.

And with children, the easier you are, the more sincere you are.

But it feels like it’s not about this man and the children.

It may be difficult for you to make a decision that will dramatically change your usual rhythm of life.

Are you not ready for this? Take your time, sort out your feelings.

All the best,

Anya.

Good answer 5 Bad answer 1

Actually, you're in luck! If your chosen one is over 30 and divorced, then your marriage has a better chance of being successful compared to the situation if he was not married at all.

Because a divorced man is family-oriented, and you can expect anything from a bachelor: fear of a serious relationship, and dependence, immaturity, selfishness - because for some reason he still hasn’t had a family, right?

But don't invent colorful rainbows for yourself. Marriage to a divorced man has its own nuances. Many women cannot stand such relationships and then teach others and advise them to avoid divorced men.

I have a different opinion. I believe that relationships of people who do not know how to build them are doomed to failure, and divorce and children are just an excuse.

Therefore, I want you to assess the situation soberly and know how to painlessly enter into a serious relationship with a divorced man without repeating his previous scenario.

So, how to build a relationship with a divorced man who has a child?

Realize that you can't change his past.

Yes, in his life there was a woman whom he adored, before whom he knelt and promised to love forever at the altar. And she will never disappear from your life because they have children together. Ask yourself honestly: “Am I ready for this? Can I accept this?

If you secretly hope that you will get married, you will have your own children and he will forget that he once had another family - do not deceive yourself. A normal man will not forget about his children, because this is at least irresponsible!

Close your eyes to the fact that a man has children.
Don't think about it before marriage;
Hoping to change a man;
Not realizing the difference between single boyfriends and a divorced man with children.

Realize your feelings
If you are already confused about where your real feelings are and what you have come up with for yourself, where you are trying to persuade yourself or what you are denying, you can go to a psychologist and figure yourself out.
There are several effective practices with images that will help you understand how you really feel and what scenario will suit you.
Tell your man about your feelings

If you have doubts, don’t be silent. Honestly tell the man: this doesn’t suit me. As a man, he will suggest ways to solve the problem, and you can find a compromise.

Ex-wife who needs help

You can be sure: if he ex-woman has not yet remarried, then she will often turn to your man for help. Not because she doesn’t understand something or can’t accept it, it’s just something she’s used to. Or they still have good friendships.

In addition, your husband will have obligations to her. In front of the children, in fact, but essentially, while the children are small, in front of her. If he was the initiator of the divorce, he will feel guilty and it will be difficult to refuse her.

Mistakes you may make:

Be irritated with your husband and his ex, start scandals;
Give ultimatums.

Options for effective behavior:

Be glad that your man is mature and normal.
If, after breaking up with his wife, he remained with her a good relationship, this is a very good sign.
Calm down.

If the wife goes too far, the man himself will lose the desire to help her. And if you go too far, then... you understand.

Relationships with children

This is the most difficult thing, I will analyze this point in detail.

You may encounter (or have already encountered) feelings of jealousy towards a man’s child from his first marriage. It's clear!

Yes, the child suffered first from the divorce and it is important to think about his feelings. And, of course, about a husband who loves his children.

But in practice, this position often results in the woman feeling disadvantaged; she has to put the interests of the child from her first marriage above the interests of herself and her own family. An internal protest arises and grows stronger in her, and then spills out towards the man and the relationship falls apart.

What to do? There is no universal way out of the situation that would be beneficial for all women without exception, but everything can be solved.

If you couldn't find contact with his children

You tried everything, but you can’t make friends with them - you bought ice cream, took them to the park, and honestly tried for the sake of yourself and your husband to be a good stepmother. But no way.

One look at your children reminds you of how much life another has been given. Another woman's children take away the most valuable thing from you - time and love of the person you love.

Or maybe the kids can't stand you. If their mother at home insists that because of you their family was broken, they will see you as a vile courtesan.

What's left to do?

Stop playing the painful role of “second mother” and honestly surrender in your favor. Talk to the man about the possibility of completely distancing himself from everything related to his first marriage.

In this case, there will be no awkward meetings together, nor the presence of children in your life.

Of course, don’t demand the impossible - a man won’t ignore his child for your sake. Don't interfere with communication, directly or indirectly. Instead, calmly discuss with your husband the scope of his responsibilities to his first wife and their child.

To avoid problems with money, discuss the amount that will be spent on the child in addition to child support.

The downside of this strategy is alienation; there will not be complete openness between you and your husband.

Of course, a man would be pleased if you had a good relationship with his children and you at least partially shared his love for them. But you don’t need to break yourself and adapt to your husband’s wishes.

I would advise you to figure out for yourself why your husband’s children irritate you so much (if there are no direct reasons, for example, obvious coldness or insults on their part).

It’s normal to be jealous of a man, but if this jealousy goes beyond boundaries and interferes with your life, figure out where these feelings come from in you. It may be necessary to delve into past relationships or parental scenarios.

If you were able to make friends with the children of your chosen one

It can be really cool: you have an excellent relationship with his children, you are glad to see them and enjoy communicating with them yourself. If you become close to your husband's children, it will be a huge relief for him - he won't have to rush between you and the children.

At the same time, children have every chance of growing up not traumatized by divorce, because the loved ones in their lives do not disappear, but multiply.

Most often, a similar scenario happens to a professional woman who has cleared herself of internal negativity, jealousy, attitudes and lives in the state of a happy woman.

The downside is that your husband's ex-family will dance around your house. If it doesn't bother you, then there's no problem at all.

What else can you do?

Line up with your husband's child own relationships, don’t limit yourself to formal gatherings with tea in family circle. Take him shopping, to the park, to the attractions - this will make it easier for you to discern a personality in the child, and not an attachment to your husband.
Try not to get too carried away and start competing with the child’s biological mother. This will ruin your relationship with her.
Do what you feel, but don't lose your head.

It is your life! Choose the man you love and act as you feel. The main thing is to understand what you want to get in the end. There are no mistakes as such: there are behaviors that will not lead to a happy relationship, but there are behaviors that will.

I know that you will succeed. The main thing is to figure out what exactly YOU want.